06 October 2012

Chapter 38 - The Revelation


The burning warmth of the Armagnac certainly hits the spot. It’s just what we both need to help us unwind after the last few hours.

For now, we’re Mr. and Mrs. Taylor, safe and secure in the Cascade Suite at The Fairmont Olympic. Anastasia as my wife. That’s an intriguing thought. Mr. and Mrs. Grey?

I tried my best to answer Ana’s questions on the drive here. I'm frustrated to learn she’s still worried that she’s not enough for me. What more can I do to convince her that she’s everything I need and more? I guess it’s going to take time. 

I just hope she doesn't figure out the true depths of my depravity, because I know she’d run a mile if she ever did.  So I can’t tell her, because I can't risk going through last weekend again – ever.

And what is it with my family gossiping about me? Or being prompted to gossip by Ana, more like, with that inquisitive mind of hers. Apparently my Dad told her about me not speaking for the first couple of years after they adopted me. I'm still not what you would describe as verbose, am I?

And then Mia telling Ana how I used to get into brawls when I was younger – she paints a great picture of me. Trouble is, that brawler is still there, just lurking under the surface, never far away.  That’s why I've always been thankful that Elena took me in hand when I was that out of control teenager, and gave me another way to cope and let off steam. 

I can't imagine how I would have turned out otherwise. I’d  probably have gone the same way as my birth mother, and overdosed on crack cocaine.  But now, I have any addictive personality traits I might have inherited from the crack whore well under control, thanks to the iron clad self-discipline Elena instilled in me.

But why is Elena making out I ran to her for a shoulder to cry on last weekend, when the truth is I only spoke to her on the phone for a few minutes when she rang me? Flynn has described her as manipulative, but why would she be – what does she stand to gain? There’s nothing more than friendship between us, there hasn't been for years, as I keep trying to explain to Ana.

So here we are. Anastasia is still by my side, despite everything.

“You never cease to amaze me, Anastasia. After a day like today – or yesterday, rather – you’re not whining or running off into the hills screaming. I am in awe of you. You’re very strong.”

“You’re a very good reason to stay. I told you, Christian, I'm not going anywhere, no matter what you've done. You know how I feel about you.”

I know she’s told me she loves me, but I still find that so incredibly hard to believe. Ana is young and impressionable.  She doesn't really know what she’s talking about. She knows a lot more about love than you ever will, Grey.

Thankfully, she changes the subject.

“Where are you going to hang Jose's portraits of me?”

“That depends.”

“On what?”

“Circumstances. His show’s not over yet, so I don't have to decide straight away.”



Ana narrows her eyes, as she cocks her head and looks at me curiously.

“You can look as sternly as you like, Mrs. Taylor. I’m saying nothing.” Mrs. Grey would sound better.

I’m probably going to hang my favorite portrait– the one of her smiling – in my office, but the others – well, it all depends. My realtor contacts have heard whispers of a property overlooking the bay coming up for sale shortly, and they tell me it’s in a prime location with great views, although the house itself is run down and old fashioned.  

If it’s as good as they say, I’m thinking I’ll go ahead and buy it, then probably knock the old place down and have Elliot build me a modern, environmentally sound place instead. 

I’m thinking this place could maybe serve as my weekend residence, and I’d just live at Escala during the week when I'm working. And I'm thinking maybe Ana might like to help me choose the style of the redevelopment. I'm thinking she might like to stay there with me too. So I'm thinking I could hang José’s pictures in that house. But at the moment, there’s nothing definite and it could all come to nothing. So I'm thinking it’s best not to say anything yet.

 Lots of thinking going on.

But right now, despite it being the early hours of the morning, Ana’s decided to carry on where she left off earlier, to resume her seduction of me. Oh yeah, baby!

“I want to kiss you here,” she whispers, as she runs her finger across my belly from hip to hip, once she’s helped me take my top off.

“I’m not stopping you,” I whisper back. Feel free.

So Anastasia leads me over to sit on the edge of the four poster bed. 
 It’s a long time since I let a woman take the lead. Not since Elena, in fact. Ever since I worked out my true Dominant nature, I've always taken the lead and never looked back. Until now.

Up to now, it’s always been me who's set the sexual agenda between us, but tonight Ana seems more confident, and I think rather than trying to exert control over me, she’s trying to show how much she wants me.  It feels very strange to stand back and just let it happen, but I find I like it. Especially when Ana confidently strips off, so I can gaze freely on her gorgeous, naked body. I liked her new pretty lacy underwear, but I like what’s underneath even better.

“You are Aphrodite, Anastasia.” 

She has a wonderful body. She is perfect, just perfect. And she’s mine. I am one very lucky man.




She comes over to clasp my face in her hands and kisses me, and I can't hold back any longer. I grab her hips to pull her onto the bed and pin her under me. I kiss her deeply as our tongues entwine together, while I greedily explore her curves with my hands, savoring her soft silky skin as I work my way up to her breasts.

As I tease her and play with her nipples, she groans and tilts her pelvis to rub herself against the erection that is straining in my jeans. I flex my hips to rub against her harder, the seam of my fly hitting her sensitive spot, making her groan at the friction.  

Shit, this is what teenagers do when they’re making out isn't it? I guess I skipped that stage and went straight into full-on BDSM sex with Elena, but this is kind of fun going back to basics. So we carry on rubbing against each other, enjoying the buildup of tension it’s creating.

As we carry on kissing,  her hands wander over me and end up inside my jeans, as she tries to get hold of my erection.

“You’re going to unman me, Ana,” I groan, as I kneel up to take my jeans and boxers off, handing her the condom packet. “You want me, baby, and I sure as hell want you. You know what to do.”

She confidently unrolls the condom over my length, as I enjoy her touch on me.  I like confident Ana. I've taught her well.

So now I tenderly rub noses with her, as I slowly, really slowly, enter her. No quick, hard fuck this time. Tonight, everything is the opposite of how I've always done things. As I slide deep inside, I can feel her silky walls tightly gripping me, as she stretches to accommodate my whole length. When you fuck hard and fast, you miss a lot of these more subtle sensations, so now I want to take my time, to savor them. 

I’m not fucking her, I’m making love to her. 

Slow, sweet, gentle love. There is no hurry. Love.

She holds onto my arms and moans – it’s as good for her as it is for me. She isn't doing this just to serve my needs. We are equal partners taking our pleasure together. She tilts her chin up so I can nuzzle her soft neck, and drink in her unique scent. I slowly ease back, and then slowly slide in again.  It feels so fucking amazing, so fucking good. All our cares melt away as we lose ourselves in each other.

“You make me forget everything. You are the best therapy,” I whisper.

“Please, Christian – faster,” she murmurs, as she tilts her hips up to encourage me, enticingly biting her bottom lip as she does.

“Oh no, baby. I need this slow.”  

I want to feel every little bit of her body taking in every last bit of me. I want to enjoy every second of the pleasure I’m taking in her body, just as I want her to enjoy every slow stroke that I'm sharing with her.

Now it’s my turn to gently bite that lower lip of hers, and she moans loudly as I slowly stroke into her again. She feels so wonderfully tight and yet so velvety soft, like a purpose made glove fitting snugly around my cock. 

It’s heaven, paradise, but it feels so incredibly good that inevitably I can't hold back much longer; I have to speed up the rhythm, as we start building and climbing towards our ultimate goal. 

It doesn't take long before she screams out, as she falls over the edge to her climax, and I follow almost immediately as I call out her name. Ana, always my Ana.

Afterwards, I lie contently with my head on her soft belly, as she gently toys with my hair. She seems to like playing with my hair, and I like it too. But only Ana. I've never let anyone else do that before. It’s a perfect moment that I wish could last forever. The afterglow of sweet love making. Love. There’s that word again.

“I will never get enough of you. Don't leave me,” I murmur, as I kiss her soft belly. I wouldn't survive again. I’d be a totally broken man.

“I’m not going anywhere, Christian, and I seem to remember that I wanted to kiss your belly,” she points out sleepily.

“Nothing stopping you now, baby,” I grin against her sweet skin.

“I don't think I can move I’m so tired.”

I’m wearing her out. She needs to get some sleep, so reluctantly I shift to lie next to her and pull the covers up over us.

“Sleep now, baby,” I instruct, as I gaze down at her lovely face. 

Then I kiss her hair and wrap my arms around her, before I drift off into a sound sleep. 

I always do when I sleep with Anastasia, because she is my talisman against my night terrors.

~~~

I wake feeling refreshed at around eight in the morning – very late for me. Anastasia is still fast asleep, and remembering how she really isn't a morning person, especially after such a disturbed and late night, I let her sleep in. I just can't help watching her as she sleeps though.

She murmurs as I brush a stray lock of hair away from her face, but I can't make out any words this time.  I find it totally fascinating that she talks in her sleep. It’s like having a secret window into the inner workings of her mind, as she unconsciously lets unguarded thoughts slip out.

I could watch her all day, but there are things I need to get sorted, and it’s fortuitous she sleeps while I do so.  There will be fewer awkward questions this way.

Leaving her in the bedroom, I find my cell and call Taylor.

“Any update re the intruder?”

“We've swept the whole apartment again. No further sightings,” he reports.

“Any clue at all as to how she got in yet?” 

This is the key to preventing another intrusion. I won’t rest easy until we figure out how she’s got in.

“We've got a couple of lines of inquiry to follow up. I’ll keep you informed of any developments, sir.”

“Make sure you do. Have you confirmed all today’s arrangements with Mac? ”

“Yes, sir, and we’ll do a final sweep of the boat late morning, before your scheduled arrival with Miss Steele. I’ll keep you under advisement of any issues which would necessitate a change of plans, should they arise.

“Fuck, surely there’s no way she’ll have got herself stowed on the boat, for Christ’s sake.”

“Until the perp is tracked down, we have to work on the assumption that all locations could be penetrated.”

“Yeah, I know.” 

I'm not risking taking Ana on my boat unless I'm sure it’s clean, so I’ll wait to get the all clear from Taylor first.

“Miss Steele has an appointment scheduled for this morning with Dr. Greene. Can you make contact to advise her to come here to The Fairmont Olympic, rather than Escala? It shouldn't make any difference to her.”  

“Of course, sir.”

He can have the pleasure of handling Dr. Greene's pissy attitude. If she wasn't without question the best female Ob/Gyn in Seattle, I wouldn't deal with the woman. No doubt she’ll stick an extra charge on her bill for a late consult amendment. Whatever. At least her favorite charity does well out of all this, with my hefty bribery donation.

“And another thing, Taylor. I want you to arrange for Miss Steele’s belongings to be moved into my bedroom. I think it will be safer if she shares with me from now on. Her clothes are to be placed in the left hand side of the closet, and her personal items are to be placed on the left hand night stand.”

“Very good, sir.”

I don't see the point of Ana staying with me and then being so far away sleeping upstairs in a separate room. As I told Taylor, she will be more secure with me, should the unthinkable happen and Leila gets in again. 

But in any case, I want her with me, in my bed. I want to go to sleep next to her and to wake up next to her. I want to be able to wrap my arms around her and drink in her scent. I want to know she is safe at all times.

“I’ll decide later if we’re coming back to Escala tonight, depending on how things pan out today. Same applies with Gail. She’s only to return if we are certain there is no risk whatsoever.”

“Of course, sir. I’ll keep you posted.”

I terminate the call, then check in on Ana again. She is sleeping on her front, her face squished on the pillow. So sweet. I gently kiss her cheek. I’m letting her sleep for as long as possible, but I’ll have to wake her soon, so she’ll have time to eat some breakfast before Dr. Greene arrives.

But for now, I retrieve my MacBook from my messenger bag. I have some research to do. I need to decide which would be the most suitable replacement car for Ana, excluding an Audi.  I've decided I don't want her to have the same car as I gave to all fifteen of my previous submissives. 

I’m worried that every time she saw the A3, she’d be reminded of the vandalized one we saw last night, as we hastily left the garage at Escala. I wish she hadn't seen it, as it was a pretty shocking sight, but it couldn't be helped. In any case, Ana is very different to all the others, so she should have a different car, a fresh start. Maybe the Audi was a status symbol – the symbol of a submissive. Ana is my girlfriend – there’s a huge difference.

I research Volvo, BMW and Saab, because these manufacturers produce the safest cars. I decide I like the look of the Saab 9-3, and as there is a dealership nearby, we can call in there on our way out later on. It’ll be good to get this sorted sooner rather than later, and will maybe help take Ana’s mind off Leila’s spiteful handiwork.

After I've quickly run through my other emails and sent off a few responses to the more urgent ones, I put my MacBook away. The rest can wait. Being able to efficiently prioritize is something I learnt very early on in my business career, to ensure optimum use of my time.

I decide I can't wait any longer to order our breakfast – Dr. Greene will be here in just over half an hour.  I've still got lipstick on my torso and I need to shower, but I want to shower with Ana, so that will have to wait until later.

I return to the bedroom. Ana is still sleeping on her front, but facing the other way now, so the other side of her face is getting squished. I press the button for the drapes to open, and light comes flooding into the room. She finally begins to stir, confused and sleepy, as she opens her beautiful big blue eyes and blinks.

“Hi,” I murmur quietly, as I kiss her good morning. She looks adorable, all mussed up and sleepy. Totally irresistible.

“Hi. How long have you been watching me?” She yawns and stretches prettily.

“I could watch you sleep for hours, Anastasia. But I've only been here about five minutes. This time. Dr. Greene will be here shortly.”

“Oh.”

I can see she’s less than thrilled about this, but we can't avoid the issue any longer. We need to get some reliable contraception sorted out. I fucking hate condoms, same as any man. If there was an injection or pill that I could take, I would, but there isn't.  The best forms of contraception are for women – fact. At least I've tried to make things as easy as possible for her, with the doctor making a house call to carry out this consultation.

“Did you sleep well? Certainly seemed like it to me, with all that snoring,” I tease.

“I do not snore!” She pouts at me.

“No, you don't.” You just talk instead. Shame you weren't more talkative last night. I think maybe you mumbled my name, but that’s all. You were too tired, exhausted in fact.

“Did you shower?”

“No. Waiting for you.” I like showering together. It’s one of my favorite things to do with her. Not the favorite thing, obviously.

“Oh… okay.”

“What time is it?”

“Ten fifteen. I didn't have the heart to wake you earlier.”

“You told me you didn't have a heart at all.”

Perfectly true and perfectly correct. I don’t have a proper heart, not a pure one like hers anyway. Mine is full of blackness and darkness. But let’s not dwell on that.

“Breakfast is here – pancakes and bacon for you. Come, get up, I'm getting lonely out here.”

I give her a nice sharp smack on her ass to encourage her to get up before I leave. I don't want her going back to sleep. But of course I enjoy smacking her anyway.

Eventually she joins me for breakfast, looking sweet in a big fluffy bath robe. I've already finished my food, and am now reading the papers while I drink my coffee.

“Eat up. You’re going to need your strength today.” Busy day planned.

“And why is that?  Are you going to lock me in the bedroom?”  Tempting, very tempting.

“Appealing as that idea is, I thought we’d go out today. Get some fresh air.” 

I've been planning this ever since Ana agreed to give me a second chance. Another experience we can share, that I can introduce her too. I hope she’s going to like sailing - I really think she will, remembering how much she enjoyed going up in the glider. Hell, that was fun.

“Is it safe?” She teases me.

“Where we’re going it is. And it’s not a joking matter.”

 After last night, does she really think I’d risk going anywhere unless I was sure? She must realize that I take her safety very seriously indeed. It’s my number one priority.

She eats her breakfast in a rather moody silence. She is most definitely not a morning person. Then there is a knock at the door.

“That’ll be the good doctor.”  

I get up to let her in, as Ana frowns at me. But she’s perfectly polite to Dr. Greene, and the two women disappear off into the bedroom, closing the door firmly behind them.


~~~


“Everything okay?” I ask, as the doctor leaves.

Anastasia just nods. She’s very pale, and looks as if she’s just had some bad news, or a shock of some sort.

“Anastasia, what is it? What did Dr. Greene say?”

She just shakes her head and avoids my eye.

“You’re good to go in seven days,” she mutters.

“Seven days?”

“Yes.”

“Ana, what's wrong?”

“It’s nothing to worry about. Please, Christian, just leave it.”

So that means there is something to worry about. Why isn't she telling me?  She can't even look at me, and I don't like this at all. What on earth has the doctor found? I have to know.

I grab her chin to force her to look at me.  I can see panic in her eyes. What the fuck has alarmed her like this?

“Tell me,” I insist, trying to command her.

“There’s nothing to tell. I’d like to get dressed.” She pulls her chin back and walks away from me.

I want to force her to tell me, but frustratingly I know I can't. But I need to know. She can't keep a secret like this from me, not if it’s something the doctor has discovered concerning her health. 

I briefly consider ringing the doctor and asking her, but I know she’ll refuse to tell me, quoting patient confidentiality. And I know Dr. Greene well enough to be certain she wouldn't budge on that, whatever bribe I might offer to donate to charity. Frustratingly, I guess I just have to wait for Ana to tell me.

“Let’s shower,” I suggest. Maybe it’ll help her to relax and unwind. Then maybe she’ll tell me what the problem is.

“Of course,” she mutters, her mind clearly still distracted. Shit, it must be bad. So why can't she talk to me?

“Come.”  

I lead her to the bathroom and set the shower going, before I quickly strip off, and then turn to undo her robe.

What’s going through my head is that I know the doctor would have given Ana a medical examination before going ahead to give her the contraceptive shot. So what might she have discovered that has Ana so worried? She’s only a young woman, but could she have found a lump somewhere, that she’s worried could be cancerous? Something wrong with her blood pressure, or her heart maybe? Or has something unusual turned up when she checked her urine sample? Kidney problems, or diabetes perhaps? 

Whatever it is, I want her to get checked out immediately, and I’ll arrange for her to see the very best doctor in whatever specialty it is. But I can't do anything until she tells me what’s wrong.

“I don't know what’s upset you, or if you’re just bad tempered through lack of sleep, but I want you to tell me. My imagination is running away with me, and I don't like it.”

She rolls her eyes at me, and I glare back at her. This is not the time for her to act like a discourteous teenager. She seems to come to a decision, as she takes a deep breath.

“Dr. Greene scolded me about missing the pill. She said I could be pregnant.”

“What?”

Fuck! No way! Surely not? I did not see this coming. I didn't think we’d taken any risks, but of course she should have completed the packet of pills. Why did I not realize this sooner? I've always been so meticulously careful. But pregnant – she can't be, surely? How could I have let this happen?

“But I'm not. She did a test. It was a shock, that’s all. I can't believe I was that stupid.” Incredibly stupid, actually.

Holy mother of God, thank Christ for that. She’s not pregnant.  Huge sigh of relief.
“You’re sure you’re not?”

“Yes.”

“Good. Yes, I can see that news like that would be very upsetting.” 

I've always believed there is no excuse for an unplanned pregnancy. That only happens to other people, careless people. 

I'm not careless. 

But the trouble is, it’s not up to me to remember to keep taking the contraceptive pill. Perhaps I should have reminded her after we broke up, but it was the last thing on my mind, and anyway, Ana had broken off all communication with me.

Ana frowns at me.

“I was more worried about your reaction.”

What does she mean? Surely she’s just as horrified as I am at the thought of getting pregnant?

“My reaction? Well, naturally I’m relieved… it would be the height of carelessness and bad manners to knock you up.”

“Then maybe we should abstain,” she snaps irritably.

Shit. Where is all this coming from? You’d think she’d be happy and relieved to have found out she wasn't pregnant. She is acting so crabby – I guess she’s still tired.  I have to remember that she needs much more sleep than I do.

“You are in a bad temper this morning.”

“It was just a shock, that’s all,” she repeats petulantly, still very out of sorts.

So how do I handle this? It’s all such unknown territory for me, and I guess for her too. She’s never been in a relationship either.  This is a classic case of the blind leading the blind. I take hold of the lapels of her robe to pull her up against me, as I gently kiss her hair.

“Ana, I'm not used to this. My natural inclination is to beat it out of you, but I seriously doubt you want that,” I confess.

“No, I don't. This helps.”

She hugs me tighter, and she’s right.  Being close together like this does feel good, so we stand for ages just hugging each other. Me naked, her in her robe. I'm relieved she’s finally told me what was wrong, and I'm glad she hasn't pushed me away. She just wants me to hold her. This I can do. She just needs me to comfort her. This I like.

“Come, let’s shower,” I eventually suggest. We can't stay like this all day, and I think we’ll both feel better after a nice, hot, cleansing shower. I also want to try something with her. 

“Here.  I want you to wash off the remains of the lipstick,” I say, as I hand her the body wash. “Don't stray too far from the line, please.”

It needs to be done, and I have to face my fears.

“Okay.”




She looks at me, as she realizes the significance of what I'm entrusting her to do. I know she will be careful but even so, I can’t help tensing up in anticipation of her touch. She puts some body wash on her hands and lathers up ready to start. She very gently washes away the lipstick on my shoulders, then carefully carries on down the side of my chest, rubbing very gently. 

I take a deep breath and swallow hard to keep myself from freaking out. It’s okay, this is Ana's touch. It’s okay, this is Ana's touch. I keep repeating these words in my head, as a kind of mantra.
I relax, as she stops for a minute to lather up more body wash.

“Ready?” she murmurs, as she prepares to start again. I can hear the tension in her voice. She’s worried about me, how I'm handling this. Ana understands. My sweet, sensitive girl comprehends how hard this is for me.

“Yes,” I reply, determined to see this through. 

I have to prove to myself, and to her, that I can do this. I know how important it is to her to be able to touch me. I have to remember this is just another small step along the way. Flynn would be proud of me.

But I can't help myself; I freeze again when she touches the edge of my forbidden zone. As I look at Ana, I realize her eyes are full of tears - tears of compassion for me. She can feel my terror, and she wants to try and wash it away for me, to take my pain away. 

If only it were that easy. She is so loving and caring, and I wish I could stop myself from flinching at her touch, but I can't. I can see how much it affects her, but no matter how hard I try, the fear is just too deeply ingrained within me.

The tears are flooding down her cheeks now.

“No. Please, don't cry. Please don't cry for me.” 

I can't bear to see her crying, especially when she’s crying for me. There is no need. It’s okay. I'm used to being this fucked up.

But her compassion makes her crying develop into full blown sobs, as she buries her head in my neck. I think Ana is empathizing with the child I was all those years ago. The small boy who was so badly abused that now he’s fifty shades of fucked up, and can't be fixed. The boy whose own birth mother didn't care enough to even attempt to protect him. Anastasia cares, but I fear she cares too much.

I wrap her in my arms, and lean down to tenderly kiss her.

“Don't cry, Ana, please. It was long ago. I am aching for you to touch me, but I just can't bear it. It’s too much. Please, please don’t cry.” If I could do it for anyone, it would be for you, I promise. Only you.

“I want to touch you, too. More than you’ll ever know. To see you like this… so hurt and afraid, Christian… it wounds me deeply.  I love you so much.”

"I know. I know," I whisper, as I run my thumb across her soft bottom lip. She is such a pure and honest creature. She wants to help me, but I'm beyond help. I know she’s just trying to make me feel better.

“You’re very easy to love. Don't you see that?”

My own birth mother, the crack whore, couldn't bring herself to love me, her own flesh and blood. So I must be completely unlovable. Even though my adoptive parents have tried their best, it’s proved impossible.

“No, baby, I don’t.”

“You are. And I do and so does your family. So do Elena and Leila – they have a strange way of showing it – but they do. You are worthy.”

“Stop. I can't hear this. I'm nothing, Anastasia. I'm a husk of a man. I don’t have a heart.” 

I put my finger over her mouth to stop the flow of words from her.  She is under some kind of delusion. It’s just not possible for anyone to truly love me.  Is it?

“Yes, you do. And I want it, all of it. You're a good man, Christian, a really good man. Don’t ever doubt that. Look at what you've done… what you've achieved. Look what you've done for me… what you've turned your back on, for me. I know. I know how you feel about me.”

I look at her in total disbelief. Is this really how she sees me? Someone who is capable of goodness? Lord knows I try, but it’s never enough to make up for the blackness in my soul.

“You love me.”

Her words cut through me. 

You. Love. Me. 

And somewhere deep down inside me, very deep down, I feel a spark of warmth as her words resonate in my very soul. The tiny pure piece left, that hasn't been trampled on and destroyed. Like a seed waiting to germinate, her words are the drops of water saving my life in the desert.  

This is my epiphany, my moment of revelation.  If I have the courage to admit that what she is saying is true, then everything makes sense and falls into place.

Love is what I have been in total denial about. The concept of love is what Flynn has been trying to get me to accept. 

Love is why I completely fell to pieces when she left me. I can't deny it any longer.  

I love Anastasia with all of my damaged heart, and with all of my desperately lonely soul.  But maybe she can fix me. Maybe it is just possible? Her pure love may be the salve that can cure me and breathe new life into my damaged heart and soul, to make me a better person. If I’m selfish enough to let her. 

And of course, I am a very selfish man.

“Yes, I do.” I whisper back.

I finally find the courage to admit it. I love Anastasia. I am truly, madly, deeply in love with this wonderful woman. Crazy, head over heels in love with her. 

It scares me to death, but I can no longer deny it. Nothing can hurt me any more deeply than when she left me last weekend, so what have I got to lose by facing up to my feelings? I have to be honest and not be such a coward. 

Why did I deny these feelings for so long? Because you still don’t deserve her.

Anastasia’s face breaks into a huge, ecstatic smile as she takes in my words. 

Yes, I do.  

She looks euphorically happy. She reaches up to kiss me, and I can feel her pouring herself into her kiss to show her love. 

She loves me. 

And I love her. 

It all makes perfect sense now.

TRULY, MADLY, DEEPLY - SAVAGE GARDEN http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZkQQU_U48WU



I don’t own any of the Fifty Shades Trilogy or the characters therein. They belong to E L James. I’m just borrowing them for fun and not for profit. Please refer to the Legal’s page for further details. This work is not to be copied or reproduced in any way without permission. 

163 comments:

  1. WoW!! I have been waiting on this chapter all day...stalking if I must admit!! So well written and touching the depths of Christian's soul. I love when he realizes he loves her!! Revelation it is! Thank you for your insight and how it always makes my day brighter...getting my Christian and Ana fix...Bowing down to you!
    Thank you and patiently waiting for more,
    Lisa x

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  2. wow wow wow
    The shower scene didn't fall short I was in tears reading it
    Well done, I can't wait until your next update

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  3. OMG! Thank You so much! This is awesome! Keep up the GooD Work! God Bless and Goodluck!

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  4. There are no words to describe my overwhelming feelings about this chapter…

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  5. ..........and I melt as I cry! Just have to love him. Thank you for making my weekend.

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  6. Once again you have melted me. I could feel his pain as she washed him and how he felt when he admitted he loved her. Thank you x x x x

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  7. Once again you have melted me. I could feel his pain as she washed him and how he felt when he admitted he loved her. Thank you x x x x

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  8. Uuuuuhhhhmazing! You truly have a gift, I'm absolutely addicted. The shower was beyond all expectations, thank you thank you thank you.

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  9. Yeah, I'm crying. I love your writing. You absolutely nail it with every chapter.

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  10. Thank you Thank you Thank you.... everytime I get an email I open it with bated breath hoping its a new update from you and this morning you exceeded my expectations.
    Laters Baby Xxx

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  11. I'm enjoying this blog more than the original books! The writing is better and there are less typos, thanks so much for all the effort you've put in. Please keep them coming. Grace's blog is also excellent :)

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    1. Thanks. Typo's are every writers nightmare, because no matter how many times you edit and check, some always slip through. Glad you're enjoying my blog anyhow :)

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  12. Didn't expect an update today. Just wanted to check and instead saw this amazing chapter. This. Is. Beyond. Perfection. Just like the feeling you get after reading an incredily awesome book. Thank you so much for this. Words couldn't describe how amazing you are and how profoundly perfect you've nailed our beloved Mr. Grey.

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    1. Thanks so much. You can never be sure if other people will agree with how you write a chapter, especially as most people know the original books by heart. So I'm happy that you're happy!

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  13. I've been waiting for this one and as always, you exceed my expectations. You have really got inside his head. Just perfect. thank you so much.

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  14. Wow this chapter was amazing. I have been waiting for this one for some time. I really think you wrote it better then the actual portrayal in the 50 shades darker novel. I love this POV. I think it really captures him and does not seem like fan fiction at all. One of the best books I have read. I can not wait for more. Keep it up!

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    1. Wow, thanks. I think it's much more interesting writing from Christian's pov, as he is such a tortured soul.

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  15. Love it!....Love it!....finally he admits his deep feelings for Ana, what a great read and written so well, Cant wait for the next chapter........Goody Goody!!

    Nikki.xx

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  16. LOVE IT! LOVE IT! You've done it again. I always look forward to reading these. So addictive. Very well written & never can get enough. Can't wait for more. I'm excited thinking about what's to come ahead lol Great job & keep em' coming! :)

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  17. Loved it was beautifully written brought a tear to my eye I could feel the emotions of Christian and ana keep doin g what you're doing you never fail to move me your proof reading sub xxxxxxx

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  18. What a nice surprise to get such a quick update. I find it upsetting that he calls his mum 'The crack whore' and thinks that he's unlovable. That's why this chapter is so significant. He's thinking of her needs before his own and giving up his comfort zones (bedroom, body). The 'You love me' moment was very powerful. I love the way you wrote what he was feeling inside - beautiful.

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    1. I agree about the term 'crack whore'. I think Christian uses it to cover up the hurt he feels of his mother basically abandoning and neglecting him. How damaging must it be if you believe that even the woman who gave birth to you finds you unlovable?

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  19. Wow that was amazing! I have chills up and down
    More please

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  20. Terrific chapter. Love the tenderness between Ana and Christian; the affection and love they exhibit for the other. Truly beautiful. Loved the emotions portrayed. I could feel them too. Now my keyboard's wet from my crying! (sniff, sniff). I always look forward to these chapters and believe me they're so great definitely worth the wait. Kudos to you!

    Nan :D

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    1. I may have shed a tear or two myself as I wrote this chapter. But now finally Christian can move on. He has accepted his ability to love :)

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  21. Fantastic yet again!! You never dissapoint! I loooved this chapter and you write so beautifully! I always cry at this chapter and you've captured it so well. Please dont stop writing, you always make my day when i read your blog! Ive reread these 3 times and need to print them off LOL!x

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  22. AMAZING chapter. It made me cry. I'm so in love with Ana and Christian. This chapter is perfection. You captured Christian's feeling do beautifully. The tenderness, the love between them is so special and you portrayed it perfectly.
    You are so talented, hats off to you! Thank you!

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  23. Well done! I have been waiting for Christian to tell his side of this moment since I started reading the books..and especially after finding your blog! You nailed it! I'm really looking forward to you taking us further! I love the way you write...very insightful. Thank you and keep writing =)

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  24. There is so much love you can give her Christian, keep going with the chapters loving your side of these books :-)

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  25. Outstanding writing! Christian's POV captured to perfection. Love the pictures. Wow, Ana's gallergy pictures, how did you do that? Alexis Bledel is THE perfect ANA. Thank you for the reading pleasure. :) Ann

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    1. The gallery picture was thanks to Jen Blackwood :)

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  26. Another awesome chapter....so worth the wait!

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  27. one of my fav chapters thank you

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  28. Great Job! What an amazing chapter. This is the chapter I've been waiting for. Who knew that one of my favorite chapters in the series would come on my birthday weekend. Not that you knew that but thank you all the same. It was very well written as usual. It's crazy how despite all of his fucked-upness, he still behaves like a warm blooded male. They never seem to know when they are in love. They continue to deny, deny, deny until its so obvious they have no other choice. His reasoning for his denial may have been different from many, he felt unworthy and some others feel its not manly and such, but they all eventually get there. And it's so beautiful when they get there, just like with Ana and Christian, and I am so glad to be witness. Final note, it is way more touching and heart-wrenching from Christian's POV.

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    1. Many Happy returns, Brooke, hope you have a great birthday.

      And yes, Christian finally had to accept that he loved Ana. I think it's going to be even more fun to write now!

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    2. Well I'm done with round three of the triology....I'm going to star reading all these chapters gain. I've given up TV....the boob tube just doesn't do it for me anymore. I prefer to re-read the books and this blog over and over... I look forward to your updates.... I'm excited to see what Christian's POV his for the remainder of events to come....

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  29. omg what a fab chapter loved everything about it thank you and keep up with the good work thank you you made me cry with the shower scene xx

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  30. One of the good ones!!!!!

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  31. The last few chapters were incredibly written! I love how deep you explore Christian's emotions and feelings. Keep up the great writing! I can't wait until the big moment when Christian tells Ana his dark secret. I prefer when you used to have pictures of Miranda Kerr as Ana, even though she's not an actress, she is how I imagined Ana.

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    1. I agree Miranda's image makes a great Ana. However, sometimes it's a case of finding the correct picture to suit the story line :)

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    2. I can see Miranda Kerr visually but Ana is such a complex, emotional character idk if she can pull it off....can she act?

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  32. Been waiting for my Christian and Ana fix and it didn't disappoint. The shower scene is one of my favourite of the whole series of books. Love reading it from Christians point of view. Extremely moving and makes me love him more and more. Can't wait for the next. Still love getting emails from Christian Grey. Guaranteed to brighten up much day. :-)

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  33. Been waiting for my Christian and Ana fix and it didn't disappoint. The shower scene is one of my favourite of the whole series of books. Love reading it from Christians point of view. Extremely moving and makes me love him more and more. Can't wait for the next. Still love getting emails from Christian Grey. Guaranteed to brighten up much day. :-)

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  34. Like a seed waiting to germinate, her words are the drops of water saving my life in the desert. This is my epiphany, my moment of revelation. Brillant, as always. Kirsten

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  35. Amazing amazing chapter. Actually started cheering and then crying lol. Lovely chapter. One of my favorite parts! I can't wait to see how Christian handles being pregnant in book 3! I love seeing into his mind and soul and admitting he loves Ana. Sigh, very good! Tha k you so much for this hun!!! Amazing!!:-)

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  36. Thank you!! I couldn't wait for this next chapter, and once again, you never dissappoint! Looking forward to many more chapters...I don't want it to end

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  37. WOW. This one made me cry as it did with the book xxxxxxx

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  38. Wow, just wow. Loved it! I did a little happy dance when I saw your latest chapter was up, and at the end, I sighed. Poor Christian! But, he's finally letting his walls down to start understanding that he loves Ana. There's still so long to go, but this "revelation" is a turning point. So well done! Thank you!

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  39. Oh you made me cried. You are best when you on your own. "why did I deny this feeling for so long?" That was so touching and so Christian! Thanks for voicing it out. This is why we hang on to you, to your words week after week after week. Hope we keep going on for long time. Greatful to you and your family!
    Kim

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  40. Wow. This was one of my favorite parts of the book and I cry everytime I read it. You made me cry again and I'm loving it. You captured this chapter perfectly and I loved, loved, loved it. Your writing truly amazes me and I'm so thankful for it. I look forward to each chapter every week. Thank you so much for this. This is my "me" time and I love it.

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    1. Every one deserves at least a little bit of 'me' time, so I'm glad you enjoy reading my blog in that time:)

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  41. Fantastic writing as always!! LOved your perspective of Christian finally realising he loves Ana!!
    Eve

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  42. yes.. Mrs.Grey does sound better. Hearts and Flowers starting to grow and bloom.

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    1. Then the extreme pleasure Christian gets from letting Ana touch him where no one else has before. hmm Ice Cream Sundaes coming up ;)

      *sends over a pint of Sanders' Hot Fudge*

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  43. I agree with stephanies hearts and flowers from now on. love that christian now know he loves ana and thank you for catching that in this chapter. just printed it off and put it with the other 37 chapter my family think i am mad but i dont care lol it is my guilty pleasures cant wait for more chapters . once again thank you for your great writing

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    1. You're not the only one whose family think she's mad, that I can tell you! But you just ignore them and carry on Mandy!

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    2. I know my family thinks I'm crazy! I was looking for the Fifty's soundtrack at Walmart today. My 12 year-old son said, "Why are you so addicted to this "Fifty Shades of Grey" mess!" I told him I just am! Now leave me alone about it! I see so much of my husband in Christian it is unreal. Like wanting me to go to a female OBGYN and not my male one that I have been using for 12 years, as well as some much other stuff. I truly have got to break away from FSG but I just can't pull myself away! Am I crazy or what? Any suggestions would be great!

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    3. I think we are all a little crazy. But what harm are we doing? Why shouldn't we enjoy a little fix of Fifty now and again to brighten up our day? :0

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  44. fantastic!!! the part explaining christians realisation that he does love Ana is brilliant i am in awe of your talent the way you have re written these chapters and described christians feelings is just perfect...... would you consider doing the same for Bared to you would love to see inside Gideons head the same as Christians although would love to read any of your books if you do any x Mel x

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    1. I think once I've finished this, I'll be concentrating on my own original work, Mel. Funny thing is, I didn't take to Bared To You when I downloaded a taster to my Kindle. Perhaps I should give it another chance.

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    2. I look forward to your original works as well.

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  45. So, ummm. . . this chapter brought tears to my eyes. if that was your intention, it worked very well. lol. Christian realizing his feelings, oh, makes me want to fall inlove. Haha. Ana is right he is just so loveable. his character is probably one of my top faves as a leading man. he might be 50shades of f up but seriously. how can you not like him. great writing, great character developement. i love this story and. again im so thankful of you writing CG's pov. if this was a book i'd buy it in an instant. looking forward to the next chapter

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  47. brilliant brilliant it brought a tear to my eye i love the way you can interpret Christian and how he worked it out that he loves her so heart warming

    Keep up the good work :)

    Sarah x

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  48. yippee made my weekend..and as always you never disappoint because you are just freakin amazing..always hitting the spot!
    Missing Fifty X

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  49. This made my day!! I checked my email and saw the update and had the most ridiculous grin on my face that my husband knew exactly what happened! Loved this chapter and cant wait for the next one with the car shopping and sailing. Keep up the good work. It's brilliant and I love reading Christian's POV maybe more than Ana's.

    Thank you so much,
    Megan

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    1. I take your husband knows all about your Christian addiction then, Megan!

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  50. I checked in for my weekly fix and you did not disappoint! Great writing backstory as always. I almost felt like it was the grinch having his heart grow three sizes bigger. Beautiful imagery and he commenting on liking Ana to be "Mrs. Gray" So cute and so in love. Thank you!!!

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    1. Mrs Grey....another little seed planted in his mind...

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  51. Replies
    1. Oh My. 'yes I do'. What a wonderful perfect chapter. I was crying with Ana in the shower. Christian's thoughts through out the shower was so heartbreaking, his damaged heart and lonely soul. You have done christian proud with your amazing writing, even though you've made me cry, the end of the chapter have left a permanent smile under my tears. Thank you, thank you, thank you for making the best part of the trilogy even better xxx

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    2. Gosh, I seem to have made an awful lot of people cry with this chapter. But it's good to let your emotions loose now and again, isn't it?

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  52. Great job!!! I been waiting for this and much more!!!!!! Thanks and keep them coming.

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  53. Excellent writing! Love it! Thank you so very much!!!

    Maria F.

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  54. Love love love this chapter! So emotional. You are brilliant. Thank you.

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  55. Now that I am crying like a baby! I love the way you write damaged Christian. All I can think about is poor baby Christian. You did an amazing job!

    Krystyne

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  56. Whenever someone asks me what I've read after 50 shades, I've always told them about this blog! You are a talented writer and I'm never disappointed when a new chapter is posted. THANK YOU for having the courage and creativity to do this! Can't wait for the next chapter!

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  57. I love how he wants to buy her a different car than an Audi (Submmissive Special). He understands and cares about her feelings more and more. Allowing Ana to wash off the lipstick is such a major step in his healing. I love how he is starting to accept that she is his therapy!
    Rene

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  58. Love love LOVE this chapter!!! You've hit how I imagined his view to be spot on... Thank you and can't wait for more x

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  59. Love it, love this chapter! I just melted into this one. So wishing I had my very own Grey! Keep them coming and Thank you for making my weekends!

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  60. OMG! What a phenomenal chapter! I just want to take hold of him and hug,kiss and love him forever!! Love him and love you for your efforts! Thanks you!

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  61. Another wonderful chapter! Like is said before You. Are. Amazing!!!!!!!

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  62. Wow, another fantastic chapter.Loving reading them!!

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  63. I loved how Christian envisions including Ana's imput in the decoration of their future house. The I-love-you confession made me cry every time I read it, including this ;.(... I LOVED IT ;D

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    1. He's discovering how great it is to share things with someone you care about isn't he?

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    2. Yes, as Grace T-G would say: What is the point of having everything in the world when you don't have somebody to share it with?

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  64. Wow what an amazing chapter love the shower part it was so touching I even teared up , your a great writer keep up the good work , thank you . Can't wait till next chapter you make my weekend

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  65. Wow, I always want to know Christian's inside feeling before he knowledge that
    he truly really love Ana.
    Great chapter, thank you,thank you, I know you love Christian like we all do.

    C.P.

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  66. Splendid!! Brilliant and masterful!! Your writing makes me fall in love with Christian and Ana all over again. Can't wait till the next chapters!!

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  67. O M G !!!! I can barely type this through my tear filled eyes. The way you described Christian's thoughts about his denial of love for Ana is exactly how I perceived it when I read Ms. James's books. That shower scene was emotional for both of them. As always, you keep this blog up so diligently and it brightens my day when I see an update. Thank You!! xxoo :)

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    1. Thanks, Carol. Good to know we have the same viewpoint about Christian's feelings and thoughts.

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  68. That was AWESOME !!! Thankyou for all the work and effort you put into making it great

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  69. OMG I loved it!!!! Can't wait for more :)

    ~Annalee

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  70. Thank You so much!It made me cry,Your writing is brilliant,you have portrayed their love perfectly.

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  71. This is beautifully, wonderfully written. You just fall in love with it. This is my most favorite piece of yours. Thank you so much. -Dianne

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  72. What a beautiful chapter........
    Everytime I read a new chapter I fall in love with the story again......and hearing from Christian POV is wonderful......
    You are doing such a great job......
    You should get it published because I believe you would sell more than just a million copies.......I think you would sell millions of copies.....
    Can't wait for the next chapter.

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  73. WOW aother great chapter,loved the shower when Ana wouldnt tell him she might of been pregnant, ots great to know what actually goes on in his mind. And when Christian finally found his soul warm up when he relized he does love Ana well written, always have a box of tissues nearby when im reading
    Chez xxx

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  74. Can't wait til you finish all CG pov up up to Freed. Til yout next blog.. xoxo ;)

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  75. Amazing, is one of my favorites scenes...

    Thank you VERY MUCH for your try, to revel Christian's thoughts and feelings.

    We are waiting the next chapter.

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  76. I love this, just could read and read it.. Love this part.. More chapters please.

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  77. I just found this blog and couldn't stop reading!! I love this, and can't wait until the next chapter! :)

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  79. Fantastic chapter,Ana crying in the shower was so moving and love that Christian has said that he does love her,heartwarming.Love your writing,can't wait for more x x

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  80. Love it!!! Had been waiting for this chapter of when he admits he loves Ana. I love this whole Christian side of the story it's great! Thanks so much :)

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  81. I can't wait for Aspen...the bath...the club fight....ooh oh...

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  82. Amazing... again! Love it and am anxious to read more!

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  83. Oh my god!!! I absolutely love this blog! I did try reading another one that was doing the same thing but this one is so much more incredible!! You really seem to get the way that Christian would think, because Im a maassive fan of the books its been hard for me to find someone who does Christians POV as well as you do!! Cant wait for the next update!!

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  84. I love your interpretation of Christian's thoughts and I love the photos you put up, especially Mr Somerhalder =P
    I was wondering if you've checked out Aussie actress Bella Heathcote as a potential Ana, I fell she has the perfect look and is in the right age range. (She's only 24)

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    1. I agree, Bella does look like a possible Ana contender :)

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  85. Love your writings - wow loved this chapter. Excited to read more!!!

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  86. This is my favourite section from all the books my favourite quote and you just made it even more perfect for me ! Thank you x

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  87. i just have to chime in and find out if you all are as obsessed as i am. (probably) i listen to a lot of music. i usually have music playing the majority of my day....lots of lyrics have been reminding me of christian and ana, and i smile and laugh to myself....but the one that does it the mosttttttttt.....is "million dollar man" by lana del rey. its basically the whole first book summarized in a song. you all should check it outttt. amaze.

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    1. Yeah.. I think it's a given.. We're addicts of the trilogy and this blog..plus the Grace blog.... When I read the book for the second time...I listened to a lot of the music that Ana and Christian listened to...what I could find anyway....and it brought another aspect to the books....made it a bit more intense... Tallis comes to mine... I found some music that I probably would never have listened to if it were not for the book

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  88. All there is to say is THANK YOU SO MUCH. I can't wait to keep reading. So much that I check every day to see if I'm lucky enough to read the next chapter ;)

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  89. I'm totally, hopelessly, desperately in love with this blog! Another great chapter and can't wait for more, more, more!!

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  90. another job well done you have Christian down so well even E.L. James I don't believe could do any better what a wonder Chapter looking forward to more updates Thank you so much

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  91. I absolutely love these a friend let me know about this blog. I have to agree with the other posts...I do think this is better written than the original books! I look foward to reading you original works in the future! Keep the chapters coming I am totally a fan of yours :-)

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  92. Oh my! You're witty, smart, a very very good writer and you have me hooked up just like I started reading 50 shades. I discovered this blog today and it's a revelation (no more working, cooking, cleaning for me for a few days :))
    I love love love this!
    Keep up the good work

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    1. Glad you found your way to my blog, Debra. And like I always say, sod the housework!

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  93. hi
    are we in for another midweek treat this week ? i so cant wait i must check 10 times a day to see if there is any update :)

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    1. It'll be later in the week this time :)More delayed gratification for you.

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    2. I'm just happy o know it's coming...patiently impatiently waiting...lol

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  94. It's like you took the Christian I imagined when reading the books and brought him to life for me. I will continue to stalk this blog for another much anticipated chapter. BTW, if the writer of the books had any sense she wouldn't even try to compete with your blog by writing her on Christian POV. You are just way beyond talented. Amazing <3

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  95. Of the entire trilogy, this part was my favorite.(close second is the hair cutting scene) It still gets me every time.

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  96. Wow this is perfect!! The shower scene was exactly how I pictured it would be from his POV. I was in tears! Can't wait for more :)

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  97. I had reread the trilogy about 4 or 5 times and was going through Ana and Christian withdrawal when I found your blog on Pinterest. Wow, thank you so much for taking the time and effort to do this. I love your writing and your interpretation of Christians feelings, thoughts and actions. I am very much looking forward to the next installment.
    Again, Thanks.

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  98. OMG! I told my husband I was reading from Christian's point of view now and he is so worried I am going to sink back into the depression I went into after finishing the Trilogy. I hope not! I really am enjoying this. It helps to see what he is thinking! I have truly grown to love Christian and Ana as if they are real. I hate Elena! She makes me sick! Although she is a fictional character as well! Can't help but to be pulled in by your writing! It is great! Now just waiting for the next chapter. Chapter 39!!!! Keep up the good work!!!!!

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    1. I know what you mean... My hubby was so mad at me..probably till is b/c I zone completely out...I am reading the trilogy for the 4th time....

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    2. the exact same thing happens to me and my bf gets pissed at me. i too zone out. also about to start my fourth time. i completely ignore him and start to resent him bc i want my own Christian grey! e

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  99. Speechless....I'm crying. LOVE IT!!!

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  100. Loving that I get to re live the trilogy! You do an excellent job! Can't wait for more!

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  101. When is your new chapter coming??? Love reading your POV of Christian!!! Cant wait!! Keep up the good work, hope you can take the book further than the last chapter of the original!!!

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  102. Cant't believe that 3months after id read FSD for the 3rd time, I read your versions of the lipstick and the shower scenes - and i STILL cry! What am I like??? Well done, love yr work :-)

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  103. cant wait for the next chapters. specially when christian went sub on anna (thought she was walking out) and started to open up to her. one of my fav parts. thanks again. you really did a great job.

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  104. Hi. Really loved Christian's POV. Maybe you should consider writing the fifty shades trilogy as well, since really loved your writing style.

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  105. I found your blog a few days ago, and I have so much enjoyed reading this perspective. Makes you fall in love with Christian and Ana all over again. I can't wait to read more. Great writing. Thank you so much.

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  106. I am just spell bound...and crying. Thank you for writing from Christian's POV. This is fantastic. Can't wait for "More"!

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  107. Im so in love with your writing and Christians POV ! You are so talented! Plz plz write faster :)! Im so excited to read his POV when he goes all sub mode on Ana .. my favorite part well one of them! Can't wait for more ! There's that word... MORE :)

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  108. Ow man!!!!!
    This blog is soooooo gooood xx
    Ive downloaded a song from xfactor it is so much
    Ana.
    Beautiful by Bella Ferraro
    Original by One Direction
    I play it constantly It is ANA!!!
    You are doing a fantastic job writing please never
    stop.
    Carli58

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  109. Amazing been hoping that someone would take the time to write Christians side I was always wondering what he was thinking so much that the el James version would get me so frustrated even tho its the first books I've ever finished and read all 3 in four days but I would just like to thank you for writing about Christian he really dose need to be herd you should publish this this would fill so many gabs for so many women around the world if I must be honest I prefer your version than the original please please don't stop writing as you,d break my heart lol maybe a bit traumatic but I don't care hope you don't rush threw the marriage or pregnancy the way EL James sadly dose Can not wait for next chapter ? Xxx

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  110. WOW! You have TRULY out-done yourself!!!!!
    Thank you thank you from all your readers. You give us what we can't have :)
    I LOVE THIS MAN EVEN MORE! I have read your blogs in about 3 days, and I am so sad that I will be caught up and miss reading your version everyday...
    Keep up the great work!
    Laters;0

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  111. Seriously, this is good writing. Well done. I'm late to this blog, never having sought out what is termed 'fanfic.' But your writing excels. You have captured Christian -- and even Jason Taylor -- very well, without devolving into purely testosterone-laden, macho, Maxim Forum level claptrap. This pivotal episode makes or breaks the storyline, and your writing, your evocation of Christian's motivations interlaced with his sordid history, all weave the correct magic.

    If I may, a musical suggestion to underscores your choice of Savage Garden, "Truly, Madly, Deeply." http://youtu.be/goYnjP-ghRk Perhaps this could be the musical interlude underneath the love scene aboard The Grace? ;-)

    Carry on. - Bleuz

    Diana Krall, "I've Got You Under My Skin," http://youtu.be/goYnjP-ghRk with a slower, almost samba insouciance.. ;-)

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    1. Thanks for your kind words and the Diana Krall link - she has a wonderful voice indeed :)

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  112. You write his POV so perfectly- especially the emotion in this chapter- I am enjoying your writing so much. Thank you for sharing your gift.

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  113. This is it. This is exactly what this whole story is about...LOVE! You captured it better the EL did. Brilliant job. So glad I held off three months of reading to be able to sit here are read through it back to back. Keep up the awesome work.

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  114. It's definetely growing on me. I also find these chapters way better written than those at the start. Less repetition and less "I am so good at this". There's still some. I don't think Christian (or anybody) would be mentally patting their own back as much as happens in your writing. Still, devouring it. (I skipped chapters 7 to 25 or so though.. have to get back there eventually.)

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  115. I was looking forward to read the part where Ana takes Christians hand and dries him.But i enjoyed reading it though.
    Thanks

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  116. This is my favourite chapter coz every time read it my waterworks just flow. Ana reaching Christian on a deeper level, and reading this on Christian POV..... .wow Love it!

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  117. I love your POV. I was able to understand Christian even mooreee!

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  118. I'm not gonna lie... I was most definitely crying at the end. It was beautiful, so so beautiful!!! Thank you for this!!

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  119. Loved this chapter!! Made me cry!!
    I love the fact that he realizes just how he feels for Ana!! Thanks so much for writing this!!

    ❤Karen M.

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  120. I just have to say, I stumbled upon your blog yesterday and I am already to this post. I CANNOT put it down! Your writing is terrific, even better than the author's (sorry whoever that offends) You really should write your own book!

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  121. I felt so sad reading the shower scene and his fear. But it's good that he can trust Ana not to stray from the line.

    And his revelation that he does indeed love her... Words fail me. As I've said before, I haven't read many fics from his POV but there has to be as many versions to when he realizes he loves as there are writers. In some it's when she leaves her, in some it's later.

    I know it's been said before but this really does feel like E L James is writing this. It feels so... Christian.

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