Chapter 44 - In Tune

I am so fucking fed up with defending myself over all this Elena shit with Anastasia. I can't change my past. It is what it is. I get that Ana loathes Elena, but what I don’t get is why she wants to know all about our past together. I would have thought ignorance was bliss in this instance, but that's not how Ana sees it.

“Why the fuck do you want to know about her? We had a very long standing affair, she beat the shit out of me often, and I fucked her in all sorts of ways you can't even imagine, end of story.”

Ana visibly pales at my shocking words.

“Why are you so angry?” she whispers.

“Because all of that shit is OVER!” I shout. Well, it would be if she would only let it go. At this rate, everything is going to be spoiled for no good reason.

But as I see Ana sitting there on the bed, her eyes cast down as she wrings her hands, I feel remorse wash over me. If the roles were reversed, I couldn’t handle it anywhere near as calmly as she is. In fact I couldn’t handle it at all, so I must try and calm down, and find out what she needs from me to make all this go away.

“What do you want to know?” I sigh, resolving to be as open and honest with her as I can.

“You don’t have to tell me. I don’t mean to intrude,” Ana says quietly. Fuck, she’s closing up on me now, and I’ve only myself to blame, because of the way I'm handling this.

“Anastasia, it’s not like that. I don’t like talking about all this shit. I've lived in a bubble for years with nothing affecting me, and not having to justify myself to anyone. She’s always been there as a confidante. And now my past and my future are colliding in a way I never thought possible.”

I’m trying my best to calmly explain how I feel to her. Her big blue eyes are staring up at me, as she tries to take it all in. Compared to her previously inexperienced existence, my life must seem pretty shocking I guess, so I have to make allowances for her.  And at least she cares enough to want to know all about me. It’s just a shame that my history is all so sordid.

“I never thought I had a future with anyone, Anastasia. You give me hope, and have me thinking about all sorts of possibilities.”

Until I met Anastasia, I never imagined it would ever be possible that I would want to spend the rest of my life with just one woman, or that I would be contemplating getting married and setting up a home together. 

In Ana, I've found someone with whom I can share experiences, to actually have fun and enjoy my life. She has brought light into the eternal gloom that was my existence before I met her.

“I was listening,” she confesses in a whisper, as she stares down at her hands.

“What? To our conversation?”

“Yes.”

“Well?” I guess I have to appreciate the fact that she is being honest enough to tell me she was eavesdropping, so how can I be angry with her? And anyway, there really wasn't anything that I wouldn't have said in front of her.

As she continues to question me, it’s obvious that Ana is worried that I still have feelings for Elena, that I love her. How can I convince her that I've never experienced any kind of feelings before that come close to what I feel for her?

“You’re the only person I’d fly three thousand miles to see,” I tell her. “The feelings I have for you are very different from any I ever had for Elena.”

With Elena, it was a relationship that provided a means for sexual relief, in ever more extreme ways, as she pushed me to my limits over and over again. It was harsh, but I welcomed every second of it, as it meant I could let off steam in a relatively safe way without harming anyone. I would undoubtedly have been one very frustrated and volatile young man otherwise. 

But love? That never came into it I realize as I look back now.  I had no conception of the meaning of true love until Anastasia tripped her way into my life.

“So you desired her? When you were younger?”

“Yes. She taught me a great deal. She taught me to believe in myself.” 

Elena saw potential in me and encouraged me to set up my own business. She always had faith that I would succeed.

“But she also beat the shit out of you?”

“Yes, she did.” 

Elena brought me back into line in a way no one else managed to do.

“And you liked that?”

“At the time I did.”

“So much that you wanted to do it to others?”

“Yes.” 

Shit, Ana’s coming to the same conclusion as Flynn, when he spoke to me before about needing to break the cycle of abuse. How come I didn't see this, while Ana has figured it out virtually straight away?

“Did she help you with that?”

“Yes.”

“Did she sub for you?”

“Yes.”

“Do you expect me to like her?”

“No. Though it would make my life a hell of a lot easier. I do understand your reticence.”

“Reticence! Jeez, Christian – if that were your son, how would you feel?”

My son? I have no idea about that, because it’s not something I've ever given the slightest thought to. I'm not exactly father of the year material, am I? So how the fuck do I know what it would feel like if it were my son in that situation?

“I didn't have to stay with her. It was my choice, too, Anastasia.”

“Who’s Linc?”

“Her ex-husband.”

“Lincoln Timber?”

“The very same.”

“And Isaac?”

“Her current submissive. He’s in his mid-twenties, Anastasia. You know – a consenting adult.” 

She pulls a face, but Ana needs to understand that there are many different types of relationships that work for many different types of people. As long as it is all fully consensual, there are no problems that I can see, and even Flynn agrees on this.

“Your age,” she mutters disapprovingly.

I am getting tired of her attitude now. We’re going round in circles, and it’s all about the past, which I can't do anything about, so what’s the point? I decide the best option right now is for me to let her cool off, while I go and catch up on some work. 

I have several deals that are at critical stages, so I can't afford to take my eye off the ball for too long, however much I trust Ros to deal with most matters.  I've never felt comfortable in delegating too much responsibility, preferring to remain hands on. It's an approach that has proved successful up till now, and I'm confident it explains a great deal of my success. 

Before I leave, I remember that Ana's Saab has arrived earlier than expected, and so I tell her about it in the hope that it will maybe improve her mood, as she seemed pretty excited when we ordered it.

“Can I drive it tomorrow?”  she pleads.

Crap. Maybe I shouldn't have told her about it after all, seeing as under current circumstances I can't let her drive it.  

“No.”

“Why not?”

“You know why not. And that reminds me. If you are going to leave your office, let me know. Sawyer was there, watching you. It seems I can't trust you to look after yourself at all.”

“Seems I can't trust you either. You could have told me Sawyer was watching me.” Have to keep you safe, baby.

“Do you want to fight about that too?”

“I wasn't aware we were fighting. I thought we were communicating.”

So here we are again. Despite my best intentions, we’re caught up in yet another of our bad tempered confrontations. Because of the mood she’s in over Elena, I can't seem to win, and at this rate we’re going to end up in a full blown nasty row however I handle the situation, so I think it best I withdraw for now, leave her to cool down and for me to calm myself too.

“I have to work,” I state, then make my way to my study.

But even after an hour or so of immersing myself in work, I find myself still unsettled, with a pressing need to check in with Anastasia, to make sure she’s okay, and try to smooth things over with her.

But I can't find her - she’s not in my bedroom, or her old bedroom either. Shit. Where has she gone? All her things are still here, so I don’t think she’s run out on me. I work my way through the apartment, trying not to panic as I look for Ana. 

Then I have a brain wave. I think I know where my little bookworm will have tucked herself away. 

Sure enough, I'm relieved to find her in the room she calls the library, tucked up fast asleep in one of the big chairs, with Daphne Du Maurier’s 'Rebecca' open on her lap. 

She’s finally wearing one of the silk nightdresses I ordered for her, instead of one of my T shirts. She looks so beautiful as she sleeps, and I find myself just standing gazing at her in awe for a minute or two, before I lift her up to carry her to bed.

“Hey, you fell asleep. I couldn't find you.” I whisper, as she stirs.

She murmurs my name, and then sleepily puts her arms around my neck as I carry her, and I love how soft and warm she feels in my arms. Naturally I can't resist nuzzling her hair, because she smells as divine as ever. My sweet, sweet girl, helping me find my way in this confusing new world of love, that is finally thawing my frozen heart.

“Sleep, baby,” I whisper as I tuck her up in bed, gently kissing her as I do, and she falls asleep again in an instant.

~~~

All this arguing and upset after Elena’s visit this evening has stirred up vivid memories of the past, and I still feel very confused, even after working on for a couple more hours after I've put Ana to bed.

I usually turn to music when I need to soothe my soul, and as I haven’t played my piano for a while, that’s where I head. But I leave the lid down to muffle the sound, so that I don’t disturb Ana while she’s sleeping.

Chopin suits my mood tonight – Nocturne no 1 in B flat minor. My mind wanders as I play, trying to figure out how to balance what has gone before in my life, with what is happening now. 

I've never regretted the affair I had with Elena, but seeing how it looks through Ana’s eyes has me questioning things for the first time.  All I can say is that it felt right at the time, and without question Elena stopped me from descending into the same drink and drugs hell as my crack whore birth mother.

But now I can't help wondering if Elena just set me on a different path to hell. Since Flynn spelt it out to me, I can see that Elena is pretty much fucked up herself, thanks to the abuse she suffered at the hands of her father and then her ex-husband Linc.  

Was it this cycle of abuse that led her to encourage my sadistic inclinations? Was it her expert tutelage that allowed this inclination of mine to develop into a full blown addiction? Could there possibly have been another way to channel my frustrations? Anastasia has shown me there is hope that I can change, in a way Elena always told me was impossible, so could this have happened to me all those years ago, had I been treated differently by her? 

The sad truth is that I will never know, and all I can do now is to grab with both hands this chance for happiness I've been given, and make sure I do everything in my power not to lose Anastasia now that I've found her.

But I don’t really get why we ended up fighting again this evening, not when I was trying so hard to avoid it.  And why do I still feel a strong urge to punish her for arguing with me, even though I know I don’t really want to hurt her? It is all so fucking confusing to me.

Then I look up to see Anastasia standing in the doorway, quietly watching me. She looks elegant and beautiful and sexy in the classy pink silk nightgown and robe, with her hair tumbling down over her shoulders. I can't take my eyes off her as she makes her way over, and I stop playing as she reaches me.

“Why did you stop? That was lovely.”

“Do you have any idea how desirable you look at the moment?

“Come to bed,” she whispers. But I'm already having other thoughts about where I want this to end.

I hold out my hand to pull her onto my lap, then wrap her up in my arms, so that I can nuzzle her neck and ears. I love the luxurious touch of her silky nightgown against my fingers. I've always had a thing for silk, it really turns me on, and I want Ana to be dressed in it whenever possible.

"Why do we fight?” I whisper, as I graze her soft little ear lobe.

“Because we’re getting to know each other, and you're stubborn and cantankerous and moody and difficult,” she murmurs, as she lets her head fall back to allow me to kiss her throat.

“I'm all those things, Miss Steele,” I smile at her painfully accurate assessment, as I run my nose down her neck, and then nip her earlobe, making her moan. 

Now that we are getting physical again, things are right back on track between us, despite our earlier row. The magnetic draw between us is always irresistible and overpowering, no matter how much we argue, but it makes for such a roller coaster of a ride between us.

“Is it always like this?” I sigh, wondering if things will eventually level out.

“I have no idea,” she murmurs.

“Me neither.”  

I guess it’s such a steep learning curve, because this boyfriend/girlfriend situation is new for both of us. But I like that we’re both relationship virgins, because it means we’re having so many special firsts together.

I pull the sash of her robe to open it, because I want to feel her body through the sexy, silky fabric.

“You feel so fine under this material, and I can see everything – even this,” I tease as I tug on her pussy hair, which I'm still finding rather an interesting novelty. 

Then I pull her head back to kiss her deeply and passionately, the type of kiss that can have only one conclusion. I slip my hands under her nightdress, so I can fondle the soft, full cheeks of her sexy ass. She feels beyond wonderful, as my hands wander round to discover the delicate skin of her inner thigh, but I want even more of her delicious body.

I lift her onto the piano, letting her feet rest on the keys, which make a very odd kind of music. I push her knees apart, because I want access to the most intimate recesses of her body. 

I can't punish her defiant attitude with a beating, but I can deliver a punishment by taunting her with intense pleasure - pleasure that will be under my total and utter control. She has only ever been pleasured by me, so her body is my instrument, and I am going to play her.  

“Lie back,” I command.

I push her legs wider open still, as her feet jangle on the piano keys. I kiss my way up the tantalizingly soft skin of her thighs, pushing up the satin nightgown as I go, until I reach my goal.

She moans loudly as my tongue makes contact with her clitoris. I slowly circle her most sensitive spot.  I hold her legs apart, so she’s exactly where I want her, and it feels so fucking good to be in total control and have her completely exposed to me like this. I expertly lick and kiss and suck to bring her to the brink of orgasm, as she can't help rhythmically tilting her hips to match my actions.

“Oh, Christian, please,” she moans. Yes, baby, I know what you want, but you have to learn that I am going to control you in every way. Just accept that I will always know what is best for you.

“Oh no, baby not yet,” I tease, stopping because I feel her quicken. I'm not letting her come just yet. I'm enjoying being back in control in at least one area of my life for a while.

“No,” she whimpers in frustration.

“This is my revenge, Ana,” I growl. “Argue with me, and I am going to take it out on your body somehow.”

I start again, kissing her belly with soft wet kisses, as I use both of my thumbs to bring her back to the very edge again, one thumb successfully searching inside to find her G spot, the other working on her already highly sensitized clitoris.

“Christian,” she screams, as she writhes and struggles under my touch, and I know I've pushed her far enough.

 So I stop and slide her further up the piano. Then I grab a condom from my pocket, slip my sweat pants off to sheath up, before I climb up to hover between her legs, as I look down at her.  

She looks so fucking erotic, lying there hot and aroused and desperate for me to take her. What she does to me, this wonderful woman.

“I want you so badly,” I groan as I slowly enter her, loving every second of how she feels, how she makes me feel, as we make love together on top of my grand piano. 

Another first for both of us.

I've gotten Ana so worked up, that as I rhythmically thrust into her, in hardly any time at all she’s exploding into a very intense orgasm. The magical feel of her walls clenching and pulsing around my cock ensure that I quickly follow her, as I fall over the edge to a powerful release deep within her.

~~~

Ana sprawls on top of me as we lie together afterwards, still on top of my piano. I have to admit it wasn't the most comfortable place to fuck, but it was still a great experience, and I'm going to recall it every time I sit at my piano from now on. That thought puts a smile on my face.

“Do you drink tea or coffee in the evening?” Ana inquires sleepily.

“What a strange question.”

“I thought I could bring you tea in your study, and then I realized I didn't know what you would like,” she clarifies.

“Oh, I see. Water or wine in the evening, Ana. Though maybe I should try tea.” Ana likes tea, so there must be something good about it.

“We really know very little about each other,” she murmurs.

“I know.” And it’s just as well that there are some things you don’t know about me, baby.

 “What is it?

I shake my head to get rid of the nightmare thought of Ana running if she knew everything there was to know about me. I can't let that happen. Instead, I must concentrate on showing her how important she is to me now. I have to let her know how I feel.

“I love you, Ana Steele.”

It’s getting easier for me each time I say these words out loud to Ana, because I can see how happy they make her. 

And I’ll do anything to make my girl happy, because if she’s happy, I'm happy.

I don’t own any of the Fifty Shades Trilogy or the characters therein. They belong to E L James. I’m just borrowing them for fun and not for profit. Please refer to the Legal’s page for further details. This work is not to be copied or reproduced in any way without permission.