12 August 2012

Chapter 29 Purgatory Part 3 - Gleam of Dawn


‘The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, shining ever brighter till the full light of day.’

After my difficult start in life, I’ve always been driven to succeed, to be in total control of every aspect of my life, to push myself to the limit. I aim to always excel at whatever I do, to be the best, to always achieve the very high goals that I set myself. Music, playing the piano is no different.

I can’t get back to sleep after my nightmare. I never can. So, as usual, I play my piano. I need something technically challenging, something that I have to really concentrate on, to get my head straight again, and attempt to restore my equilibrium after my shocking moment of self-revelation, when I realized that I have become the sadistic bully of my nightmares.

I select ‘Gaspard de la Nuit’, by Maurice Ravel. The Scarbo movement is considered to be one of the most difficult solo piano pieces ever written, reflecting the nightmarish mood of the poem it’s based on. It suits my tormented mood perfectly. 



But still I can’t escape from my thoughts. 

In my business life, in order to become as successful as I have, I’ve learnt many manipulative and coercive techniques in order to push a deal through and get what I want. In my private life, under Elena’s expert tutelage, I’ve become a master in every possible technique to give a woman immense sexual pleasure. I’ve gone on to become a Dominant, and developed the necessary techniques and skills required to satisfy my appetite for sexual sadism.

I’ve employed all of these skills on Anastasia. An innocent and naïve young virgin, she never stood a chance against me. I’ve abused the physical attraction, the sexual magnetism between us in order to use her for my own depraved pleasure, telling myself that she was a fully consenting adult, just like the fifteen previous subs I've had. 

But the difference was that they all knew exactly what they were agreeing to. They had all actively sought out a Dominant, because they actually craved the pain they gained under my control. They freely gave themselves over to me to become an instrument of my will, wanting only to please me. They masochistically needed me, just as much as I sadistically needed them. I never inquired why they had this need, any more than I ever disclosed why I enjoyed punishing them. 

In comparison to these women, Anastasia had no experience whatsoever to draw on, as I knew only too well, so how could she properly consent to something she had no real conception of? I drew her in, seduced her, used every trick in the book on her, until she even believed herself to be in love with me. And deep down, I knew it was wrong, but I selfishly carried on anyway.  

Worse still, I got arrogant and complacent. Having been used to my needs being so efficiently taken care of by the previous fifteen, I neglectfully didn’t take into account how inexperienced a sub Anastasia was the first time I spanked her. I overlooked the fact that whatever she said to me about being okay, of course she needed my support to help her through the inevitable confusion she experienced at the conflict of erotic pain and pleasure spiking through her body at the same time. It was a totally new and bewildering experience for her, and in hindsight it was obvious that I should not have left her alone that night - but I did. Yet she still came back for more from me, and I only too willingly let her. Shame on you, Grey.

And worst of all, I selfishly got totally carried away when I punished her with the belt. I was lost in the moment of my ecstatic  pleasure as I hit her, not checking that she didn't need to safe-word  because I was too busy enjoying myself. Unforgivable.

Just as the crack whore’s pimp beat me with a leather belt, so I in turn beat Anastasia with a leather belt purely for my own pleasure, not hers. I hurt her in just the same way as he hurt me, because I am sick and perverted. I tried to mold her to suit my sadistic tastes, and in doing so I broke her and broke our budding relationship.

So can it be rebuilt? Could I persuade her to let us start again, to give me another chance? The question is, can I be cured of my sickness? Do I even want to be cured? This is who I am, what I need, what I enjoy. Isn’t it? Could I deal with trying to rein in my sadistic need to punish? Could I give up the thrill and the euphoric high I get watching her take the pain for me? 

If the answer is no, then can I deal with life without Anastasia? And would she even consider giving me a second chance anyway? If she has any sense, she won’t, Grey. She’s best rid of a sicko like you.

I finish playing the difficult piece of music, not any clearer in my head about how to balance everything out. Elena has guided and advised me for so long. She knows me so well, so surely she can't be wrong in her assessment that I have to have my needs met, that vanilla just won’t cut it for a man like me. She must be right, mustn’t she? Or is she just as fucked up as I am? That’s what Flynn was basically saying about her, wasn’t it?

Flynn made a sensible and logical case, paving the way for all sorts of future possibilities with Anastasia, that would be for her benefit as well as mine. I could give her so much. I could show her the world. I could take care of her. If I can change. 

But that is one mighty big ‘If’.

Unable to settle to anything else, I quickly get changed and head down to the gym, ignoring Taylor who steps in behind me and follows me down. At this early hour of the morning, the gym is deserted, so it’s just the two of us. 


He’s acting like my fucking shadow and it’s doing my head in. Normally there is a quiet, relaxed atmosphere between us, but things feel tense and awkward today and that pisses me off. As we both lift weights, I speak to him to address the issue.

“I appreciate that you and Mrs. Jones are under some sort of misapprehension about the events of yesterday with regard to my safety, Taylor, but there really is no need for either of you to be concerned. I just have a lot on my mind at the moment, that’s all. And in future, you will not manhandle me, and you will only address me as Mr. Grey, or sir. Is that clear?” 

I’m reminding him of the boundaries I set when I first employed him. Just because I was only twenty three, I didn’t want him to think I didn’t expect to be treated with the full respect due to me as his employer. Back off, Taylor. Don't start getting too familiar. Giving me personal advice, for Christ's sake.

“Of course, Mr. Grey. I'm sorry if you regarded my actions as unnecessary, but my first duty is always to ensure your personal safety. My professional assessment of the situation that presented yesterday morning was that I should act first and ask questions later, given the circumstances and the volatile nature of your earlier behavior. Is my understanding that Dr. Flynn will be returning again this morning correct, sir?” 

His sharp brown eyes coolly meet mine, leaving me in no doubt that I’m not going to intimidate him. Taylor doesn't take shit from anyone, including me it seems, when it comes to carrying out his duties. Clearly, he’s taking his responsibilities too fucking seriously and he’s not going to back off yet. Yeah, okay, I get the message, Flynn’s worried too. You’ve made your less than subtle point, Taylor, but don't think you’re calling the shots here.

I just throw him a look, abruptly replace the weights and walk out of the gym.

~~~

I check the surveillance reports – Anastasia still hasn’t left her apartment. I check her cell – just another text from Kate asking why she hasn’t answered her last one. By the time I’ve showered and then had breakfast courtesy of Gail, who still insists on preparing it for me despite it being the weekend, John Flynn makes his appearance.

“Thought I’d come round earlier rather than later, knowing you’re not one to sleep in of a morning,” he breezily states, as he calmly wanders into the kitchen after being shown in by Taylor, who, along with Gail, quickly makes himself scarce, discretion being the better part of valor. No doubt he’s heaving a sigh of relief that someone else is minding the boss for a while.

“Can’t keep away, can you? I'll bet it's because you just can’t wait to get that guided tour of my playroom, isn't that right John?”

“That must be it, Christian,” he agrees with a wry smile, as he studies my face. He no doubt takes in the fact that I haven't bothered to shave for several days now, and I imagine the lack of sleep is also apparent on my face. There’s no hiding the fact that I look and feel like shit.

I offer him a cup of coffee.

“I’d prefer tea please, if you’ve got it.” Of course, the guy’s a Brit.
I open the cupboard, and sitting there right in front of me is the box of Twining’s English Breakfast tea bags. 

Anastasia’s favorite.

 I instructed Gail to lay in a supply, especially for her. I'm frozen to the spot. Literally. Just that one small reminder is enough to undo all the distracting measures I've taken since I woke in the night, alone in her empty bed after my nightmare, so painfully reminded that she’s gone. 

Now I’m reminded all over again that Anastasia has left me, and the excruciating pain is like a knife right through my heart. It’s fucking agony. I didn't know you could hurt this much and still be alive. It’s far worse than any physical beating I’ve ever taken. How the fuck do I make this stop?



Tea bag out. Weak and black, that’s how she takes her tea. Just a couple of quick dunks of the tea bag.

She doesn’t drink coffee.

She doesn’t know much about wine or champagne, but enjoyed whatever I selected for her to try, so I think she probably has a good palate, which I could easily help her to develop. I like that she’s up front and honest and openly admits that she doesn’t know about these things. I hate people who bullshit and make out they’re experts when they know shit all. I would like to guide her and show her all the finer things in life.

She liked the oysters I introduced her to, another first for her. She happily tried them, even though they are an acquired taste. I like that about her, that she is open minded enough to try a new culinary experience if I suggest it to her. There are so many other wonderful foods I know she would enjoy trying. I would enjoy educating her about these too.

She noticed my collection of Trouton paintings on her very first visit to my office; her comment about them ‘raising the ordinary to extraordinary’ shows she has a good eye for art, I think. That description could be applied to her. She’s extraordinary. She would enjoy visiting art galleries. I could take her to the very best exhibitions. I’d really enjoy that. I’d enjoy hearing her opinion about all the different types of art I like to collect, oil paintings, water colors, sculptures, all sorts. She has such a witty, lively mind. I like that about her too.

It was great to take her soaring, and I was going to take her sailing next. I really like that about Ana, that she’s brave and adventurous, willing to try out new experiences, even though she looks like such a delicate little girl next to me. I like that about her too, and I like the feel of her small hand in mine. She makes me want to protect her and look after her. I’d really like to look after her properly.  

There are so many experiences we could have enjoyed sharing together. That would have been fun, fun for both of us. Now it’ll seem boring doing these things by myself. Everything is going to be so fucking boring without her. 

And none of these things have anything to do with sex, I realize.

Whatever I do to try and avoid the issue, I miss Anastasia desperately and I want her back. That is the simple, painful, honest truth. That’s why it hurts so much. You never know what you’ve got till it’s gone. With all my previous submissives, it was just about sex, but with Anastasia it is so much more than fucking, great though that was. 

I can always get a decent, no strings attached fuck of any type I choose, any time I want, no problem. All I have to do is contract a new sub. It would be so straightforward, none of this complicated, messy, emotional crap. Elena would even help me select one. So simple and easy. But it’s no longer what I want and holds no appeal for me whatsoever.

Anastasia. My girlfriend. 

That’s what I really, desperately want. I want my girlfriend back. Nothing else will do. Only her. I’m just an empty shell without her. I can see my life stretching ahead of me in an eternal chasm made up of perpetual night.

“Christian?”

I’m brought back to the present moment. I'm just standing there staring into the cupboard like a complete fucking retard.

“Never mind, coffee will be just fine,” Flynn quietly says, as he pours himself a cup. “So, how did you sleep last night?”

“How do you think?” I snap back, as I slam the cupboard door shut, and turn to face him. Pull yourself together, Grey, and stop mooning over her. She’s gone. You blew it.

“Your parasomnia still an issue?”

“I don't pay you to state the obvious. Of course it’s still a fucking issue. It’s just a good job I can function on a minimal amount of sleep.”

“And your nightmare – still the same one?”

“Yes, except that this time I realized... ” I can hardly bring myself to admit the significance of what I worked out. I feel sick to my stomach at what I'm about to confess.

“What? What happened that was different this time?”

“Nothing different, except that… the belt. The leather belt that the crack whore’s pimp always beat me with. I realized I have one just like it. And it’s the one I instinctively picked to punish Anastasia with. Out of everything in my playroom, that’s what I chose to hit her with. I automatically reached for that particular leather belt because it’s a favorite of mine. I’ve become him. I’m just as much a sick perverted bastard as he was, enjoying beating the shit out of her, just like he enjoyed beating me.”

“I see. And you find that idea repugnant?”

“Of course I do!”

“And yet no doubt you have used this belt many times before, along with all the other implements you have, on all your previous submissives?”

“Well, yes, of course, but it’s different with Anastasia.”

“Why? Why is it different with her?”

“Because… she’s different.”

“No, Christian, I would argue it’s because you see her differently, because of your feelings for her. I’m sure all your previous submissives were also intelligent, attractive young women, but because they were all compliant and had willingly signed a contract agreeing to your terms and conditions, you simply saw them as objects to be used for your sexual gratification. And because it was fully consensual, you felt no guilt or remorse in using them this way."

“So what are you saying about Anastasia?”

“I’m trying to get you to acknowledge that what you are feeling, that is your love for her, is already changing your perceptions. Because Anastasia doesn't find this type of extreme behavior acceptable, that affects you greatly. The process of change in you has already begun, whether you realize it or not. Can you really go back to how you were before? Would you be happy continuing in exactly the same way, having glimpsed the possibilities of another lifestyle? I think not. So why not embrace this change, the realization that you don't want to be this man who used a belt to inflict pain on a reluctant woman, one who subsequently found the whole experience to be profoundly upsetting? Seize this opportunity to work at finding a way forward with Anastasia, as clearly this is what you really want.”

“Of course it is, but…. how the fuck do I do it? I'm not even sure I can do it,” I whisper. Is there even a tiny glimmer of hope for me?

“Christian, if you decide to finally face up to your demons and make some changes, I will be there to support you every step of the way, to help you work towards your goals. I think initially, you will probably feel more comfortable about this process if we take a dialectical approach, a logical discussion of ideas and opinions. Maybe think of trying to work things out with Anastasia in practical terms, as a different type of contract to be negotiated. This really is a golden opportunity for you to finally move forward, if you can only be brave enough, and I urge you most strongly not to turn your back on it. In all the time you’ve been consulting me, you’ve just prevaricated and frustratingly never committed to make any kind of a real effort to deal with your issues. This really could be the best thing to have happened to you, the jolt that you needed to shake you out of your complacency and insistence that you can't change. Now, I'd like you to show me your playroom, if you would please.”


~~~


I unlock the door, and let Flynn walk in ahead of me.  

My playroom. Meticulously planned and laid out, no detail overlooked. When whipping, caning or giving any type of a beating, it takes a lot of skill and experience to expertly judge the correct placement and force of each strike, and the angle of the arm also has to be factored in. This makes the positioning of each piece of equipment, such as the whipping bench, very important. It needs to be positioned away from the wall, to allow a full arm swing if required for a heavier blow, rather than the flick of the wrist that’s used for a lighter touch.

Every piece of equipment in here is of the highest quality. I have every possible implement or toy that I could ever want to use. My own controlled, personal haven, where every hedonistic way of fucking is catered for. I fucking love it in here. 

Or at least I always have, until now.

Flynn wanders in and slowly looks around, not saying anything. 


Much the same reaction as Anastasia, the first time she walked in. I think it’s shock maybe. This is the first time I’ve been back in here since Anastasia left me, and it’s bringing back some very painful memories. It’s unsettling, which is not how I usually feel when I come in here. Normally, my playroom calms and reassures me because here, I am always totally in control. 

I stare at the whipping bench, remembering how Anastasia obediently lay supine over it for me. She looked so fucking amazing with that pretty ass of hers just waiting there for me to give her the punishment she so richly deserved. But that is no excuse, I should not have let myself zone out the way I did, to lose myself in the moment and not think of her needs as well as my own. It was unforgivable. Too true, Grey. Pity you didn’t think about that at the time. Now she won’t be able to forgive you, and you don't deserve her to. And she doesn't even know the worst about you yet, either. Just let her go.

“Interesting choice of color for the walls,” Flynn murmurs. 
“Almost a cocoon. Womb like. Very interesting indeed.”

He wanders over to the rack that holds my canes – one of every possible length and thickness. He tentatively touches them, then moves on to the mahogany chest of drawers. 

He looks over at me for permission to open a drawer, and I nod my consent. He looks in the various drawers in turn, giving the assorted toys -  butt plugs, anal beads, nipple clamps and pegs, vibrators - a quick perusal before gently closing each of them again. 

He doesn't ask for explanations of any of the toys, whether because he already knows, or whether because he would rather not know, I’m not sure. At this point I don't think it’s particularly relevant.

He glances up at the iron grid suspended from the ceiling, and then at the carabiners scattered across the ceiling. He looks over at the antique rococo four poster bed, with the chains and cuffs hanging from under the canopy. I love this bed. It’s a truly beautiful and stunning piece. It took me a long time to track it down, as genuine antique ones of that size and quality are really hard to come by. It might be a bed, but it’s not in any way cozy, as its purpose in here has never been for sleep. Fucking a spread eagled, shackled sub is what it’s for, like the truly amazing fuck I shared with Anastasia to Thomas Tallis on it. Christ, when she had her really intense orgasm that time, she looked so fucking beautiful. It was truly an awesome experience we shared. Never going to experience that with her again though are you?

“This room is hardly what most people would term a play room, Christian. My first impression is that it’s very intimidating, frightening even, and the fact that Anastasia didn’t immediately turn tail and run, says a lot about her strength of character. She is one brave young lady.” He’s looking at the whips that I have in the rack as he speaks, along with all the various paddles, floggers and riding crops.

But now my eyes are inexorably drawn over to the belt. That belt. The one that out of habit, I carefully replaced in its rightful place by the door, even in the state of shock I was in after Anastasia walked out on me. It’s a high quality, tan leather belt with a large buckle, exactly like the one in my nightmare. 

How had I not realized this before? Because you never stopped to think about it or analyze it before did you, Grey? But I’m sure no one ever minded it before, so I've never given it much consideration. No, because all your previous subs fucking loved a good hard strapping by a highly skilled, expert Dom like you, didn't they? Especially when you made them count and say ‘Thank you, Sir’, each time you hit them, each stroke leaving a lovely, large red welt as proof of your handiwork. Usually a nice round, even twenty times, wasn’t it? Anastasia’s minimal six strokes really were a gentle introduction for her, weren’t they? So, in your terms, you were being considerate of her. But that’s not how she saw things, and that’s what counts.

“After I’d hit her and she reacted so badly, she told me I needed to sort my sick shit out,” I whisper to John as I recall her words. “She was crying and really upset, and she asked if I got off on seeing her like that.”

“And do you?”

“No, not really, that’s not it. I get off on seeing her take the pain for me, and I really thought she was okay with it, that taking my punishment wasn’t as bad as she thought it would be. I was wrong, but I just don't get why she didn’t safe word on me. Because then I would have stopped instantly, no question.”

“Maybe she was trying to be brave, to do this for you. You said Anastasia told you she loved you. Maybe she saw this as a way to try and prove her love for you.”

“Don’t bring love into this. It has no place here,” I tell him angrily.

“I agree, it is a hard concept in a room like this. For a man such as yourself, with a very strong need to control, this room is the ultimate in controlled ‘fucking’, to use your terminology. But as you have begun to discover for yourself, the act of sexual intercourse is far more pleasurable and satisfying when you actually care about the person you’re involved with. Making love instead of fucking is far more gratifying, whatever form that lovemaking may take."

I think back to all the different types of sex, including the vanilla, which I’ve enjoyed with Anastasia, and I know he’s right. There was always such an amazing bond and connection between us, however we fucked. We were so right together, we fitted, and we matched each other perfectly. She’s the one. She’s meant for you. She’s your mate. Your soul mate. Only you have ever taken her, and that’s how it should always be. No other man should ever experience being buried deep inside her. You have to claim her back. Make her yours again

Sex has never felt like that for me with anyone else before. It was on a different level to any other experience I’ve had– and I've had one hell of a lot. Anastasia has bewitched me, she’s cast some sort of a spell. Flynn calls it love, you jerk. What do you reckon?

“But I am what I am, John. And the thing is, some of the kink we’ve done, Anastasia’s really enjoyed, I know she has.” 

The silver balls, the erotic spanking, the riding crop, the flogger, being blindfolded – I’m certain she found these experiences to be extremely pleasurable and erotic. I really like that she’s been open minded about trusting me to do these things with her. Just a shame you exploited that trust and took things too far then, wasn’t it Grey?

“So maybe there’s a middle path. That’s what you will have to see if you can work out with Anastasia. That is your starting point, maybe, if you can get her to talk to you again.” Could we work something out? Is it possible?  

“I don't know. I mean, she’s just starting out on her first job tomorrow. Maybe I should just let her have a clean break, make a fresh start, forget about me,” I protest, although the words are hollow because I know I just can’t do that.

Flynn knows that too because he just looks at me with raised eyebrows and a sardonic smile.  

“Look, I suggest you let her settle in for her first day in her new job. Then maybe she’ll make contact with you. Didn’t you say she left her laptop behind, so she can’t email you? Maybe she’ll contact you from work; maybe she is having second thoughts?”

“No, I don’t think that’s the case. You didn’t see her face when she left. She’d made up her mind, she was adamant she wanted to cut all ties with me. I’m going to have to work very hard to convince her to even pass the time of day with me.” 

Although Taylor did say she was very upset when he took her back to her apartment, and he seemed to think I might still have a chance with her. What the fuck am I thinking here? Shit, since when do I take personal advice from my security detail?

“The first step is simply to try to open the channels of communication, Christian. Don't apply any pressure, just maybe ask how her first day at work went, that kind of thing. Take this right back to the beginning, to the basics. Boy meets girl. Boy asks girl on date. Think how it would be if you had just met, and there was no BDSM element. Try acting as if Anastasia is not a potential submissive, but a potential girlfriend, possibly something even more in the future.  I would suggest this is the most logical approach for moving forward from this impasse right now. ”

“I don't know. I’ll think about it.” I mutter, unconvinced.

~~~

And I do think about it. All day and all night. I think of little else. 


As per Flynn’s suggestion, I try a dialectical approach with myself, to concentrate on practical matters, to be logical, calm and reasonable in weighing up all the factors as to whether or not trying to win Anastasia back would be the right thing to do. 

Forgetting my wishes, would it be the best thing for her? Trying my hardest to put aside all my selfish personal feelings for now, I think about letting her go, to make a fresh start. I think long and hard about what this would mean in reality.

 I know for a fact that she has very little money, so she will struggle to achieve a decent standard of living, especially on the low starting wage SIP are paying her. She barely eats properly now, so once she’s paid her share of the rent and bills for the apartment she shares with Kate, she’ll have very little left for food or clothes. 

I know she really isn’t bothered by material things, and infuriating as that is at times, I also respect her for it. But it doesn't change the fact that I could so easily look after her if she would only let me, to ensure she at least eats well as a bare minimum. For fuck’s sake, I've got more money at my disposal than some countries.

SIP’s pay is way below what I pay my interns at Grey Enterprises, and with none of the additional benefits my staff enjoy. I wish she’d applied to my company, but of course she stubbornly refused to even consider working for me. Except that now she will be, as the takeover is going through, despite meeting with some hostility, thanks to some great work by Ros. Anastasia doesn't understand yet that I will always arrange matters to be in control, so that I can look after her and ensure her well-being, no matter how things turn out between us.

SIP’s pay structure is something I intend to review as soon as I get a chance. Pay peanuts, get monkeys. If you want the best staff, you have to offer decent incentives. At least by owning SIP, I will be able to monitor Anastasia’s progress, although I can't blatantly interfere, not yet anyway. 

But at least I can make sure she isn’t overlooked in her career progression, although I’m pretty certain a young woman with her abilities will do well in any case, so I don't intend to step in just yet. It’ll be fun to see her achieve things all on her own merit, wherever I can allow it.

But already I'm not happy to learn that her new boss is a guy, and he’s not much older than me. There is nothing in any of the intel on this Jack Hyde that has given Welch any great cause for concern, but my gut feeling about him is not good. It seems odd to me that none of his previous assistants have stayed in the job for very long, but there could be many innocent explanations for this, the crap pay being one of them. 

But without question, unless this Hyde fucker is gay, which it seems he isn’t, then he’s going to want into Anastasia’s panties – a beautiful, sexy young woman like her, how could he not? And Anastasia is so naïve, as her boss he’ll be able to play her so easily. 

She needs protecting. She needs me to protect her.

There there’s José fucking Rodriques. He couldn’t take care of her properly, he certainly isn’t right for her. I can't just stand back and let her ruin her life by getting into a relationship with him. She could do so much better. And that isn’t just my huge, mile wide, jealous streak speaking. Well okay it is, but I seriously don't think he offers her the best way forward to a good life. He wouldn’t make her happy.

So could I make her happy? Yes, I really think I could, if I can just shut down the monster within me. And it hits me with absolute blinding certainty that alleviating and avoiding the excruciating pain I've  been experiencing ever since she left me, is all the incentive I could ever need to wean myself off the punishment kicks I’ve always needed up till now. 

To get Anastasia back, I would do anything. 

To avoid feeling like this ever again, I would do anything she asked of me. 

Whatever more of me she wants, she can have. 

We can work this out. We will work this out. There has to be a way forward.

Now I’ve figured all this out, at least I have a goal. I know it won't be easy, but at least I have something to work towards, some hope. I am going to be a man on a mission, to convince Anastasia of my sincerity that I can change for her, that I want to change for her. 

I will win her back. Whatever it takes. However long it takes. I will do it.

When I see a call from Elena on my cell, I send it straight to voicemail, because I don't want her interfering and messing with my head again, now that I've figured this much out. I don't need her help with this. 

This is between Anastasia and me. I have to show Ana that I can do this. 

And I will.

Of course, now I have to get on with some work. I have many people depending on me. I can’t shirk my responsibilities any longer, just because I've been having some kind of a personal meltdown. I have to get on with things. It’ll be good for me. It’s Monday tomorrow. I need to get back into my normal routine, keep on top of everything. In control, as always.

The more I reflect and weigh everything up, the more obvious it becomes to me. Anastasia needs me. I have to put aside my selfish sadistic desires to become the man she needs to take care of her and look after her, to give her the kind of life she deserves and that I can so easily give her. 

I can look after her; I would always be truthful, honest and treat her with respect, and I would certainly never cheat on her, if she would only give me the chance to show her.  I have to show her that I can change, and I have to mean it. And I do mean it, with every fiber of my being.

 Winning her back has now become the most important deal I have ever tried to win in my whole life. This is the most important contract I have ever negotiated, and I am not going to give up on her without a fight. I will win her over, no matter what it takes. I have to.

~~~



I’m not a patient man. Normally I'm a pro-active kind of guy. I don't do waiting around for an email or a text. 

So I'm not in the best of moods when Monday morning passes by and I hear nothing from Anastasia, despite her having email access at work. Nothing at all from her. Now I'm worried that she really won’t be interested in hearing from me. 

I can feel despondency creeping in, but Flynn has counseled me to be patient, so I try my best. But every member of my immediate staff has felt the rough edge of my tongue by lunchtime, and I take myself off to the gym for a work out to ease my frustrations and prevent a mass walkout of my staff.

I look at the surveillance pictures of her making her way to work on the bus, because she doesn't have a car of her own any more, having stubbornly refused to take the Audi I gave her. Shit, even my junior staff  have an Audi available to them from the staff car pool, so it makes me fucking furious that she doesn’t, but at least it means she can't go far, I suppose. Every cloud…

 I know she never left her apartment even once over the weekend, meaning that she didn't eat out or buy any grocery supplies. Neither were any takeouts delivered. She looks pale and washed out, with dark circles under her eyes. I’m concerned when the team report she doesn't buy any food at lunchtime, only a latte. I know what she’s like. I'm certain now that she’s not eating properly at all. How long can I let this go on, before I have to do something? I have to strongly resist the urge to head over to see her and insist on seeing her eat something.

Her work emails at SIP are just routine admin shit – nothing of note. And the only calls on her cell are from her mom and Ray, who both leave voice mails, wishing her good luck for her first day at work. 

Clearly she hasn’t been in contact with either of them to tell them we’ve broken up. Is that a good sign? I’ve held back from telling my family, in the hope that we can work something out. There’s also a text from Kate, because she hasn't had a reply from Ana, scolding her because she assumes she's probably let her phone die again. She knows her friend only too well it seems.

Flynn rings me in the afternoon to see how I'm doing. I tell him I'm worried.

“Don’t panic, Christian. Give her time. Maybe arrange for some flowers for her when she gets home after her first day, to show you’ve been thinking about her. Just a friendly, no pressure gesture as an opener.”

Good plan. I decide to organize this important gesture myself, rather than delegating it to Andrea or Olivia, but then spend ages debating about what sort of flowers to send. My inclination is to send her a huge bouquet, but worry that may seem over the top and ostentatious for her more frugal tastes. Red roses perhaps? No, too clichéd and obvious. Finally, I settle on sending her two dozen long-stemmed, white roses. Hopefully she will like them. I try for casual and polite on the accompanying card. This is what I come up with after a ridiculous number of attempts.

Congratulations on your first day at work.
I hope it went well.
And thank you for the glider. That was very thoughtful.
It has pride of place on my desk.
Christian.

I know from the surveillance team that she gets the flowers soon after she gets in from work. But still I hear nothing from her that evening, or all day Tuesday, or Wednesday morning. No response at all. Nothing. This is not going to plan. This is not what I was hoping for. She really wants to cut all ties with me, but then just as I’m thinking it’s hopeless, Wednesday lunch time I see she gets a text from the photographer boy. She still hasn’t remembered that her old cell’s on divert to her new one.

He wants to know if she’s coming to the opening of his exhibition at the gallery in Portland on Thursday evening. He calls her ‘Babe’, and signs off with a kiss after his name. Back off, ass-hole. She’s not your ‘Babe.’ She’s not your anything.

Shit, I remember now she told me about this exhibition of  his photographs, and asked if I wanted to go with her. I recall how nervous she was about broaching the subject with me, as we stood in the shower together. I really love showering or taking a bath with her. I want to do that again with her – soon. I miss her so much

I certainly don't want her going off to see José fucking Rodriguez without me there. The thought of him trying it on with her again, forcing his tongue down her throat, and touching her inappropriately once she tells him we’ve broken up, makes me virtually insane with jealousy.

Fuck this laid back approach. I’ve waited long enough. She invited me along to the exhibition too, didn’t she? And I realize that I also have the perfect excuse to offer to take her, because she has no means of transport. Even Kate’s away, so she can't take her. Perfect. Now I'm glad she didn't take her Audi.

I email her, because of course I have her email address at SIP courtesy of Barney.

I try to keep it friendly and light hearted. I say I hope her job is going well, then pointedly ask if she got my flowers. It really was rather rude of her not to even acknowledge that she got them, especially as I know she has my number on her old cell phone. Then I offer to take her to the gallery opening of her friend’s show. I resist the temptation to type in ‘ass-hole’ but I can't bring myself to mention him by name. 

I hit send, and then sit back to wait for a reply. It seems like forever, but it actually only takes twenty minutes for me to finally hear from her. I practically weep with relief. Good job I'm by myself in my office, so no one sees me punch the air in relief, as I scream ‘YES’ at the screen.

Anastasia thanks me for the lovely flowers, and then says that she would appreciate a lift to the gallery opening. Her reply is short and to the point, but at least she has made contact and she has actually agreed to see me. I’m weak with relief. I’m going to see her, tomorrow. I'm actually going to see her. She’s agreed. 

I email her back straight away, to ask what time I should collect her. My delight in making these arrangements is soured somewhat by the fact that she has obviously finally realized that her cell is still on divert, and she must have made contact with the ass-hole, because she comes back with the start time of José’s show. 

I don't care what fucking time it starts, I'm picking her up as early as I possibly can. I know she finishes work at 5:30, so I suggest collecting her at 5:45. It is a long way to Portland, after all. 
And come what may, she will be eating dinner, even if I have to fucking well force feed her. 

I’m already trying to figure out the best mode of transport to ensure we have the maximum amount of time together, with the fewest opportunities for her to get away from me by walking off, if things don't go to plan. I can't have that happening. We have to work something out, or I am going to go totally crazy.

 I’m in a really good mood now, so I tell Andrea to book herself and Olivia in at the Esclava Beauty Salon for a massage, and any other beauty treatments they would like, and charge it all to me. She looks very surprised, but I think she works out that this is my way of apologizing for being such a shit of a boss these past few days.  

And so it begins. Tomorrow I will begin my mission to win Anastasia back.

End of Book 1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ym3VYNjWNhI Gaspard de la Nuit by Maurice Ravel. The Scarbo movement. 

I don’t own any of the Fifty Shades Trilogy or the characters therein. They belong to E L James. I’m just borrowing them for fun and not for profit. Please refer to the Legal’s page for further details. This work is not to be copied or reproduced in any way without permission. 


It seems that any new comments added for this chapter aren't showing, maybe due to the volume already there. I do, however, still get to see them via email notification, and still enjoy reading your comments. 

216 comments:

  1. OMG! Havent even read the chapter yet but I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo thrilled it's up so I had to comment! I'm sure I'll LOVE it! Hope you had a wonderful vacation.

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    1. Hope you've got round to reading it now! I had a great vacation, thanks :)

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    2. Waiting for these chapters are so excruciating because this book is so good!! Thank you for all your writing!

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    3. I agree w/ Lauren! :) Well done, THANK YOU!! ~TLC

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    4. This is first rate writing! You have given a voice to Christian that is well in keeping with the story. Awesome job! Look forward to the next chapters

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  2. brilliant as always you never fail to amaze me well written as ever cant wait until next time xxxx

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  3. This is brilliant! I love how Christian is slowly starting to actually understand his feelings. As always, I cannot wait for the next chapter!

    Hope you enjoyed your vacation!

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    1. Hi icalyn. The light is just beginning to dawn on him, isn't it?

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  4. Soooo excited this is finally up, I love his excitement for getting her email. I cannot wait for you to start Darker, it is going to be amazing!!!!

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  5. Thank you for another great chapter!! I've read other books since 50 shades but enjoy this blog far more, please keep it coming!

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  6. Haven't even read it yet I just wanted to say thank you!! Whoooooo hoooooo

    Jenn

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  7. Thank you so much! Was worth the wait!!! Amazing as always!!! I can't wait to read about their first encounter back together!!! EEEE EXCITING!!:-)

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    1. Hi Samantha. Glad you liked it, and yes, on to more of the good stuff now :)

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  8. Thank you! Great job as always. I can really see now how this was the best thing to happen to them to break strongholds of thought patterns and open Christian up for all the new things to come!

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    1. Hi Joni - yes, Dr. Flynn must be so relieved to finally see some progress being made with Christian I think.

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  9. Love it!!! I have been waiting for it,and you never disappoint! Looking forward to the next chapter!

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  10. Love reading your Christian points of view. Great writing; love the Flynn insights. Thanks.

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    1. Flynn is a great guy, and very fond of Christian too.

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  11. OH !!! THANK YOU!!! THANK YOU!!! THANK YOU!!!! I think I was 'weeping in relief' when I realized that you had posted an additional installment to your story. I have, in true Grey form, been stalking your blog these last days just hoping for something new. And the paralel of his long wait and your fans' long wait doesn't escape me.

    For me, Book 2 was the best in the Trilogy. I am looking forward to your interpertation of Christian's POV in the many, many poignant moments ahead. Again, many, many thanks.

    Bethann

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    1. I'm happy to see I wasn't the only one who started to turn stalker on this one ;-) I'm so happy this chapter is finally here, and can't wait now for Darker to start hihihi

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    2. I also wanted to add to my comment that I am looking forward to your interpertation of the scene in the alley after leaving Joses's exhibition. This is by far, one of my favorite scenes in Book 2 that seems to be overlooked in many fanfiction stories. The week of his permanent darkness, his desparate need to intimately connect with Ana and the fact that she is driving him absolutely insane with jealousy simply explodes in a moment in the alley that, I think, even frightens Christian. His loss of control (coming on the heels of his carefully laid and controlled plans) is one of my favorite parts of the second book. I look forward to your next installment.

      Bethann

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    3. Hi Bethann - I'm really looking forward to writing about 'The Kiss', I must say :)

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  12. Again, another fantastic chapter. Can't wait for book 2.

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  13. WONDERFUL!!!!!!!!! It was well worth the wait. Now please hurry and post a follow up. I am DYING to read what comes next because the scene outside the galley is my favorite part of fsd. Thank you so much for sharing your gifts with us!!!!!!!!

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  14. Finally. Hope you had a good holiday and are all refreshed so you don't make us wait so long next time. Great chapter as usual. Keep up the good work

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    1. Thanks Tina - I'm sorry you had to wait, but hopefully it was worth it in the end :)

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  15. Another excellent chapter - your writing is outstanding!
    can't wait for the next chapter, the gallery chapter is one of my fav's
    so excited to read what Christian is thinking

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    1. Thanks Katherine. Looking forward to writing it.

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  16. Amazingly outstanding I loved it and can't wait for more....now I want to read Fifty Shades again LOL. You are an amazing writer!!!

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  17. HAHA it's me, from the first comment. Amazing chapter, I loved it all so much. The wait was so long but it sure did pay off. I loves the part where Christian is so happry Ana wants him to take her to the show so he punches the air, haha that was funny. I can't wair for the moment he realizes he is indeed in love with her, I wonder will it be. I can't wait for the next chapter, I loved that part of FSD so much. THANK YOU, again.

    Tal.

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    1. Hi Tal. I'm looking forward to happier times, when Christian finally admits he's in love too.

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  18. Welcome back. Thanks for a great start to book 2. FYI a bunch of us, your readers, got together while you were away and took a vote....no more vacations!! The wait is too unbareable... Just kidding of course. Hope you had a very good time. I didn't catch your note at the end of your last chapter, saying you'd be away for a while, till the middle of last week; so half of those 100K+ hits tallied on your website counter were probably from me checking every 5 minutes for the next chapter. It was well worth waiting for. Thanks.

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    1. Hi Zanadu.

      You can always check on the 'Blog Information' page to see if I've posted that I'm going to be away, because I'm afraid despite your vote, there will be other times!

      But I'm glad you enjoyed this latest chapter anyhow.

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  19. So so happy to see the third chapter up. I've been obsessively checking for updates so fifty shades o me. I hope you continue, I love your blog.

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  20. LOVE it as always! Can't wait for the next chapter!!!

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  21. Can you hear the exhales thru out the world with this posting? All of your fans have been living on patial oxygen till now!! Oh, how worth every shallow breath has it been. So wonderful, so visceral feeling his pain. How can all of thank you for this original and awesome piece of work? Liz

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    1. Hi Liz - Breathe, just breathe!It's fun for me to write the more original pieces I must say.

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  22. brilliant... been desperate to read next part love seeing a version from Christians view and can not wait for next chapter when he finally get her in his arms again Thankyou :) Mel

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  23. Hurray!! I was checking your blog since earlier this morning, and then the latest chapter appeared. :-) You have done another amazing job. The thoughts that Christian has in this section are so pivotal. Your writing is great. It engages us and pulls us in. The words seem to flow effortlessly, although I'm sure you put in a lot of hard work! Please keep going through all three books!!! I'm sure you will hit 500,000 views in no time at all. Then on to one million!! :-)
    B.in NYC

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    1. Hi B in NYC. It really does take a lot of effort to make something appear effortless! I'm flattered if you think the words flow in my writing. Sometimes you re-read a piece so many times, you end up not being sure if it is even ok, and it's very hard to know when to stop tweaking it!

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  24. I've been patiently waiting. So glad you are back from your holiday & hope that it was relaxing for you. Another great chapter, thank you so much for continuing to write. I love how you bring Dr. Flynn into the story. Can't wait for you to get into "darker", I think that it was my favorite. Please don't stop writing. It's the highligt of my day to see a new chapter posted.

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    1. Thanks Anita. I think Dr.Flynn was very crucial in getting Christian and Ana together, and so I enjoy writing in his role.

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  25. YES...Welcome bk Mr Grey, brilliant just brilliant...Excited.com for the next chapter Tash x

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  26. Totally amazing!!! Thank you.........can't wait for the next chapter

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  27. Loved it!! So happy when I saw this was posted. You are a brilliant writers, and I really enjoy reading from Christian's point of view. Can't wait to read the next chapter!!

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  28. Although I hope you enjoyed your vacation, I sure hope the next chapter doesn't take a week :-) With three books to cover (in more detail than the original) you need to stay on task >:-) So enjoyed this latest installment.

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    1. All depends on how the brain/imagination process works this week. Who knows, it might be take longer than a week this time....

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  29. Oh wow. Yet another great chapter. I couldn't help smiling when Christian punched the air after receiving a reply from Ana. As always, can't wait for more chapters x

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  30. Hi, hope you had a wonderful holiday. It seemed you were gone forever. :) Loved the update, and Christian was so cute talking through everything he'd done to Ana, and then talking himself into and through the actions he took. Just adorable. Your dialogue between Chritian and Dr. Flynn is incedible. Brilliant!!

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    1. Thanks. Dr Flynn is really good with Christian I think, so it's fun for me to write him.

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  31. Brilliant!! Can't wait for the next chapter!

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  32. Existential crisis indeed. It is a shame that Anna's reaction has actually increased Christian's self loathing but we know that they are going to find a middle path.
    Great writing and powerful insights, I'm loving Christian's perspective.

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    1. Thanks, Chloe. At least Christian faces up to his demons, which is what Dr. Flynn has been trying to achieve with him all along. All good stuff, eh?

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  33. Wow...finally i can exhale!....the wait for this new chapter was excruciating...hope you enjoyed your vacation/holiday as there wont be any more until the end of book 3....

    Loved it...keep writing!!

    So when will the next chapter be posted?...see we are all turning "Grey" on you...thats what you get for letting us wait so long...NO MORE DELAYED GRATIFICATION!..LOL...But seriously?!!

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    1. Well now, queenb52, it all depends on how well my brain and imagination work this week. It will take as long as it takes, is all I can say!

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  34. Geez. I hope you enjoyed your vacation because I'm hoping you'll post another chapter sooner rather than later. Please don't keep us waiting so long. This was really another exceptional chapter and I'm soooooo looking forward to the next one. When can expect to see it? Thank you so much for your great writing.

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    1. Hi Martha. Trust me, you'll see the next chapter just as soon as it's ready, but I honestly can't say when that will be. I'll be working on it, is all I can say.

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  35. Hi Christian ;-)

    Hope you had amazing holidays. I got aware of your blog on the Fifty Shades Trilogy Facebook page, and I am totally hooked since then. I must be part of the numerous stalkers you had the past couple of days, impatiently checking if the next chapter was up...You can't even registered my happiness when I came on tonight !!! Got the wine out, silented my phone and sat to absorb this new part of Christian's life.

    Your writing is truly amazing, and I deeply wish you will continue to cover the books, as there are so many moments we are curious to know from Christian's side (my ones will be the all Leila's sequence - from her breaking in Ana's flat, to the proposal and the following shower - and as well the all Jack Hyde part in Fifty Shades Freed). Anyway I'm not here to dictate you what to do, you're already doing it so well.

    So once again, really really good job, and keep on as long as you can and wish to do.

    Love Melissa

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    1. Hi Melissa. Hope you enjoyed your glass of wine.

      I shall be reviewing exactly what parts of the second two books I will be covering, and what I can bring to the story. It's much more interesting for me to bring a new angle and not to just repeat everything in the books - ELJ did it so well already of course.

      So we'll see what happens :)

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  36. Keep it going.....can't wait for another chapter!!

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  37. This was true and utter perfection. You have once again gone above and beyond any scope or magnitude I could have imagined! I so wish that back when I was still seeing a therapist she could have been as brilliant as you make Dr. Flynn. Maybe then I would have got my act together much sooner, or should I say maybe I wouldn't have gotten my act out of whack in the first place ;) I want to say also that I was impressed w/ the way Dr. Flynn not only showed up earlier rather than later on Sunday morning, but he also called during the day on Monday to check in and see how things were going. He definitely puts Christian's well being at the top of his list. I think though that it is probably just his own nature of looking after people and not that it is because Christian is so wealthy. I think he would do that w/ any of his patients. I was also impressed w/ Taylor when Christian tried to intimidate him when they were down in the gym & Taylor basically let him know that his job no matter what was to protect first and ask questions later.

    Thanks again for the outstanding and long chapter. I loved it from the very beginning to the very last punctuation mark. I believe I will go back and read it again it was so good! Thanks again!

    XOXO,
    Ang

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    1. Hi Ang. IMO, I think Flynn is very fond of Christian, and has found dealing with him rather frustrating up to now, so is keen to give him a lot of support so he can finally make progress. I agree with you that I don't think Christian's wealth comes into it for him, even if he jokes about it.
      Flynn may use fancy terms such as SFBT, and using a dialectical approach, but I think most of his professional advice boils down to good old fashioned common sense.
      And no way was Taylor ever going to let Christian walk all over him. He may appear to be bowing to him most of the time, but he would never be afraid to stand up to him in order to do his job properly. He is very aware that Christian may well be his own worst enemy.
      It's all good fun, isn't it?

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  38. yyyaaaaaay! fanstastic chapter, cant wait for the next one :) xx

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  39. Loved it.. What a lovely surprise to have this to read by te pool today.... Can't wait for te next chapter...
    :)

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  40. Loved it!!!! Another wonderful chapter!!! I literally yelled in suprise when I seen you posted this chapter!! Can not wait until the next chapter!

    Shannon

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  41. Beautiful chapter. Thank goodness for Flynn and his ever present beacon of light for our poor disturbed Grey Knight. I look forward to the next chapter. Your writing is terrific. Brings out his frustrated soul so well I cried for him while reading it. And you always leave me wanting more!

    Nan :D

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  42. I was so excited to see the update!!! I am so glad that Christian is taking John's advise and seeing how he can woo Ana back! I am also glad that he put Elena's call to voicemail! I am so excited to read the next chapters, as book 2 was my favorite!!

    I hope you had a great vacation, and were able to get some relaxation in.

    The update was well worth it!! I loved it!!

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  43. Woo hop yay yay and yay next chapter. And may I say I was also stalking from this morning. The insight you have into Christians point of view is sooi amazing. Please keep them coming I am one of many whom love reading them. Lots of love Coleen x x x

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  44. WONDERFUL & BRILLIANT work as usual!!!!!!!!! I've come to not expect any less from you!!! I hope you enjoyed your time away but couldn't be happier for you return!!! I look forward to your next chapter...love getting to know Christian like this. I'm a firm believer that time to one's self usually ends up with nothing but GREATNESS to share with everyone!!! Take all the time you need and take it often...we only live once!!! :)

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  45. Thank God you comeback, hope you had a great vacation. Great chapter as usually.
    Please don't stop writing them.

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  46. AH! Totally worth the wait! Loved this chapter! Hope you vacation was nice:) I really liked the description of why Christian plays the piano, so brilliant. Also the way he worked through his crisis and came to realizations he was able to commit to! Flawless!

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  47. Great chapter as usually, welcome back I was impatiently waiting for you,
    and do't do waiting. Thank you for another chapter.

    Laters.....

    CP

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  48. Wow! I've been waiting all week for a new update and it was WORTH IT! I love this and love your writing. I'm so addicted. Thanks again...and continue writing. Have a fantastic week!

    Love,
    Carie

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  49. Eeeeek!!!!.cant wait to see what else you write!!! Post more soon!!!

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  50. You are truly amazing!! Thank you for the wonderful chapter, it was perfect!! Christian is finally getting it together and I can't help but smile the entire time I read! LOVE!!

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  51. At last, I was getting withdrawals!!!! Loved it as usual. Please keep going!

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  52. OMG, your back and better than ever. I hope you enjoyed your vacation. I am so happy for the new chapter and it was great. I love the insight that Flynn gives Christian. It's nice to know there is someone who is putting proper thoughts in his head instead of the "bitch troll" tainting his mind. It was tough getting through that rough period with CG but I am glad to be on the other end, as I am sure you are. Also way to go Taylor for not putting up with Christians petulant ways, Taylor is only doing his job and well I might add. I know I should be patient, but I still can't wait for more.

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  53. That was amazing and so worth the wait! Thank you!!!!! Can't wait for more.

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  54. I've spent the last couple of days rereading your entire blog in anticipation of getting this chapter! So glad you posted it before my summer vacation is over (I have to return to school tomorrow)! Loved Flynn's coaching on the hearts & flowers aspect of wooing Ana back! ~Philalmae

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  55. Thank You sooo much! I missed your writing so much!

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  56. Thank you loved it, keep it going please.

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  57. Check out a guy named Ben Easter. He would be an amazing Chrisian Grey!

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  58. First & foremost thank you sooooo much for your amazing adaptation of the delectable Mr Christian Grey. Your insight is amazing & like many I have felt like a stalker desperately keeping watch to see if the next chapter was available & it definately didn't disappoint. Cannot wait for the next part & please, please keep writing because so far it's fantastic xx

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  59. OMG!! I have been waiting and checking all day for the next chapter!!! I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE your work...I can NOT get enough!!!!! You nail each and every idea of Christian....please continue....Waiting patiently!!! sigh...I will continue reading Fifty Shades....I read every night and I am still as obsessed with it as I was when I began reading...Laters, baby!

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  60. What an amazing chapter.............425,000 people could be enough for you to continue writing the next two books.......I believe you will end up with 1/2 million people watching your blog..........Please keep going!!!!!!

    Thank you...
    Jen

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  61. Fabulous!!!!!! Again :-) well worth the wait. Hope you enjoyed your holiday.
    Eagerly awaiting more!!!
    Leissa Mc

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  62. Christian's realization that the thing he truly enjoyed sharing with Ana had nothing to do with sex... That's exactly what I tell my friends who ask me why I love FSOG (and your blog, of course). Take away the sex scenes and it's really a painfully romantic story. It's Christian's climb out of his hell hole thru his reluctant acceptance of love and Ana's patience and caring thru the ordeal...THAT's FSOG. That's what the book's critics don't get...Brill as always! You hit the nail on its head. Take it all the way to Freed, please! Hope no AUs... - Bing M

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    1. Hi Bing. Yes, romance with a capitol 'R' is what this is story all about. Okay, romance with a bit of kinky smut thrown in, but imho you are absolutely correct about what the huge appeal of Fifty Shades is. It's a love story, plain and simple.

      And I am the biggest soppiest, romantic addict there is, and why I enjoy writing this FF I guess.

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    2. All the "kindky f**kery" is there to spice things up, of course. But it's still Christian's history and agony and Ana's love and devotion that makes it all such a read. Christian and Ana, the latest in a long line of eternal lovers... Excellent!! - Bing M

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  63. You know that I love your writing SO VERY MUCH. So, it is with much humility and respect that I say to you that I really found your use of the word "retard" to be offensive. I started not to say anything, but I just couldn't let it go. I know that you probably meant nothing by it. I know that you are a good and kind person, and this was probably just a slip up. I hope you will take this comment in the spirit that it is sent. Thanks.

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    1. Hi Lilly.
      First off, I apologise if I have offended you - of course that would never be my intention in any way.
      If I may explain my use of the word 'retard'.I'm writing Christian's inner thoughts. We all know that he's a dirty, bad boy, and I don't think his private inner thoughts would necessarily be politically correct, however polite he is in public. We all think things that we would never say out loud, don't we? And like it or not, today's young men do frequently use the term 'retard'. He was using the term in reference to himself, not about anyone else, in his usual self loathing manner.
      If I sanitise his thoughts, I fear his character will not ring true, so I stand by using the term.
      In some ways I'm surprised that using the term 'retard' is offensive to you, but the fact that Christian takes pleasure in beating women to inflict pain on them appears not to be? Or the frequent use of language such as Fuck? It's all a matter of personal perspective I guess.
      I very much welcome your comments, and am glad you were brave enough to speak up about your reservations, so I hope you don't mind my frank answer and explanation.

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    2. Good point; well made.
      I never thought of it this way, and now that I do, it makes more sense. Perhaps I am a bit more sensitive because a have special needs children. They are not MR, but still. In fact, MR is no longer the politically correct term, but it's too early for me to remember what it is.
      Thanks for the response. Looking forward to your continued writing. And I hope you will update your Dr.Grace story soon as well.

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  64. Loved this I'm finished with the three books now and to be able to read from C.G's point of veiw makes me feel like there ks so much more to what Ana felt.....pease continue as there is so much more to delve into with Christian I know one I'd live to see is when Charlie Tango went down and also the pregnancy and Ana being in hospital.... Sooo much more to give :Dx

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    1. Have to see if I have the endurance to keep writing long enough to cover every part of the trilogy!

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  65. wow, that was so well worth the wait. hope you enjoyed your vacation. i loved christian "sorting his shit out" as ana called it. i loved his realizations when he was looking at the tea bag, how that little object triggered so much reflection about what made ana different and why anything less wouldnt make him happy. i loved taylor for not apologizing doing his job and how he didnt let his hissy fit phase him. i love how postive flynn was telling him there is a middle ground and he can be happy. the breakup really was for the best and like flynn told ana, she completely shook his life and he never would have came to this point if they hadnt met. im glad he has a goal and is working toward it. the next chpt should be brilliant. oh, loved that he treated andrea and olivia, they really deserved it lol. keep it up :)

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    1. I'm glad this chapter met with your approval, KC :)

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  66. I think you did really well on this chapter, You are a very impressive writter and I am enjoying reading more.

    Thank you for feeding the addiction
    and giving what Im sure many of us
    50 shades has wanted!

    XX Tiff

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  67. I am in awe over your writing. Just brilliant. Chapters 27 and 28 were absolutley genius. I continued to re-read, re-read, re-read (ok I won't tell you how many times I've read them), 27-28 until you posted chapter 29. And chapter 29 really brought it all home. You write from Christian's mind and heart so beautifully. You represent each character as we meet them and maintain a loyalty in your writing. I am a huge fan of your work and look forward to you writing us through until the end. I am curious to read your thoughts about when Christian finds out Anna is pregnant and he just happens to find himself by Esclava Beauty Salon. Keep up the amazingly, gut-wrenching, heart-warming writing. XX.

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    1. Thanks - it's been fun for me to be able to write more freely for these last three chapters, rather than have to stick to the books. So I've got to see how it will work writing FF for the next two books.

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  68. Awesome as always!! You write Christian so well! Can't wait for the next chapter!! :)

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  69. Very well done!! Cannot wait for the next chapter!! <3

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  70. Wow! This was even better than I had expected! I was sobbing the whole way through. The emotions just poured right off the screen here - you've truly outdone yourself this time! And I just LOVE Christian punching the air and shouting YES at the screen - just adorable. Thank you - you've made my week <3

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    1. Thanks, Garmel. I pictured Christian being almost like a teenager when he got finally got an email from Ana. And emotionally, that's what he is - an adolescent, which is what makes it sweet in a way I think :)

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  71. wow that was so worth the wait, i just love the banter between John and Christian, makes me smile. Im so glad he ignored Elena he certainly doesnt need her in his ear, ive just finished reading Fifty Shades for the 8th time, and i still cry in so many bits, now im crying and my heart aches so much from Christians point of view. So looking forward to the next chapter THANKS SO MUCH....... Chez xx

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    1. Hi Chez. The penny is beginning to drop about Elena I think, but she's not done with Christian yet, is she?

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  72. I've read this whole Meet Fifty Shades you've written in less than two days, lol, love this! Is there a way to send an alert to fans that your next installments of your work is up? Maybe a Facebook page or something? It's just great to have a Christian fix..even if it's not EL James writing it, the spirit is rather true and still incredibly satisfying from your hand as well. Well done!

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    1. Hi there. Yes,there is an email alert option, a Facebook option (probably the quickest and easiest way), and twitter as well to find out about new chapters, so take your pick. Go to the 'Blog Information' page for details:

      http://christiangrey50shades.blogspot.co.uk/p/blog-information.html

      Or use the links of the left of the blog.

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  73. again another brilliant chapter! Can't wait for the next one!

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  74. Another wonderful chapter I couldn't wait for this one now I am just as eager for the next! Also want to say thanks for posting the music links I love hearing the songs that are in Christians head. Can't wait for more I am loving Christians point of view as much as I loved the book

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    1. Thanks, Ashley. I'd love to do more music links, but it all takes time, and everyone wants new chapters as soon as possible! So I'm glad you like the ones that I have done :)

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  75. Hope you had a great vacation.
    So glad you're back.... Can't wait for more.

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  76. Hope your holiday was as good as this chapter!!
    Eeeekk! Can't wait till for the next! :-)

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  77. I can't wait to see his metamorphosis when he finally accepts that he loves her :) You are building this beautifully!

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  78. Welcome back! Thank you for doing this for us followers and addicted to Fifty Shades of Grey Fans. Thank you for giving in to our addiction. hahaha! Seriously speaking, i'm looking forward to the next chapter. You hit the spot every time. xx Manette

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  79. you are amazing i love reading this and im soooo excited to continue reading you are quite talented and im just enthralled my friend picks on me cus ill usually be walking around nose to my phone reading your chapters and not really paying attention to what im doing keep up the good work and hope your vacations was fun

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    1. Hi Brittanie - I hope you look where you're going when you cross the road!

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    2. lol yes thats about the only time i look up from reading i love the story from his pov thank you for writing this its amazing.

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  80. Oh my, I found your blog and I am in love! I was very hungry for the Christian point of view and you do it beautifully! I spent my relaxing Sunday reading all of your entries and they are amazing!!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

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  81. Don't listen to people who tell you to hurry. You put so much care and effort into that chapter. I loved Christian's inner monologue. Not only is it amusing (all the possessive Jose shit and the constant monitoring followed by the: *she's rude for not acknowledging my flowers* ), but it was really deep too. He's in love, and if he wants it, he'll have to face that deep part of himself and let go of his coping mechanisms. Loved Flynn too, and the tour and details of the RRoP. I like his business like attitude to all this and his obsession with her eating habits. I enjoyed the interaction with Taylor too. I had many favourite bits, but will quote just one:

    "I’ve abused the physical attraction, the sexual magnetism between us in order to use her for my own depraved pleasure, telling myself that she was a fully consenting adult, just like the fifteen previous subs I've had. But the difference was that they all knew exactly what they were agreeing to."

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    1. Hi there. Well I can only write as fast as my imagination flows, and sometimes it flows faster than others. So thank you for your appreciation that it takes time to write each chapter :)

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  82. Thanks for another awesome chapter. I love that it was nice and long too! It was well worth the wait. I must have checked my email 100+ times for the update on this chapter and I was one happy chick when it arrived in my inbox. Your doing an amazing job. I have sent about 40 friends to this blog and they are loving it also. Can't wait for chapter 30, I know it will be awesome too! You never disappoint!!!

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  83. omg i cant wait for the next chapter!!! Thanks for providing something else to read after the trilogy!! When do you think the next one wil be up??!!!!! Dee

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  84. Hi,
    I just wanted to let you know we use your story in our Book Club! And we discuss it every time we get together--it's a great bonding experience for us ladies. We were already big fans of FSOG in our meetings, and your story just made us bigger fans of Christian and Ana. Fantastic job.

    Thank you so much!
    The ladies from Dayton, Ohio

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    Replies
    1. Hi ladies in Dayton, Ohio. I am very flattered indeed that you discuss my writing in your Book Club, and you must be a good, open minded group. I myself am in a Book Club, but the other members have no idea that I write this blog as they turned their noses up at Fifty Shades, so this is my guilty secret!

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  85. loved it well worth checking my email a dozen times aday for. love hoe Dr Flynn is helping christian to see Elena for the true person she is whom has held a controlling hand on him since he was 15. and poor anna so in love with him. Im glad your writing involves Christian falling in love with anna
    cant wait for the next chapters and thank you for the link to jane's blogs
    Laters
    Edwina

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  86. Thank you for another lovely chapter. Definitely worth the wait. :) As always, your writing is really brilliant. I love Flynn in this chapter. I love that he wants what's best for Christian. I can see that he really cares. :) Excited for more!!! Cant wait! :)

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  87. THANK YOU!!! I loved this chapter as well - I really felt the shift in Christian. From nearly despondent to "a man on a mission." This came through to me not just in what he was saying, but in the actual rhythm and flow of the prose, if that makes any sense! I have to say, I am looking forward to the upcoming kiss, BUT I'm really excited for Christian's submission - from his POV. I am so excited to be taking this journey with you and your gabillions of other fans!

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    1. Gabillions - new one on me, but I like it! I think Christian is used to being decisive and determined, so once he's managed to get his head clear about what he wants, he will always be unstoppable. So, yes, you are quite right, the pace of the writing had to step up to reflect his change of mood.
      Thanks for taking the time to think this through :)

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  88. Thank you for another great chapter!!! Emily :-)

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  89. Omg cant wait for the next chapter :) xx

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  90. Brilliant!!
    Mr Grey plc say that you will continue until the
    End of the third book! The chapters so far are
    Addictive, can't wait to read more....hopefully!
    Love Christians POV so far!

    Charlotte :-)

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    Replies
    1. Glad you're enjoying reading my blog. I am continuing , but I will shortly be reviewing in exactly what way I will be continuing. I don't want to just repeat line for line the books - that's boring for me to write and for you to read.

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  91. Welcome back from vacation! I hope it was wonderful and helped rejevenate you so you can continue writing! AWESOME job on this chapter! Keep them coming! I just love your version of Christian! Frankly, I'd love any version of Christian! But you are a master at making feel what he's feeling! Thanks for all your hard work, we all certainly emjoy it!

    Mel in NJ, USA

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    1. Thanks Mel. Hope you keep reading the blog :)

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  92. Wow!!!! I started reading your chapters today, and couldn't stop until i had read them all! I love reading Christians side of the story, keep up the good work can't wait for the next one!!!

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  93. you left me hanging again!!

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  94. Fantastic chapter, as usual!!
    I'm so excited and hope that you'll be taking on the other books. There was so much stuff happening with Jack Hyde that Christian was keeping from Anastasia. Hoping you can fill in all of that and more!

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  95. Oh i love this cant wait to read more of your work ...hope you are going to continue to write all they way through to the 3rd book : ) xx

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  96. Anxiously waiting for the next chapter!!!! This chapter was worth the wait!!!
    #I'mAddicted

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  97. ooooh im checking daily have this blog pinned to my favs this is fantastic thank you sooo much for doing this your doing an amazing job

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  98. oh wow loved it , thank you so much.

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  99. Thanks for taking your vacation time to write this wonderful chapter! You're rock!!! It made so much sence now why Christian wanted Ana back. The book was missing too many pieces. I cant wait to see the movie but I will be very mad if they dont reach out to you and ask you to help with Christian pov. Like the book it would missing many detials. I think the writer and director already putting time to do reacher and come across your blog.
    I hope you write your book sooner than later. I would love to read and have it on my shelf.
    Waiting for next chapter. Thanks
    Kim

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Kim. No film director's been knocking on my door just yet, sorry to say!

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  100. INSPIRED! You are ready to write your own best seller...

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  101. Please hurry cannot wait to read the next chapter and the rest of the 2nd and 3rd books for that matter!

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  102. LOVED IT!!!! Can't wait to read more. Have to say that Fifty Shades Darker was my fav. out of the series. I love your work and hope that you will find the time to continue with each book.

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  103. Oh christian you got me wanting more again ......how long for the next chapter i'm checking my email every hour :)

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  104. Hi,
    Thankyou so much for yet another brilliant chapter...i really love you Christian's POV. You are doing an amazing job, to the extent that it feels so real, and we are all 'cheering him on' cause he now knows he wants and loves Ana...brilliant, please can we have some more?
    Many many thanks

    Michala, from Northern Ireland xxxx

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  105. Looove this chapter :) was checking everyday untill you posted it and have been checking ever since in anticipation for the next one. Brilliant writing!
    Charlotte.

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  106. Love it! Amazing as always...Can't wait for MORE!!!!

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  107. Awwwwww I just love this this chapter please keep them coming xxx

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  108. No!!!!!!!! I didn't want this chapter to end!!! Your writing is amazing and I'm enjoying this blog as much (if not more) than the books! Thank you for giving us MORE! ;)
    XX

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  109. Love the part where he shoots his arm in the air and says Yes! Shows he still is a little boy at heart! WONDERFUL 3 part story - we are all so lucky to read your thoughts on Christian. I don't think EL James could have done it better!

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    1. Hi blondegirl3. All men are little boys at heart aren't they? And Christian is no different, as you so rightly point out :)

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  110. fabulous, thank you

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  111. More, more, more!

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  112. Fantastic, Fantastic, Fantastic!!! I have read TONS of fan fiction relating to FSOG and yours by FAR is the absolute BEST.!!!! I can't stop reading!!! So excited for another update! You give E L James a run for her money! Bravo!

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  113. AMAZING!!! You are an amazing writer! You write Christian so beautifully! Can't wait for more!!!

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  114. Ok I just found this blog yesterday and yep I'm now done with what you have wrote so far. I can def say I'm hooked cant wait till you get the rest up I will def be one of your daily stalkers:) GREAT JOB!!!!

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  115. hi i only found this blog 2 days ago and have finished writing it. its amazing. you have a gift. please keep up the great work. enjoying it so much. i am hooked. i have my husband asking will i get off the computer to go to bed. please write more so looking forward to it. :) :) you have got all the charcters so great. they should get you to write the screenplay they are talking about doing for theses books.

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    1. Oh dear loulou, can't have Mr Grey causing problems in the marital bed can we?

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  116. Hope you write more! Stated to read this yesterday and couldn't stop nil I'd finished the lot!

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  117. 3rd time reading it since chapter.29 came out. When.can i have an update??? Lol

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  118. Please write more! You have done a brilliant job! And I can't wait for the next chapters!

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  119. (d'oh, I originally posted on the wrong page)

    I was SOOOooo happy to see this chapter and it is every bit as wonderful as I expected.

    I loved the other blogs that you suggested and it helps my "Fifty" obsession, but no one, NO ONE, writes Christian better than you!

    You know you have to continue, right?

    Before finding your blog I had Fifty Shades Withdrawal ... now I've got Meeting Fifty Shades Continued Withdrawal !!!

    MORE? TRY?

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    Replies
    1. I'm working on it, honestly. But it takes time to work it thorough, and get it up to standard, so a little patience is called for I'm afraid.

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  120. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you! I love your blog. I too was going through withdrawal, now I am excitedly awaiting the next chapter.

    Maryann

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  121. I hope you had a very nice vacation. Thank you so much for writing these chapters for us... I am enjoying them immensely!! Please, keep it up. You are an incredible writer. Thank You!!

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  122. Oh no!! It's over..all too soon...really hoping you'll continue on with the next books. You are such an amazingly gifted writer. In the words of Ana, "Oh, Christian! Please!"

    Krystle xx

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  123. LOVED LOVED LOVED IT!!!! Can't wait for more to come.I love how you write from Christian's pov. It keeps us drawn in. I loved each chapter that you have posted. I can't wait to see the "kiss" in Darker through his pov. know it will be sweet. You have a great talent and I hope that you don't get to tired of writing because I look forward to seeing his pov for all three books. I will check in every day all day for any more chapters to be posted! Thank you so much

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  124. I have been lurking for a few days now and I am head over heels in love with your blog. Reading the previous chapters, I used to cringe and scowl how you made Christian value Elena's opinions. But then Dr. Flynn's take on her manipulating him is just genius! You certainly aim to please! I have to say I'm obsessed! This got me through my 50 shades withdrawal. Thanks so much for sharing this with all of us who are more than 50 shades of greysessed. I keep checking in everyday in hopes for a new update (although I know you have a life to lead unlike this obsessed reader.) Please please please continue til book 2. More please!

    E XX

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  125. Holy Crap !!! What a phenomenal chapter !! I listened to the track while reading. Man o Man !! You just keep getting better ! Can't wait for the next and the next and all the ones to follow !! Your awesome ! =)

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  126. When I see that you have added a new chapter I get so excited, like waiting all week for your favorite tv show to come on. This is the BEST 50 Shades fanfic out there. Thank you so much for feeding my need for more of this story after I finished the originals.

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  127. I love your writing, it is now two weeks since I started reading the original books and have now finished those and read all that you have in this blog.... I am so eager to read all the rest that you have to write. I don't think I can thank you enough, you've given me something to look forward to and a way to escape during my own dark time.

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  128. I loved reading every word you wrote from Christian's point of view. So nice to see what he may be thinking behind his eyes and what he doesn't say out loud. I can't wait to read more! Well done! Bravo!

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  129. beyond awesome... im waiting for the next chapter... hope you will post it sooner than later. :-)

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Thanks for taking the time to leave a comment. Be sure I read each and every one, even if I don't always reply individually.