Chapter 39 - Sailing Life's Ocean

Recalling the huge battle we had about my original gift of the Audi A3 to Anastasia, this time around I'm pleasantly surprised by how easily she accepts me buying her a replacement car when we arrive at the Saab dealership.  Maybe it’s because for some reason, Anastasia's now in an incredibly good mood, having got over her earlier grumpiness this morning.

We discuss suitable color choices for her new car.  Although her car will have one of our standard tracking devices fitted, I still want her car to be easily visible at night, so I don't want her to have a black car like mine. Black suits your soul, but not hers, Grey. 

Red was a suitable sexy color for a submissive's car, but again, now I think about it, it's not the right choice for Ana. She brings light into my life, so silver or white seems appropriate. We settle on silver, certainly not the disgusting canary yellow she flippantly suggests.

 Then for some reason, she suddenly seems to feel guilty over getting excited about a new car, and mumbles that she liked the Audi and would be happy to have another one of those. 

Troy Turniansky, the smarmy Saab salesman, is clearly horrified at the thought of losing his commission on the sale of a brand new, top of the range 9-3 2.0T Sport Sedan. 

"Perhaps you'd like the convertible, ma'am?" Troy eagerly suggests, trying his best to win Ana back to the idea of a Saab, rather than the Audi. Guess you've got to give the guy points for effort.

"Convertible?" I turn to Ana to see her reaction.

I'm pleasantly surprised to see that Ana actually looks pretty excited at the thought of a convertible - she’s never had one before. So finally, she starts taking some interest and pleasure in the fact that I can easily get her a great car.  She can certainly have whatever she wants, but first I need some reassurance.

"What are the safety stats on the convertible?"

"Well, sir, as I'm sure you are already aware, safety has always been a core Saab value. The 9-3 scores at the highest possible level in all relevant categories of the IIHS Frontal Offset Crash Test.  Rollover protection is assured, thanks to pop up roll bars, and the reinforced windshield surround is massively strong, ensuring that it's every bit as safe as the 9-3 saloon. It has twin front and side airbags, and comes with Saab Active Head Restraints to reduce whiplash in the event of a collision. It also comes complete with a comprehensive immobilizer, and alarm system boasting motion and tilt sensors."

Once the salesman has provided me with all the detailed safety stats, I'm satisfied that driving a convertible would not put Ana at any increased risk, so I'm more than happy to indulge her.  As Troy heads off to check availability on his computer, I turn to look at Ana. 

She's grinning broadly at me, and that gorgeous smile of hers is lighting up her face. Somehow I know this is not just about getting her a new car. You admitted you loved her. Now she’s happy. Delusional, but happy.

"Whatever high you're on, I'd like some, Miss Steele," I grin back at her.

"I'm high on you, Mr. Grey," she whispers back.  Love is the drug.

"Really? Well, you certainly look intoxicated. And thank you for accepting the car. That was easier than last time."

"Well, it's not an Audi A3."

"That's not the car for you."  You deserve something much more unique, because you are unique.

"I liked it." You could have fooled me, the fuss you made over accepting it in the beginning.

"Sir, the 9-3? I located one at our Beverly Hills dealership. We can have it here for you in a couple of days," the salesman proudly announces. 

"Excellent."

Taylor's Platinum Amex card he gave me to use at the hotel last night is not intended for this kind of purchase. It’s just for his normal day to day expenses, so I hand the salesman my black Centurion Amex card, which he practically drools over.

Transaction completed, we head off towards the Marina and my boat.

~~~

We stop to have lunch on the way, and I'm pleased to see Ana enjoys the seafood chowder I recommend, along with the Adnams Explorer beer I suggest we have with it. Elliot introduced me to this light beer, which has a refreshing tang.  For some reason, it’s  hard to track down in Seattle, so I always order it whenever I come to SP’s place.

As we eat and drink, I question Ana about her mom and stepdad, and she fills in some of the gaps about her upbringing in Montesano, Texas and Vegas. Sounds like she had a pretty unsettled childhood, with only Ray providing some much needed stability for her, although I think she probably looked after him, as much as he looked after her. 

Maybe that’s what kept her busy, why she's very self sufficient, and why she never seemed to bother about having a boyfriend. I think Ray wouldn’t have encouraged any boyfriends, as he seems the protective kind of father. I’m glad about that – really glad. I don’t think I could handle her having any significant exes. In truth, I don’t think I could handle any type of ex, because I fucking love that I am her first boyfriend, her first lover, the only one who has ever had the pleasure of possessing her. The only man ever to have fucked her, which makes her totally mine.

She still won't be drawn about her mom's third husband, this Steve Morton guy. She just says things didn't work out between him and her mom. I've discussed my worries about this with Flynn, and he's advised me to let her tell me in her own good time about any issues concerning him. He says it wouldn't be a good idea for me to push her, not if she doesn't respond to some gentle questioning. I hate not knowing about this, but I don't want to spoil the good mood between us. 

I’m really looking forward to this afternoon, because I  love sailing just as much as I love gliding. They both give me a real sense of freedom, a space where I can leave everything behind, and just enjoy the sensation of being alive. The wide open sky, or the wide open ocean, they are both places where I feel that I can actually breathe properly, as if all the bad shit in my life has been left behind for a short while. It's why I have a seascape picture hanging in my bedroom, to remind me of that feeling.

Ana seemed to get the same feeling when I took her soaring. I think she got the same buzz, the same high as me. I guess that's why she gave me the model glider kit as a thank you present. The model that I spent hours making after she left me, that now has pride of place on my desk in my office at Grey House. I can be deeply immersed in the finer details of a complicated deal I'm working on, but one glance at that little model instantly takes me back to that great day with her in Georgia, and I find myself smiling and thankful that she has given me this second chance.

So I really want Anastasia to experience sailing with me too, because I'm sure she'll get the same thrill again. I can't wait to watch her face. I love that she loves doing the same things that I do. I love that she is brave and adventurous, and always willing to try out new experiences. 

Making her happy makes me happy. 

Because I love her. 

It's still very strange and kind of freaky for me to roll those words around in my head, but I also feel as if a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders too. Everything has fallen into place. We still have some problems and issues to work through, but now I dare to start thinking in terms of us sharing a future together. There are endless possibilities. There is hope and light in my life. A reason to go forward. 

Anastasia is my whole reason for living. It's scary but great, all at the same time.

After lunch, we walk along the marina until we reach our destination.

"I thought we'd go sailing this afternoon. This is my boat."

"Wow..."

Anastasia is suitably impressed as we stand in front of it.

"Built by my company. She's been designed from the ground up by the very best naval architects in the world and constructed here in Seattle at my yard. She has hybrid electric drives, asymmetric dagger boards, a square-topped mainsail..." I start to explain.

"Okay... you've lost me, Christian."

I'm very proud of my fantastic boat and I guess I tend to get a bit carried away about her, just as I do about my helicopter. Boys with toys.

"What's her name?"

I show Ana the name on the side of my boat. ‘The Grace.’

"You named her after your mom?"

"Yes. Why do you find that strange?"

Ana shrugs at me.

"I adore my mom, Anastasia. Why wouldn't I name a boat after her?"

"No, it's not that ... it's just..."

"Anastasia, Grace Trevelyan saved my life. I owe her everything."

My mom seemed to me to be some sort of a special angel, when the police brought me into the Michigan Children's Hospital after the crack whore died. She was dressed all in clean, pure white, and she was so kind and gentle and patient with me. 

I was terrified, because I didn't understand what was happening, but when she spoke to me in her soft, calm voice, somehow I just knew that I could trust her right from the very beginning. And that instinct proved to be right. She is the most wonderful mother someone like me could ever hope for, even if I don't deserve her. 

So naturally I named my pride and joy, my boat, ‘The Grace’, after her.

We get on board, and I introduce Ana to Mac. 

"Anastasia, this is Liam McConnell. Liam, this is my girlfriend, Anastasia Steele."

Ana blushes sweetly. She needs to get over her shyness, and get used to being introduced as my girlfriend. Because I love her. 

What Mac doesn’t know about boats isn’t worth knowing. He comes from a long line of shipbuilders in his native Belfast in Northern Ireland - Harland and Wolff was where the Titanic was built - so I think ships and the sea are in his blood. Like all of my staff, he is excellent at his job - I only employ the very best.

He’s also a really easy guy to work alongside, probably because he loves sailing as much as I do. Hopefully, if Ana takes to sailing, I’ll be making more use of his services. Much as I love my boat, I haven’t been using it as often as I would like, up to now. 

But with Anastasia by my side to share the fun, I’m thinking we’ll make it a regular fixture, so I’ll look into getting her enrolled on a sailing course. I’m assuming she can swim, but I’ll also make sure that’s taken care of if she can’t. 

I give Ana a quick tour, including the master cabin. I have plans for later in there. I've never brought anyone, apart from my family, on my boat. I've certainly never fucked anyone at sea, so I'm planning on another great first for us. But that will have wait.

Before we set sail, I make sure Ana puts her life-jacket on. Safety first, always.

"You love strapping me in, don't you?" Ana smiles knowingly at me, as I tighten the straps for her.

"In any form." 

"You are a pervert." Can’t deny it.

"I know." Doesn't seem to worry her any more though.

"My pervert," she whispers.

"Yes, yours. Always." Because I love you. "Come."

We go up and join Mac in the cockpit.

"Is this where you learned all your rope tricks?" she asks, as she notices Mac sorting out some ropes.

"Clove hitches have come in handy. Miss Steele, you sound curious. I like you curious, baby. I’d be more than happy to demonstrate what I can do with a rope.”

When we were discussing getting back together after the break up, Ana agreed she likes kinky fuckery. Since then, I’ve been trying to work out in my mind just what constitutes kinky fuckery, what exactly the boundaries are.

I think Ana’s definition of what is not acceptable to her all centers around the infliction of pain, and yet she begged me to spank her yesterday. She is sending out conflicting messages, which I'm finding confusing. I guess a lot of that is down to her lack of experience and unfounded fears. We can work this out between us, I'm sure we can. 

We have to.

I know at some stage in the future, I would love to experiment with Ana and rope bondage, and I really think she would enjoy it too. I’m interested in the Japanese art of Kinbaku, which is a type of bondage with very intricate knots, where the rope and the woman become a piece of very erotic art. 

I'd love to see her suspended as well, even though Ana originally put it down as a hard limit.  But I'm not ruling it out as a future possibility.  I'm confident Ana could really get into bondage, especially if I sell it to her as a no pain, controlled pleasure option. 

Fuck, yeah!

This is an area that I'm really looking forward to exploring with her.  When the time is right, I think we could both get off on this; it would be great kink that we could share for our mutual pleasure. 

Alternatively, I could get us a sex swing, which might seem less intimidating to her, while basically achieving a similar effect. 

But much as I enjoy planning out these things, I’m very well aware that this is all still a very long way in the future. I’m determined not to rush things, not to get carried away or take any risks again. I’m certainly not prepared to take her back into my playroom yet. I’m just really happy being with her any way I can.

~~~

Ana loves sailing, just as I knew she would. I involve her as much as I can so she isn’t just a bored bystander, and she doesn’t fail. As always, she rises to the challenge. She steers the boat when I hand control over to her, so Mac and I can unfurl the sails.  

She looks worried at first, but she can't really do much wrong – I wouldn’t have let her do it otherwise.  But she doesn’t panic; she does as instructed to keep the boat on course, and then cuts the engine when I signal to her. We make a great team.

When the sails are up and The Grace is soaring toward the Olympic Peninsula, Ana looks totally exhilarated. I stand behind her as she steers the boat, and I can feel the excitement bouncing off her. She gets it, she totally gets it.

“Christian! This is fantastic,” she shouts at me, as she beams with delight. “It’s amazing.”

I can’t ever remember enjoying a sailing trip as much as I do today. Ana’s enthusiasm is infectious. The views have never seemed so impressive, the sea has never seemed so expansive. The freedom, the sense of leaving all our problems behind is completely invigorating, and just what we both need after recent events.

Ana looks so beautiful as she relaxes and enjoys herself. Her hair is windswept, she has color in her cheeks, and she can’t seem to stop smiling. 

This afternoon, she’s the gorgeous, carefree girl that José captured in his portraits once more. I love seeing her like this, and it makes me determined to take Ana sailing and soaring as often as we can fit them in.

~~~

Mac is the sole of discretion. He doesn’t bat an eye lid when I send him ashore in the inflatable on a pointless errand, as soon as we anchor in a small cove off Bainbridge Island, telling him to take his time. 

I’m sure he’s worked it out. I’ve brought my beautiful girlfriend on board. There is a cabin with a large bed that’s just begging to be christened.  Now we’re safely anchored, he understands that his presence is no longer required, so he quickly makes himself scarce.

So as soon as he leaves, I don’t hesitate – I take Ana’s hand and lead her straight to the master cabin.

I impatiently peel off her lifejacket – she won’t need it for what I have in mind for the next hour or so.

Ana already has that sexy look in her eyes, the look that tells me she wants me.

“I want to see you,” I whisper as I kiss her soft mouth. “Strip for me.”

I fucking loved the striptease she did for me last night. It was so erotic, knowing she actually wanted me looking at her, instead of being uncomfortable and shy as she’s been up to now. It turned her on and it sure as hell turned me on, and I’ve been thinking about a repeat performance all morning.

Ana is happy to comply, as she slowly undoes the buttons of her blue blouse, and immediately I have a rock hard erection straining at the fly of my pants.

As she lets her shirt drop to the floor, I see she’s wearing one of her new lacy bras. Her breasts look magnificent in it. She has such great breasts. I could look at them all day.

Next, she reaches for the button on her jeans, and I’m reminded that she is still a beginner when it comes to stripping. The first rule of stripping is to take your shoes off first, otherwise it gets tricky when you try to take your jeans off.

“Stop. Sit,” I order her.

I quickly kneel down and remove her sneakers and socks. I don’t want anything clumsy to spoil my private striptease show, or dent her fragile confidence. I kiss her toe and graze my teeth against her to make sure she’s still relaxed and turned on, knowing that the nerves at the end of her toes are directly connected to the area where I’m shortly going to be concentrating all my energy.

“Continue,” I command, as I help her to her feet.

She slowly undoes the zip of her jeans, hooks her thumbs in the waistband and then eases them down over her hips. Mmm, I really like the matching lacy thong she’s wearing. It’s just enough to showcase that fantastic ass of hers. 

I fucking love sexy underwear – what man doesn’t? I particularly like lace and satin. I want her to wear only these luxurious types of fabric. I want her to always wear sexy lingerie for me, even if she’s just wearing casual clothes like jeans, because I’ll know what she’s wearing underneath, and it’ll be just for me.

I can see that Ana is getting more confident as she strips for me – maybe because she can see how turned on I am. She slowly unhooks her bra and lets it slide to the floor. In their unconfined state, there is no question that Anastasia has the best natural shape breasts I’ve ever seen. Full, yet pert, rounded and soft, but firm. I can’t help but stare at their perfection. No other man gets to see them like this, only me.

Then she slips the panties off to stand in front of me in her full natural glory. She is so beautiful. Perfection. Beautiful inside and out, that’s my Ana. The girl that I love.

Now, I can’t wait to get naked and join her. I impatiently pull off my sweater and T-shirt as I gaze hungrily at her. I kick off my shoes and socks, but as I go to undo the button of my jeans, Ana reaches over.

“Let me,” she whispers, as she looks at me with pure lust.

“Be my guest.”

She confidently steps towards me, slips her fingers inside the waistband of my jeans and then tugs me towards her. I like this audacity, this new found confidence of hers. It shows she wants me as much as I want her. This is a fun game – new, but fun. 

She undoes my fly button, and then enticingly strokes my erection through the fabric of my jeans.  I push myself against her harder, relishing her touch.

“You’re getting so bold, Ana, so brave,” I whisper, as I take her face in my hands and lean down to kiss her.

“So are you,” she whispers back, as she slowly skims her fingers against the exposed skin just above the top of my jeans.

“Getting there.” Because of you.

She slowly undoes the zip of my jeans, and slides her hand in to take hold of my length. I didn’t think I could get any harder, but now I do. I groan out loud as her hand grips me, squeezes me and strokes me. I love that she has her hands down my pants like some horny teenager, and I willingly let her give my cock her full attention. 

But I want more, much more.

“Oh, I want you so much, baby,” I whisper in her ear.

Breaking apart, I step back and quickly dispense with my jeans and boxers.  I see her gazing at my chest, and for an instant she looks sad, so I guess she’s looking at my scars.

“What’s wrong, Ana?” I ask, as I tenderly stroke her soft face.

“Nothing. Love me, now,” she smiles back at me.

I’m glad she chooses not to dwell on my scars, because they are symbols of the old wounds that I will always carry round with me. I think maybe these wounds are fading a little these days, thanks to Ana.

So I pull her back into my arms, kissing her while I walk her backwards towards the bed, and then I gently guide her down on to it and join her, nuzzling her neck and her hair.

“Do you have any idea how exquisite your scent is, Ana? It’s irresistible.”

I’ll never get enough of her natural scent, and it urges me on as I kiss her throat, then work my way down her silky skin to her breasts.

“You are so beautiful,” I murmur, as I take her nipple in my mouth and suck hard. I’m rewarded by her body bowing off the bed, as she moans with pleasure.

“Let me hear you, baby.”

I want to hear how much she loves what I do to her, when I worship her body this way. I continue to suckle at both of her magnificent breasts, as I slowly trail my hands down her body, caressing and teasing her.

But I desperately need to be inside her, so I take hold of her knee to hitch her leg up, curling it over my hip, taking her by surprise as she gasps. 

I roll us both over so she is astride me, and hand her the condom packet I had in my jeans pocket, so she can sheath me up. Seven more long days to go before I can finally stop using them. 

Christ, I’ve used so many lately, I probably should have bought shares in Durex. Interesting thought, might be worth investigating…

My mind is jolted back into the moment as Ana suddenly goes down on me. Fuck. Her hot, wet mouth feels so good around my cock, as she tongues my head and then sucks me hard.  I instinctively flex my hips to get deeper, and she takes me all, sucking me in and letting my tip touch the back of her throat, then slowly easing back, her lips tight around me the whole time, as she lovingly swirls her tongue around and licks me, before letting me slowly slide out of her mouth.

Then she sits up, looking up at me through her lashes, as I catch my breath. Fuck, but she is just so good at giving head, and even better, she loves doing it, because I can see it really turns her on. She has that sexy, on-fire look in her eyes.  Her fuck-me-now look.

After she rolls on the condom, I support her hands as she positions herself over me. Then I close my eyes, as I feel her wet lushness slowly enveloping me. It’s an exquisite sensation. Fuck, she feels so snug and tight around me. I grab her hips to hold her in place, so I can thrust even deeper to totally fill her, until we are finally completely melded together as one.  

I am such a lucky, privileged man, because there is no better sensation in the whole world than being buried as deep as possible in my Anastasia.

“Oh, baby,” I whisper, as I sit up so we are nose to nose. In this position, I ease into her just a fraction deeper still, making her gasp at my total possession of her. She holds onto my upper arms, as I gaze into her bewitching eyes.

“Oh, Ana. What you make me feel,” I murmur as I kiss her, a deep passionate kiss to try and convey my feelings to her.

No two people could be any closer than we are at this moment in time. I swear even our breathing and our heartbeats are in unison.

“Oh, I love you,” she whispers to me.

I groan because I can’t believe it’s possible, but somehow it seems as if her pure, loving heart is bringing my savage one back to life, that she is somehow breathing new life into me, bringing me back from the dark side.

From somewhere deep in my memory, a quote comes to mind.

‘You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed’.

I hope that’s true, because she has sure as hell tamed me. I think it’s from ‘The little Prince’. No doubt Ana, the English Lit specialist, would know.

The love I feel for her is overwhelming me and taking over my whole life, and it scares me almost as much as it thrills me. Can I really do this? Can this really be happening to me? Am I losing control?

Well, I can control things right now. I want to finish this fuck with me on top, so I roll us both over, while keeping my cock deep inside her. Now she’s pinned beneath me, I feel more in control. Perhaps she senses my disquiet, as she wraps her legs around my waist, imprisoning me, and binding me to her. Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere, baby.

I stare into her beautiful, wonderful face, full of awe that a pure, innocent creature like her, is prepared to take on a badly fucked up mess of a man like me. It makes me determined to show her how much I love her, how I want to always look after her, and give her only happiness and pleasure.

Now that I'm on top and back in control, I slowly start moving and thrusting, sliding slowly out and then in again, feeling every last little ripple of her tight muscles gripping me, bestowing their ultimate loving caress on me.

The slow pace is very erotic, cradled as we are by the sway and rock of the sea, and the sound of the waves gently lapping against the boat to mimic our rhythm.

Ana’s hands gently caress me, but I relax as I know she respects the boundaries I’ve shown her. She understands how to touch me now, more than anyone else ever has. Even Elena.

I gently nip and kiss her mouth and nuzzle into her wonderfully soft neck and ears, as I carry on slowly stroking into her. Then Ana impatiently reaches down to grip my ass, encouraging me to grind into her deeper and harder, groaning and moaning with each delicious thrust I deliver. I can feel her starting to quiver and tense as her orgasm approaches, so I let it flow between us, let what is approaching wash over us in a natural tide of pleasure.

“That’s right, baby… give it up for me… Please…. Ana.”

We fly over the edge together, both shattering and exploding in unison. 

Together. 

In this, as in everything else. 

Always. 

Forever.

~~~

I leave Ana to freshen up, while I head up on deck with my cell, because I have a message to call Taylor for an update.

“Good news, sir. We've had a breakthrough.”

“Thank Christ for that. About fucking time. Well?”

“We know how the intruder gained access, and it wasn’t via either of the elevators. So this means there was no security breach of any of the security codes, which was what had me so puzzled and worried.”

“I see. So how…?” 

“We closely studied CCTV security footage from all public areas of Escala, and we finally caught a glimpse of the perp accessing the fire escape stairwell. She’s very clever – we nearly missed it. She must know where all the security cameras are to have avoided most of them so well.”

“The fire escape stairs? How the fuck is that even possible? I thought that was kept locked. Breaking the glass to get the key would surely set off all the fire alarms?”

“We’re guessing she must have somehow procured a master key, such as the one held by the fire department. We haven’t gotten to the bottom of that yet, but in the meantime, the stairwell locks have all been changed.”

“But we’re on the thirtieth floor. That means…”

“Yes, sir. She must have climbed all thirty flights of stairs.  Must be pretty damned fit.”

“Any idea where she was concealing herself while she was actually in the apartment?”

“Again, still working on it, sir. However, there are some scuff marks on the edge of the top shelf of your walk in closet that suggest she may have climbed up and concealed herself there, behind some boxes. Intel gives her weight at around 110lbs, height only five foot two. I figure she’s small enough to have squeezed up there, especially as she may have lost weight recently. I definitely think it’s a possibility.”

“Jesus Christ!  You mean she could have been in there all along? I want all the internal locks changed too, in case she’s got copies of them as well. Then if she ever…”

“Already done, sir. I think she probably did have at least some of the keys. If she was locking doors behind her as she went, it would explain how she left your bedroom via the balcony and then just seemed to vanish into thin air.”

“Taylor, I don’t want Miss Steele worried by any of these details. I’ll just tell her the good news about the fire escape stairwell. I think that should be enough to put her mind at rest, and reassure her that this whole incident has been sorted.”

“Very good, Mr. Grey. So, will you be coming back to Escala tonight?”

“Yes, we’ll come straight back, so can you collect our things from The Fairmont?”

I notice out of the corner of my eye that Ana is making her way up on deck to join me.  Like I told Taylor, I don’t want her worried unnecessarily, so I wind up my conversation with him.

“Great news… good. Yeah… Really? The fire escape stairwell?... I see…Yes, tonight."

Hopefully, Ana will have overheard enough to believe this has all been sorted. I don’t want her worrying herself over how the fuck Leila got hold of the fire escape stairwell key, or the fact that we have no idea how long she might have been lurking in my bedroom and closet area while she was sleeping. 

I’m glad Ana will be sleeping with me from now on. I don’t want her to be on her own, and I'm sure there won’t be an argument from her on this score at least, as I know she likes us sharing a bed too.

“Time to head back,” I tell her as I strap her into her lifejacket. “The apartment is clean. We can go back.”

~~~

Under my guidance, I let Ana steer the boat most of the way back, mainly because I wanted her right beside me, sharing the experience. 

“What about our things at the hotel?” she queries.

“Taylor has collected them already, earlier today.”

“Does that man ever sleep?”

“He sleeps. He’s just doing his job, Anastasia, which he’s very good at. Jason is a real find.”

“Jason?”

“Jason Taylor.”

Ana smiles to herself.

“You’re fond of Taylor,” I state, looking hard at her. I haven’t forgotten about that big hug she gave him when we left yesterday.

“I suppose I am,” she admits, with a soppy smile on her face.

She’s not supposed to be fond of the staff. I don’t like it. All her attention should be focused on me and only me. Ugly, jealous thoughts are surging through my head, and I don’t like how they make me feel.

“I'm not attracted to him, if that’s why you're frowning. Stop,” she says when she sees my pissed expression.

But clearly she’s thought about him, even though he’s quite a lot older than her. And there are lots of instances of women falling for the hired muscle. Think of ‘The Bodyguard’.  I know Ana’s not exactly like the Whitney Houston character, but still. I’m not happy about it.

“I think Taylor looks after you very well. That’s why I like him. He seems kind, reliable and loyal. He has an avuncular appeal to me,” she elaborates.

“Avuncular?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, avuncular.”

So she’s trying to tell me she thinks of him as a kindly uncle type of figure. Hmm, I'm still not sure. He’s an attractive macho guy, not some wrinkly old uncle.

“Oh, Christian, grow up, for heaven’s sake.” Ana tries to laugh it off.

I'm not used to being spoken to like this. Grow up? She thinks I’m acting like an immature, jealous teenager? Hell, I probably am, but I just can't help it. 

But Ana thinks I'm being unreasonable, so I try and think coolly and logically. She’s told me she loves me. She’s been sweet and kind and wonderful, especially about my boundaries. She likes Taylor, because she thinks he looks after me well.  She’s right I suppose; I have to get a grip, get these irrational feelings under control.

“I’m trying.” Can't promise much success though.

“That you are. Very.” She rolls her eyes at me.

“What memories you evoke when you roll your eyes at me, Anastasia.”

“Well, if you behave yourself, maybe we can relive some of those memories.”

More mixed signals? She wants to earn another punishment from me? How am I supposed to keep up here?

“Behave myself? Really, Miss Steele – what makes you think I want to relive them?”

“Probably the way your eyes lit up like Christmas when I said that.” Ah, she noticed, Grey.

“You know me so well already.” A leopard can't change his spots overnight, can he?

“I’d like to know you better.”

“And I you, Anastasia.

~~~

It’s early evening once we've docked. We stop to have a meal at Bee’s, before we head back to the apartment; it’s right by where I left the car.

As we wait for our food to arrive, Ana tells me she thinks it’s odd I don’t have many male friends my own age. I can't see why she should find that surprising, given everything she knows about me now. I had so many issues when I was at college, and there was only Elena who understood, and could help me let off steam to deal with them. 

I count my brother Elliot as my friend too, but only to a point. He can never know the real me, the one that only Elena knows, so I have to keep him at a distance, just like the rest of my family. It's for the best, to protect them.  

I can see something else is still worrying Ana, and when I press her to tell me, she drops a bombshell.

“I’m just worried that this isn’t enough for you. You know, to let off steam.”

Why is Ana still so worried about this? Did Elena say something to her at the masked ball that I don’t know about, that has her worried? I strongly suspect that’s why Elena is so keen to talk to Ana, because I know she is still convinced I can't manage without the heavy shit.

“Have I given you any indication that this isn’t enough?”

“No.”

“Then why do you think that?”

“I know what you’re like. What you… um… need,” she whispers.

“What do I have to do?” I ask her despairingly.

I'm really trying my best not to perpetuate the cycle of abuse that Flynn opened up my eyes to. I'm trying not to drag Ana down to my level.

But have I been giving her the wrong impression?  Does she think I'm somehow frustrated, or dissatisfied with the sex between us? Because I thought we were doing pretty good, that the vanilla was going great between us. But she seems to think I'm still hankering after the hard core shit.

“No, you misunderstand – you have been amazing, and I know it’s just been a few days, but I hope I'm not forcing you to be someone you're not,” Ana tries to explain.

Well yes, I am trying to be someone I’m not. I'm trying to be a better man.

“I’m still me, Anastasia – in all my fifty shades of fuckupness. Yes, I have to fight the urge to be controlling… but that’s my nature, how I’ve dealt with my life. Yes, I expect you to behave a certain way, and when you don’t it’s both challenging and refreshing. We still do what I like to do. You let me spank you after your outrageous bid yesterday. I enjoy punishing you. I don’t think the urge will ever go… but I'm trying and it’s not as hard as I thought it would be.”

I never expected to enjoy vanilla the way I do. I’d always assumed I’d find it boring and unfulfilling. That’s what I’d always believed, I guess because that’s what Elena always told me, and it seemed to make perfect sense. I’m not normal, so logically, normal sex wouldn’t cut it for me.

But with Anastasia, I don’t find vanilla boring in the least. It’s been fucking amazing, beyond anything I could have imagined. Making love, rather than fucking hard, is sweet and satisfying and soothing and wonderful. 

Confronting my sadistic needs in order to keep Anastasia in my life, has forced me to think up less violent outlets for sexual pleasure. 

Luckily, I have a great imagination. Now, I’ve discovered that licking and sucking ice cream off her breasts, rather than caning them as I would have done in the past, is highly erotic and intensely pleasurable for both of us.  So it really isn’t as hard to deal with as I expected.

I don’t deny I still enjoy a good hard fast fuck sometimes too, that will never change, especially as Ana enjoys that sometimes as well. I think it will be a good thing to continue to push her limits and boundaries, to stimulate and challenge her.

But hard fucking certainly isn’t the only way for me to achieve satisfaction, I realize now. There’s a whole new world of different and stimulating experiences that Anastasia and I can share, according to our needs and moods, that don’t involve sadism. 

I’ve found it liberating not to have to be confined to my playroom fuck pad. So I'm hopeful. Especially as Ana confirms that she didn’t mind her punishment spanking yesterday, so that proves that we are both learning to compromise and adapt.

“Let me tell you, Anastasia, this is all new to me, and these last few days have been the best in my life. I don’t want to change anything.”

“They’ve been the best in my life too, without exception,” Ana whispers, as she smiles shyly at me.

I’m so relieved and happy she’s said that. We are on the same page after all.

“So you don’t want to take me into your playroom?” she asks.

“No, I don’t,” I state with strong conviction.

My playroom. Where it all fell apart, because I couldn’t control myself. It makes me feel physically sick remembering what happened after the last time we went in there. My whole world fell apart. I can't go back to that purgatory, ever.

So I can't face taking Anastasia back in my playroom just yet, and I don’t know when I will. Turns out, just like the crack whore, I too have an addiction. I’m a sadist; I'm addicted to sadism, and although I'm determined to wean myself off, it’s going to take a while. 

So I can't risk taking Ana back into my playroom. Not yet. Not until I'm sure my addiction is completely under control.

“Why not?”

Fuck me, she almost looks disappointed. Yep, she’s definitely giving out confused signals, dropping hints about me losing my edge earlier too. I thought that was what she wanted, wasn't it?

“The last time we were in there you left me. I will shy away from anything that could make you leave me again. I was devastated when you left. I explained that. I never want to feel like that again. I’ve told you how I feel about you.”

“But it hardly seems fair. It can't be very relaxing for you – to be constantly concerned about how I feel. You’ve made all these changes for me, and I… I think I should reciprocate in some way. I don’t know – maybe… try… some role playing games.”

Ana is blushing deeply. She seems to feel guilty, she seems to think I'm making some great sacrifice for her and she needs to pay me back.  Just being with her is all the payment I need. 

“Ana, you do reciprocate, more than you know. Please, please don’t feel like this. Baby, it’s only been one weekend. Give us time. I thought about us a great deal last week when you left. We need time. You need to trust me, and I you. Trust you not to run again. Maybe in time we can indulge, but I like how you are now. I like seeing you this happy, this relaxed and carefree, knowing that I had something to do with it. I have never… We have to walk before we can run.” 

I find myself smiling wryly, because I'm actually quoting Flynn's advice to me. Shit, at this rate I'll be talking with a British accent next. 

“What’s so funny?”

“Flynn. He says that all the time. I never thought I’d be quoting him.” Guess he must know what he's talking about.

“A Flynnism.”

“Exactly.”

Finally, as our starters arrive, the thread of conversation is broken, and we move onto other topics. I distract her by asking where she’s traveled to. Nowhere outside continental US, it soon becomes apparent.

Well, Miss Steele, I can show you the world, if you only stick around long enough to let me.

After our meal, we head back to Escala, and as we approach, I feel my mood changing. I wonder where on earth Leila can be, what she might attempt next and how we can track her down to get her some help.  

That’s the trouble with escaping from your problems for a while. 

They only seem worse when you return to face them.

I don’t own any of the Fifty Shades Trilogy or the characters therein. They belong to E L James. I’m just borrowing them for fun and not for profit. Please refer to the Legal’s page for further details. This work is not to be copied or reproduced in any way without permission.