01 August 2012

Chapter 28 Purgatory Part 2 - Darkest Before Dawn


“The fuck you will. I sure as hell didn't request a home visit from you, so I'm not paying any extra charge,” I retort, as Taylor and Gail beat a hasty retreat from the kitchen to leave us alone. John and I fall naturally into our easy banter. I like his quirky, no nonsense, British sense of humor.

“Well, we can quibble over the details of my bill later, but seeing as I'm here now, why don't you tell me what’s been going on with you, Christian,” Flynn replies, in his usual seemingly laid back manner, although  I can tell he’s furtively watching me very closely.

“I’m guessing Taylor or Gail called you, which was entirely unnecessary.”

“Yes, they did. And who can blame them, when Taylor noticed via the security CCTV that you were leaning right over the edge of the balcony, especially when he realized that you were covered in blood. He said he's never seen you out there before in all the time he's worked for you, so it was a clear departure from your normal behavior pattern. Christian, you are renowned for your volatile nature, and Taylor knew you’d already been behaving erratically earlier today, due to an unwelcome development in your personal life. It’s his job to protect you, even if it’s from yourself.”

“It’s not how it looks, John. Jeez, I wasn’t thinking about killing myself, if that’s what you’re all thinking.” Or was I? Shit no, even I'm not that screwed up. Am I?

“No? Well then, do you mind telling me what was going through your mind when you were leaning over the edge? And why exactly are you covered in blood?”

“I cut my hand on some broken glass, that’s all, and I didn’t notice because they're only tiny cuts which didn't hurt, but it seems they bled like fuckers. And I just stepped outside onto the balcony to get some fresh air, to clear my head, and as I don't go out there very often, I was contemplating the view.”

“But what were you thinking about? What was going through your mind?”

“You want to know the honest truth? Living up here on the top floor of Escala as I do, sometimes I get to thinking about all those poor souls who were trapped on the top floors of the twin towers on 9/11. Haven't you ever wondered what you would have done, if it had been you? Would you have jumped and experienced a fleeting sense of freedom as you flew to a certain death, or would you have remained in the building, knowing there was no escape from the purgatory raging below?”

“Those are rather morbid thoughts, Christian, I must say. So, what would you have chosen to do?”

“I can never make up my mind for sure, but I think probably I’d take control of my destiny and jump.”

“And were you tempted to jump, just now? Did you experience any kind of a compelling impulsive urge to jump, maybe even just for a fleeting second, as a solution to the angst you’re currently experiencing?”

“Shit, no! I’m not Leila, for Christ’s sake.”

“Ah yes, the ex-submissive you rang me about last week. Any news on her?”

“No. She seems to have gone to earth.”

“I see. Well, I think it best for now if we just concentrate on you, so I suggest you tell me what happened between you and Anastasia that led to the break-up of your relationship. That is the situation as I understand it?”

“Yes. Anastasia’s left me.” 

Saying the words out loud makes them seem even more final somehow, and indescribable pain washes over me again and my chest tightens up. I close my eyes and take a deep breath to continue. 

“I hit her. With a belt. Six times. She asked me to show her how bad it could be, so I did. She couldn’t take it. No, that’s not true, she did take it because she never safe-worded on me, but then she said she’d never let me do it again. She said she can't be what I need, and I can't give her what she wants. So she left me.”

“I thought you had planned to introduce her very gradually to the more extreme aspects of your BDSM lifestyle. What changed your mind?”

“Ana suggested it. She offered to let me punish her, even though it really scares her,  hoping that maybe then I would let her touch me, which obviously you know I have major problems with and never allow. Elena had already urged me not to hold back, and because Anastasia needed to know the truth about me sooner rather than later, I decided it was as good a time as any to show her the real me.”

“I see. And so you just launched right in, you went straight ahead and took Elena’s advice, despite the fact that there was a very real chance that such an experience would prove to be too much for an inexperienced girl like Anastasia. You surely knew that she had no real idea of what she was letting herself in for, although of course you did?”

“Yes, I suppose so, and yes, I agree in hindsight it was foolish of me. I got carried away.”

“And so do you regret your actions now?”

“Yes and no. I desperately regret losing Anastasia, but the day was always going to come when she had to find out about my needs. Why put it off?”

“So what do you plan to do about the fact that you regret losing her?”

“What do you mean? There’s nothing I can do is there? I am who I am. I have a need to punish, to hurt, and Ana can’t live with that.”

“Let me just ask you, Christian. How are you feeling right now?”

“Fucking shit. In physical pain. Like my whole world just came crashing down around me. Like there’s nothing to look forward to any more. Like there’s no point to anything anymore, and it’s going to be perpetual night now she’s gone.”

“So, basically you are experiencing an existential crisis.”

“I guess so, yes.”

“So, if I said there was a way forward that could potentially solve this crisis, would you be prepared to try it, if it meant that you and Anastasia could possibly get back together and find a way forward?”

“You’re not going to start with all that SFBT shit again are you?”

“As a matter of fact I am, Christian, because Solution Focused Brief Therapy could really work for you, if you would only open up your mind to it, and take it more seriously than you have in the past. It is possible for you to confront your demons and re-think them. Then maybe you could concentrate on where you want to be in the future, and what it would take for you to get there.”

“I’m too fucked up for any of that. I already know what works for me, because it has done for many years.”

“You mean the BDSM lifestyle that Elena introduced you to when you were just fifteen years old? Look, I’m going to be brutally honest about how I see your relationship with this older Dominatrix figure, because I wonder if it has ever occurred to you that things might have turned out differently for you under a more benign influence than hers? That you might be in a different place to where you are right now?”

“What do you mean? I needed a firm hand, and that’s exactly what Elena gave me. She turned me around, stopped me drinking and doing drugs. She saved my life. She even helped me financially when I set up my first business, after I dropped out of Harvard.”

“What if she had seduced you with love and affection instead of extremely harsh physical pain, and loveless, mechanical sex? She understood all about your haphephobia with her inside knowledge from your mother, so no doubt she could have found a loving way to deal with touching you, if she’d been so inclined. As a hormonal fifteen year old boy desperate for sex, I'm sure she could have offered you other incentives to have got you to stop drinking and resist taking drugs. Yet she chose to make you her BDSM submissive slave, even though you were still legally under the age of consent. That says far more about her needs than yours. Let me ask you something. Was her marriage a happy one?”

I snort with derision.

“Hardly. Elena is a very beautiful woman, and Linc, her husband, just saw her as a trophy wife. Most of the time he ignored her. Either that or he beat her. When he eventually found out about our affair, he beat her to a pulp, broke her jaw, her left arm and four of her ribs. So no, it wasn’t a happy marriage.”

“Any idea why she married him in the first place?”

“I think she was pretty young when they got married. Linc was rich and powerful, so he presented a solution for her, because she was desperate to get away from her father…” I pause, as I think I see where he’s going with this.

“Let me guess. Elena’s father was abusive towards her, and so to try and escape, she rushed into what turned out to be another abusive relationship with her husband. And then she in turn physically and mentally abused you, an extremely vulnerable fifteen year old boy, harshly caning and whipping you right from the very beginning of your relationship, even though I believe this is not normally considered acceptable behavior in the BDSM community. And so, over a long period, she has influenced you to such an extent that now you believe it only possible for you to enjoy very extreme BDSM sexual relationships. Ones that you have to keep secret from your family and friends, meaning that she is virtually your only confidante, enabling her to continue to manipulate you, even after all these years. Can’t you see this?”

“I hadn’t thought of it that way,” I admit. But Elena is my only true friend – isn’t she?

“Christian, surely you can see that what we have here is an on-going cycle of violence and abuse. Don't you think that maybe it’s time to try and break that cycle, now that you have met and fallen in love with a girl who is not into that lifestyle? A loving relationship with Anastasia offers you a fresh start, a whole new future, if you can just be brave enough to confront your issues, instead of blindly accepting them and stubbornly refusing to even consider other options.”

“I’m just too fucked up, John, it’s too late. You know why I do what I do with little brown haired girls, the anger and rage I have that needs channeling.” Fifty Shades.


“That’s just bullshit, Christian. It’s never too late for anyone to change if they really want to, and you are still a young man in his twenties. I really think this is one of the areas you need to confront, however painful it maybe for you. It’s about time you tried to find a way to forgive your birth mother, to let the anger go. There must have been reasons why she ended up the way she did. You may be judging her unfairly, because you were just four years of age when she died, so you have no understanding of the background to explain any of it, to make sense of it.”

“Well, none of that really matters now does it? Ana’s broken up with me, so it’s too late to fix things with her anyway.” There’s no going back now – is there?

“Not necessarily. How did things end between you? Was she angry, or sad or upset? Did she want you to try to work things out?”

“She was all of those things. She cried all night. She said she didn’t want to go. She was sweet and tender and loving at first when we talked… and then she was cold and distant when she walked out, she wouldn’t even let me touch her.” 

My voice breaks as I think about those last few hours we spent together, how I wish it could have been different, but it can’t. Can it?

“Sounds to me as if she has very deep feelings for you.”

“She said she loved me,” I whisper, as I swallow hard and cover my eyes with my hands, trying to cope with saying those words out loud. It all feels very raw and tender. Repeating the words we spoke as we lay together in bed for the last time is incredibly painful.

“And did you tell her that you loved her too?” John very gently probes.

“Don’t be so fucking stupid! Of course not. She can’t possibly love me, and I'm sure as hell not capable of love.” Love is for other people – not me. Or is it?

“Oh Christian, why on earth do you imagine you’re feeling the way you do, if it’s not because you are very capable indeed of giving and receiving love? Do you imagine for one moment that the depth of anguish you’re feeling right now is down to anything other than the fact that you are deeply in love with Anastasia? You have to get over your morbid self-abhorrence and accept that you are capable of both giving and receiving love.”

I look at him skeptically.

“She deserves a better man than me,” I mutter.

“Let’s turn this around then, shall we? You mentioned to me before that you're concerned that Anastasia has low self-esteem and confidence issues; that she doesn’t always take care of herself properly, or eat as well as she maybe ought to?”

“Yes, I do have concerns about her actually. She seems to prefer to take care of other people, like her stepdad or her mom, instead of herself. ”

“Well, maybe she needs you to look after her and take care of her, just as much as I believe you need her to help you develop a normal, happy, loving relationship, to be the man you could so easily be, if you would just let yourself try. This is what a good partnership between a man and a woman is all about; caring for each other, understanding each other’s strengths and weaknesses. She could be your salvation; equally you could be hers.”

“Maybe, I suppose when you put it like that,” I tentatively agree. Is this even possible?

“And from what you told me last time, you and Anastasia are very compatible sexually. It's only the very extreme aspects of your lifestyle that pose a problem to her.”

“The punishments. She can't get her head around the fact that I want to hurt her. So it was really brave of her to agree to let me hit her. Ana’s never experienced any kind of corporal punishment before, so I was trying to prove to her that her fear makes the pain seem worse in her head than in reality, and I’d not give her anything that I didn't think she could handle for me.”

“For most people, any pain at all is not acceptable, Christian,” John quietly reminds me. “This is where Elena’s influence about what is normal and acceptable is what I would question. Does Anastasia know about Elena?”

“Oh yes. She calls her Mrs. Robinson. Oh, and Mrs. Pedo.”

“The more I hear about your Anastasia, the more I like the sound of her. I’d really love to meet her, so you’d better get on and sort this mess out,” John chuckles.

“Yeah, you’d really love her. My family all love her, my mom especially. I'm not looking forward to breaking the news to them that we’ve split up,” I sigh.

“Don't rush into telling them yet. All is not lost. Look, from what you’ve told me, the only thing standing in the way of you and Anastasia having a relationship is your need to punish and hurt her. The reason she wants to be able to touch you is because she loves you and wants to be able to show you affection, which is a positive thing, not negative as you seem to think. You’ve told me the break up is causing you extreme physical and mental anguish, but you could fix this. You’ve come to a very important crossroads in your life, and you have a very simple choice to make – the solution lies entirely in your own hands. You can stubbornly refuse to change or adapt in any way, just carry on exactly as you are, as you have been up to now, but without Anastasia in your life and live with the pain this causes you. Or, you could be really brave, open up your mind to make some positive changes in your attitudes and lifestyle choices, and try to win her back. It’s entirely up to you, Christian.”

“You really think it’s possible? I mean, she’s broken off all communication with me, she even refused to take those with her, stubborn and challenging woman that she is.” I point to the MacBook and her cell that are still sitting on the worktop.

“Oh come on Christian, I don't think those minor obstacles would present any kind of a problem to a man with your considerable resources. But first of all, you have to decide which option you’re going for. There is no point whatsoever in trying to open any kind of communication with Anastasia, unless you have something new to offer her, as she has made it quite plain the arrangement that you originally proposed is not acceptable to her. And let me tell you that she is not being unreasonable, however much Elena might try to convince you otherwise.”

“I don't know. I’m not sure it would be fair on her. Maybe it’s best I just let her go,” I sigh, as I run my hand through my hair in confusion.

“So you would happily just sit back and let another man step into your place?” John challenges, knowing full well my possessive and jealous nature.

Just the thought of any other man touching Ana, kissing her, taking her, taking what is mine fills me with rage and fury. The thought of another man having her is like a knife twisting in my heart. I know José fucking Rodriquez is just waiting in the side-lines, ready to get into Ana’s panties first chance he gets. And she’s so naïve, she still thinks he’s her friend. 

And then there’s that Ethan guy, Kate’s brother, I could tell he was really into her, the way he had his arm around her at the graduation ceremony. And he’s got the perfect excuse to hang around her as Ana’s best friends with his sister. 

Then there are all the guys she’ll meet when she starts her new job, they’ll all be tripping over themselves to get a piece of her. She won’t be on her own for long, that’s obvious.

“No,” I growl at John. “I can't let that happen. I’d kill any fucker who went near her.”

“Then I suggest you give some very serious thought to what I've suggested as a solution to your dilemma. Right, I think we’ve gone about as far as we can for now, you need time to think through everything I’ve said, so I’m going to leave you now. I want you to take some time out to really think very hard about where you see your life heading from now on, and how you could adapt to include Anastasia in that life. I’ll call round again tomorrow morning, then you can tell me how you’re progressing.”

“Sorry your weekend’s been disturbed, John, and you really don't need to call by tomorrow. Taylor overreacted today, and he overstepped his duties.”

“No, Christian, Taylor was just doing his job.  He couldn’t afford to hesitate or take a chance once he’d assessed what he saw as a potentially dangerous and life threatening situation. And actually, as it turned out I was glad for an excuse to escape from home to be honest with you – Rhian’s mother is visiting.” He grimaces at me. “And I will call in tomorrow, because you still owe me a tour of your apartment. I think I need to see inside your playroom, after everything I’ve heard about it. Also, it’ll help me to understand what Anastasia must have felt when she walked in there for the first time.”

“You’re just looking to bump up your bill, you’re up to your old tricks again, John. But okay, I’ll show you round my playroom tomorrow if you want, and who knows, it might help you to discover your inner Dominant. It’s there in most men, even if it’s hidden deep down.”

“Very deep down in my case. But all joking aside, you know you can ring me at any time, Christian. Oh, and if you don't want to give Taylor a heart attack or send him prematurely gray, I suggest you stay away from broken glass and your balcony area for now,” he says wryly, as we head towards the lobby and shake hands.

Taylor, alerted by the CCTV camera trained on the doorway, comes out to escort him. I notice he actually goes down in the elevator with him, no doubt to try and get the inside track on his fucked up employer that he’s stuck babysitting. 

Hopefully Flynn will reassure Taylor that I’m not as Looney tunes as he thought I might be, and he can get back to being his usual impassive self. Then we’ll both feel a hell of a lot more comfortable around each other. 

The strong silent type is so much more him, rather than Oprah fucking Winfrey.

~~~

By early afternoon I’m sat in my office, having eaten the sub roll Gail insisted on making for me for lunch. She and Taylor appear to be making themselves busy, but they’re both still hanging around the apartment. 

I think Taylor’s dropped from DEFCON1 to maybe a DEFCON2 or 3, having probably already secretly done a sweep of my study, maybe even the whole apartment, to check for potential suicide risks. I figure that’s why Gail is still in the kitchen, to guard the knives, I joke to myself. Is it a joke though? Don't they have anything better to do?

On my desk in front of me I have Anastasia’s MacBook, her cell, the car keys, and the Blanik glider model kit with her little handwritten note to me. I open my desk drawer, and take out the Cartier box that contains the diamond earrings I was going to give her to wear tonight.



I’ve got my cell back from Taylor now, so I call Andrea.

“Make my apologies for tonight’s fund raiser.” I can't face the idea of going to it now. I go to so many of these things I can't even remember what this one is for.

“Oh, right Mr. Grey. But I thought you were going with Miss Steele… I did confirm the details with you…” Yes I know, about three fucking times.

“Just fucking do it, Andrea. Neither of us will be attending. I’m sure you can come up with some plausible excuse.” I slam the phone back down on the desk, having no wish to explain anything further to her.

Next, I check the updates from Ana’s surveillance team. I know she’ll be on her own, because Kate’s away on vacation in Barbados now. They report that Ana hasn’t left the apartment since Taylor dropped her back. She’s probably sleeping, as neither of us slept at all last night, and she needs a lot more sleep than I do. 

I hope she’s eaten something, although I suspect she probably hasn’t. I wonder if she has sufficient supplies. Perhaps I could get something sent over to her. No, the way she was acting when she left, she’d probably throw it over whoever delivered it.

I open the Cartier box to look at the diamond drop earrings. I’m pleased with how my design turned out; they made a good job of them. I was really looking forward to seeing Anastasia wearing them, to seeing her all dressed up, wearing a beautiful gown, and walking into the fund raiser on my arm. 

She would have made the evening fun, instead of interminably boring as usual. That sums up what Ana did for my whole life really. In such a short time, she made it fun instead of boring, she made my life worth living. Like I told her, she breathed new life into me. She swept away the boredom. 

But now – nothing. Back to the ennui that has plagued my life for as long as I can remember.

I snap the box shut and put in back in the drawer. How am I going to get through this?  Is what John suggested possible? It all comes down to a simple choice, as far as he’s concerned. I can have Anastasia, or I can have my BDSM punishment kicks, but I can't have both. 

So basically, I have to choose between them. I was kidding myself before if I thought I could persuade Ana to accept my needs, and the way he explained it, all that would be doing was perpetuating a cycle of violence and abuse. I’d be her abuser, and she shouldn’t be sucked into that kind of life just for me, should she? 

But am I a strong enough man to be able to give up that side of things when it’s all I've known for so long?

My cell buzzes. I see that it’s Elena calling, and I answer it.

“Christian darling, how are you?”

“Oh you know, could be better,” I sigh.

“What do you mean, ‘could be better’? I thought I’d call you to see how your trip to Georgia went. Was the young lady pleased to see you? How are things progressing with her training?”

“We broke up, Elena,” I whisper. Each time I have to say it out loud, I think my chest is going to explode from the pressure I feel as my heart lurches painfully.

“Oh no, Christian, why? What went wrong? You said things were going so well between you,” Elena sounds shocked.

“I did like you said. I showed her how bad it could be, and it was too much for her. So she left me.” I don't need to explain any details to her; she knows what I will have done, although by her standards she’d think I’d been very easy on Ana.

“What a shame for you, although I can't say I'm that surprised, to be honest. This is what happens when you pick a girl who’s not already into the scene I suppose. Well, at least you found out before things went too far, although when I spoke to your mother recently, I gather this girl had met your family already, which surprised me.”

“Anastasia. Her name is Anastasia. And yes, she met my family. My mom really likes her.”

“You never normally introduce your sub to your family, and now I expect you regret taking this… Anastasia home. It just makes things messy and complicated. Of course your mother has no idea of the type of woman you really require to be able to cope with your needs, does she? Perhaps now you’ve got this girl out of your system, we can get you sorted out with a more suitable new submissive, and things will soon settle down again for you.”

“Anastasia was much more than just a sub. She was my girlfriend. I haven't ‘got her out of my system’ and I don't want a fucking new sub. I want Anastasia. Just her,” I shout at Elena.

“Christian! Calm down. This is exactly what I feared would happen when you’re not having your needs taken care of appropriately. Your frustration gets the better of you, and makes you wild and unreasonable.”

Flynn's words from earlier today come back to me. He’s made me curious.

“Why did you make me your submissive, Elena? You know, when I was that fifteen year old boy in your back yard? What did you get out of it?”

“I saw great potential in you. I knew what would work for you; I knew exactly what you needed – a very firm hand to set you straight.  And I was right, wasn’t I? Look at you now, one of the richest, most successful young men in America, and yet you could have so easily ended up in the morgue, the way you were headed, if I hadn’t stepped in when I did.”

“Yes, but what about you personally. What did you get out of it? How did you get into the scene in the first place?” I persist. I’ve never really questioned her about this, I've just accepted it, but Flynn has got me wondering now.

“Whatever has brought all this on? You know I've never gone in for all that hearts and flowers rubbish. I worked out early on in life that nobody ever really means it, it’s pathetic and it’s not reality. Sexual needs and desires – now they are the reality. That’s how our bodies are designed, and the more you understand your body and how to maximize your pleasure, the better things are. No messy complications. And I had my sexual needs, which Linc soon lost interest in fulfilling. So I went looking for other ways to have my needs met. And just as you eventually discovered your dominant nature, so did I. So when I heard all about you from your mother, all the problems she was having with you, I was intrigued. I like a challenge, and when I met you in my yard, I just knew that it would work perfectly for both of us if I took control of you.”

“So you’ve never been in love?” I ask.

“Don’t be so ridiculous, of course not. Oh, wait a minute. Don't tell me you actually imagine yourself in love with this girl, this Anastasia, do you Christian?”

“That’s what Flynn figures. He says that’s why it hurts so fucking bad now Anastasia’s left me, because I’m in love with her. Elena, I’m dying here, I'm in sheer fucking agony, because there’s just a big gaping hole in my life now. All I know is I really want her back, and I'm thinking maybe I’ll do whatever it takes; you know, not expect her to have to do everything I like. I’ll try and manage without some of the really heavy shit. ”

I'm tentatively running this by Elena, to see if she thinks I can do it. I wait for her reaction, although I’m pretty certain what it will be.

“Christian, this is just a case of you wanting what you can't have. Never mind what that quack Flynn tells you, he’s just a stuck up British nobody, the latest in a long line of shrinks wanting to cash in on you with their latest theory. Like the SFBT. Maybe she has a point. I really don’t know why you bother with him; he doesn’t know you like I do. You know how you like the thrill of the chase with all your business deals, and this is no different. You’d be bored rigid in a vanilla relationship within a few weeks, and then you’d be frustrated and angry again. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about here. I know you better than anyone else, don't forget, even your mother.”

Is Elena manipulating me here? Why is she so adamant that I can’t possibly try to work things out with Anastasia? John seemed so positive that it was at least worth trying. Now I'm really confused again.

“I don’t know, Elena. I think I just need some time to try and work things out in my head, you know?”

“Okay, but I trust you’ll soon come to your senses. Just think about all the things that you like doing best, and how a good submissive will comply to give you exactly what you need. Maybe in a couple of days, we can start selecting one for you. Then we'll soon have you sorted out and back to your old self again. Cool, calm and in control.”

“Good bye, Elena.” I can’t stand to hear any more of her talk about a new submissive, so I finish our call.

~~~

Do I really want to be my old self again? Or do I want to try for a whole new me, one that just might be acceptable to Anastasia? That is the question I think about as I put together the model of the Blanik L23 during Saturday afternoon.

I have the music from my iPod set on shuffle as I work, and today so many tracks seem to hold a message for me. The Morgan Taylor Reid track ‘Where Do I Even Start?’ The Script ‘Breakeven’. ‘Iris’ by The Goo Goo Dolls. And then the Michael Buble track – ‘You’ll Never Find Another love Like Mine.’ I guess emotional turmoil helps people write great music tracks.

It’s a very fiddly job putting the small pieces of the model together, especially with the band-aids I have on my fingers due to the cuts from the broken glass. But that’s good, because it means I have to concentrate. I want to get it right, firstly because I am a perfectionist, and secondly because it is a precious gift from Anastasia to me. A reminder of a happy time. I have her note propped up on my desk.



This reminded me of a happy time.
Thank you.
Ana

I'm a loner, not a team player, confirmed only too painfully for me by my experience on the rowing team at Harvard, where I soon ended up rowing solo after fighting with the other team members when they behaved like dicks. 

But I discovered that it was so much more fun for me when I shared the glider flight with Ana, rather than going solo. I’ve always been a very solitary person, happiest in my own company, but it turns out I’d really like to have more days like that with her.

Sharing. What’s the point of everything I have, all the money and possessions, if I don't have someone special to share them with? Someone deserving, like Anastasia. Priceless works of art hang on my walls. I have my own helicopter and private jet. Sports cars. A Penthouse suite here in Seattle, homes in New York and Aspen. 

And yet this little model glider that cost just a few dollars means the world to me, because of who gave it to me. Once I’ve completed it, I clip it onto its stand and leave it on my desk in pride of place to admire. I love it.


 I would email her to say thank you, and start one of our witty email conversations that always make me smile, but of course with her MacBook right here in front of me, it would be pointless. I miss this contact, I love her sense of humor, but I guess she wouldn’t want to hear from me anyway. Maybe it is too late for us to try again, even if I do what Flynn suggests and make her a new offer. Maybe Elena is right, maybe I should forget about her and move on, take a new sub. But I just can't.

Then I hear Ana’s cell buzz, and when I look, I see she has a new text message. I’m guessing she’s forgotten that all her calls and messages are being forwarded to this phone. She is pretty hopeless about things like that.

I look to see who the message is from. Kate.

Having gr8 time here. Hope ur OK. Don't let obscenely rich bastard grind u down. Give him swift kick in nuts from me if he is. Kate.

Typical Kate. I think she would want to give me more than a swift kick in the nuts if she knew about the punishment beating I gave Ana in my playroom last night. It's alright, Kate, Ana ripped out my heart instead

I wonder how long it will be before Ana realizes she’s not getting any calls or messages through. Well, until she does, I can monitor them. Her phone is nearly dead, so I put it on charge.

The surveillance team have sat outside her apartment all day, and report that no one has been in or out at all. I begin to worry and order them to find some pretext to get her to come to the door, to make sure nothing has happened to her.  

They report back that they got her to come to the door by pretending to have a delivery for her, and that she gave them short shrift when it was the wrong address. I can’t see her very well in the footage they took, but it looks like she’s in her old PJ’s, and at least she seems okay. Good.

Gail makes me macaroni and cheese for my supper. She knows this is one of my favorites and often makes it for me. I have no appetite, but I eat it to please her, then I order her to go back to her own living area.

“Please. You have already exceeded your duties. I'm just going to be working in my study for a while, and then I shall go to bed. I insist.”

“If you’re sure, Mr. Grey. But if there is anything, anything at all you need, please don't hesitate to call me down. How are your hands now, sir?”

“My hands? Oh you mean the cuts?” I look down at them. “They’re fine. Thank you for dressing them. It was very careless of me, and I apologize if I alarmed you and Taylor unnecessarily. It was all just a misunderstanding,” I try to reassure her. By the doubtful look in her eye I can see she is not convinced, and reluctantly heads off to her living area. 

Taylor is in his office as usual. I saw him adjusting the angles of some of the CCTV cameras earlier, under the pretext of ‘regular maintenance’. I suspect he is trying to monitor me more closely. Back to DEFCON1 it is then

If this carries on, I am going to have to order him to back right off, because he will do my fucking head in, even if he is just doing his job. Doing it too fucking well, that’s the trouble.

Back in my study, I see there is a mountain of work that has built up when I check my laptop. A few emails can be dealt with quickly. I forward quite a few on to Ros to handle. I expect she’ll wonder why, but she’s more than capable of dealing with them – that’s why she’s my second in command.

Anything relating to the takeover of SIP I handle personally. Whatever happens between Anastasia and myself, I will continue to monitor every aspect of her life, to ensure her safety and well-being. That’s what stalkers do. And control freaks. So naturally I’ll be covering everything twice over as I’m both.
~~~

I put off going to bed as long as possible, knowing that my bed is going to seem empty and too large. I go into Anastasia’s room, and lie down on the bed we shared last night. I bury my nose in her pillow to try and catch the last remnants of her special sweet scent. I managed to stop Gail from changing the bedding in here just in time earlier. She gave me a funny look, but did as instructed and left the bed alone. 

The arnica and Advil are still on the night stand next to the bed. Ana never took the tablets or let me massage her with the arnica. I hope she’s not in too much pain today. Physical or mental pain. She seemed so cold and distant when she walked out, as if she was already shutting me out of her life. She said it was to protect herself, and she wouldn’t even let me touch her. I couldn’t help thinking and hoping that maybe if I could hold her in my arms again just one more time, maybe she would come round, and maybe somehow we could fix things. 

But really, I knew it was impossible. Now I can't hold her again, ever. Not unless I can change for her. And I'm not sure that is even possible. I found her bathrobe earlier, and I’ve got that in here with me, as I can smell her scent on that too. The best scent in the whole world. Anastasia.

Obviously I’m going to miss the great sex between us, but if you ask me what I'm going to miss the most, it would unquestionably have to be sleeping next to Anastasia, and waking up next to her. Ironic really, as I always thought it would be impossible for me to share a bed with anyone; that I would always sleep better on my own. It came as a real shock for me to discover that I always sleep far better with Anastasia next to me. 

Maybe it’s because I'm really tired, not having slept at all last night, or maybe it’s the calming effect that Anastasia’s scent always has on me, but I fall into a deep sleep in her bed. For a few blissful hours, I escape from the world. But then it starts as it always does.

“Where are you, you little shit? I’ve got something special for you. Come out and see. It's no good hiding under there, you’ll just make the punishment worse for yourself if I have to drag you out.” 

I can see he’s got the belt in his hand.  His favorite tan leather belt with the big buckle. He drags me out. I’m wearing just a pair of dirty old shorts, and the blows start raining down on my bare back, the leather cutting painfully into my skin. 

He reeks of cheap bourbon and tobacco. When he’s finally done beating me, he lights up a cigarette, and as I lie on my back on the floor whimpering, he rests his boot down on top of me to keep me in place. 

He slowly smokes his cigarette, taking his time, as a cruel little smile plays around his mouth. When he’s finished, I watch in horror as he brings the glowing end of his cigarette butt towards me. He slowly stubs it out on my chest, laughing as I scream in agony. 

Out of the corner of my eye, I can see my mommy sitting huddled up in the corner, completely out of it. I try reaching out to her, for her to help me, but she just stares blindly at me in her drug induced stupor. I scream out to her, begging her to help me….

I wake up drenched in sweat, woken by my own screaming. As I sit up in bed, I see Taylor in the doorway.

“It’s okay. Just one of my nightmares,” I explain. He knows only too well about these, and doesn’t usually come in to check on me these days, but obviously DEFCON1 includes checking on the boss when he’s having a nightmare. “Really. Just leave me. Please.” He slowly walks away, shaking his head.

I reach over to Ana’s side of the bed, but of course she’s not there. I try desperately to smell her on the pillow, but I can’t find her scent any more, it seems to have vanished now. The pain and grief I feel is overwhelming and unbearable. That’s when I feel the tears start. 

She’s really gone. I’ve lost her. She’s left me. I sob into the pillow, just as she did yesterday. The tears stream unchecked down my face, as the sobs wrack my body. The emotional flood gates are finally opening up to release the hurt and pain and loss that I’ve kept so tightly locked away for so many years. I find letting go like this cathartic, but also immensely painful, and I’m glad no one is here to see me like this.

And then it suddenly hits me, with a sickening jolt. The belt I instinctively chose to use for her punishment. The belt that I hit Anastasia with yesterday. 

It’s the same as the one in my dream, the belt that he always beat me with. I’ve turned into him. I'm as sick as he is. That’s how she felt when I beat her yesterday. Scared and in pain, just as I did when I was that little boy having the shit beaten out of me.


My sick shit is even worse than I’d realized. 

This is wrong. This has to stop. Flynn is right. 

This cycle of violence and abuse has to end. Somehow I have to find the strength to fight my addiction to inflicting painful punishments, just as an alcoholic has to fight his addiction to drink. 

And I have to hope and pray that I can somehow convince Anastasia to forgive me and give me another chance.



I don’t own any of the Fifty Shades Trilogy or the characters therein. They belong to E L James. I’m just borrowing them for fun and not for profit. Please refer to the Legal’s page for further details. This work is not to be copied or reproduced in any way without permission. 


It seems that any new comments added for this chapter aren't showing, maybe due to the volume already there. I do, however, still get to see them via email notification, and still enjoy reading your comments. 

303 comments:

  1. OMG!! I can't beleive this chapter is up! I can't go to bed now!! I have to stay up and read it.... Thankyou Thankyou Thankyou!!!
    I have my tissues ready, I just know this is going to be a tough one to read, but here goes XXXX

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  2. Its midnight here and i have been refreshing the page in hope you would put part 2 up, and you didnt disapoint,loved the banter between Flynn and Christian, its good that someone tells him how it is. How jealous is Elena, she must of had a bad life. Its good to see Gail and taylor there for him. Its good to know he has a heart and cried so he knew deep down he loves her.... Another instalment very well written thanks heaps, im going to dry my eyes now and go to bed and dream about Mr Grey xxx
    Night Chez

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  3. This chapter is so beautiful!
    I've read other fanfics in Christian's POV and the majority had him go into a complete tailspin and emotional breakdown.
    Your take on the breakdown is what feels to me like what Christian would really do...imagine himself in complete control, when he's really not...rationalizing his lifestyle when he clearly would rather have love...
    The wind up at the end of the chapter is perfect. It's exactly what Christian needs to turn him around...it makes perfect sense that he suddenly wants to "try More."
    BRAVO!
    Bing M

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    Replies
    1. Also, having him speak to both Flynn and Elena gives balance to the chapter...both sides of the coin, so to speak.

      I logged into the blog 2minutes before I got the email notice of the posting...maybe it's just a lag in the sending due to the volume of stuff on the net now in the UK due to the Olympics?

      Waiting with bated breath for the next chapter...
      Bing M

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    2. I hope we will see more? Please tell me there will be Book 2?

      Delete
  4. Ahhhhh brilliant as ever I'm totally hooked....keep up your impressive writing.... Tash x

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  5. I love all this original stuff that we've never read about before. I really bought the crying scene - it came from a dark and hidden place.

    Taylor's concern is touching and Elena was suitably evil (love the pick).

    Colin Firth as Flynn? Two thumbs up. I loved that he challenged him by asking him if he wanted another man to step in his place.

    “No,” I growl at John. “I can't let that happen. I’d kill any fucker that went near her.”

    Awesome!

    His getting christian to ponder Elena's motives was genius too. She is an abuser.

    The most breathless part was the flashback to Christian as a child - so very well done (and heartwrenching). The connection with the belt was powerful. How did you think of that?

    Even little touches like Kate's text were outstanding. I also want to thank you for updating so quickly. I know it must be tough to get the job done. I have written a 200K fan fic myself, and it took me every weekend for 6 months!

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    Replies
    1. Yes, the writing does take over your life, doesn't it? All the other fanfiction I've written (non Fifty) has never been as all consuming as this has become! But I'm really enjoying it, especially the chapters where I can write more of my own take on things.
      I always thought it slightly odd that Christian used a belt on Ana for her first beating as he never really mentioned it before. And then I re read the prologue of Fifty Shades Darker, where the pimp uses a belt, and that's what my imagination dreamed up.

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    2. Like I said great writing...nver would have made the "belt" connection....makes a whole heap o sense!!

      Delete
  6. Fantastic. Such an amazing LONG chapter,I'm hooked. Please pleasevkeepthrm coming.

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    Replies
    1. Glad you appreciated the length, so to speak ;)

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  7. Thank you!..Thank you!!...Love, love, love Flynn...HATE.. HATE.. HATE.. Elena!!
    What is ther to say aboout Jason and Gail they are more than just employees....

    Another GREAT chapter...keep them coming!!

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  8. Sweet googly moogly! That was amazing. You are really at your strength when you're free to explore what we don't already know. I'm hooked!!

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    Replies
    1. The best bit for me is when I have more freedom to write something new and fresh to bring to the original. Glad you liked it :)

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  9. This is without a doubt your best chapter of them all. Entirely original but still in character (visit from Flynn - well done!)and just... deep. The fact that you had minimal info and text to rely on really helped you bring out your version of the day.
    Sad, sad, sad. If only there were a happy ending ;)
    Oh well, I shall await the next chapter to see what comes to pass... LOL.
    Great work and thank you!
    n-boston

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    Replies
    1. Thanks. It's fun trying to be creative with just a few dropped hints to work from ;)

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    2. n-boston, my partner in crime, excellent observation.
      Kirsten

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  10. Fantastic chapter - your writing is amazing can't wait to read more
    Well done I love reading from Christian's POV. Love your take on Flynn and also that cow Elena, yip what you have written sounds just like her

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    1. Yes, Elena's had her claws into Christian for far too long hasn't she?

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    2. Outside of the "bitch slap" from Grace...i just wish someone would have given her a serious ass kicking...but then the story is not about her..is it?

      Love your writing!

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  11. Wow! First off, I am really amazed by the way you write Christian's POV. The quality of your writing is really excellent. You've really given Fifty Shades of Grey a whole new dimension. This story is just so good, I love all the details you've put in here, Christian's inner musing, Taylor and Ms Jones' concern for him, his conversation with Elena, that amazing part with Dr Flynn and of course, how Christian arrived with his conclusion at the last part. You have one brilliant mind! :) I want to thank you so much, we all appreciate the time, effort and the thought behind this wonderful chapter. You truly are, without a doubt, a talented writer. I hope you can publish your own book in the future.

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    Replies
    1. Well, thank you kindly. My next project will be to get on with my own original work :)

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    2. I would so want to read something original for you! Please post it here [or a link to it] when you do, so I'll know it's up! (:

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  12. Thank you again for an amazing chapter yet again,so well written and again kept to the original books story.I am loving what you are doing please dont stop at the end of book one you MUST carry on..Thank You once again you are an amazing and talanted writter.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks - I'm continuing for now anyway. I just want it to get boring by just repeating everything again.

      Delete
  13. Thank you thank you thank you for this chapter....I have been checking my emails and this blog at least 10 times a day for a new update! I think I almost drowned myself with tears but it was soooooo amazingly well written. It's so sad but intriguing to have an insight into Christians part. It just helps me understand more where Christian is coming from. Thanks a lot for writin it. I really and truly hope you love writing it as much as I love reading it...coz reading this just mind blowing.

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    1. Hi Drashti. Yes, I love writing it, couldn't do it otherwise :)

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  14. It's crazy how we all know how the story goes yet you've manage to keep us all on the edge of our seats just waiting for the next chapter. I'm addicted we all are!!! Thanks for doing this and writing for "us" your fans. I love it please continue!

    Michelle

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  15. just brilliant,but i shouldn't be suprised anymore as every chapter is exceptional!!! I am obsessed with this story!!! Either reading a chapter or waiting anxiously for a new one to be posted!!! I love how Taylor is so protective over Christian, its super cute!!!! But poor sad Fifty!!! You just wanna hold him tight!!! x

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  16. This is one awesome chapter! Hurrah for Flynn. He may succeed( no I really mean will) in helping our poor Fifty see the light. I cry right along with his agony and it's written so well. You are amazing. I share his pain. I want to comfort him just like his loving mother. I'm anticipating the next chapter. Hope it's soon.

    Nan :')

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    1. Hi Nan. Flynn is perfect at dealing with Christian isn't he? Must be the British talent shining through. Not that I'm biased at all.....

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  17. Holy crap!!!! I know past chapters I've said each one is my favorite, but I think this one is! I LOVED it. I've got tears and goose bumps! I loved the whole Flynn convo. I want to bitch slap Elena! And I am so sad for Christian and happy he is realizing all this stuff out and seeig Elena for what she is slightly. And I was so happy seeing more into Christians nightmares and mind. Loved this chapter! You are amazing and can't wait for the next one! Simply beautiful writing and you know exactly what we want to read about and know! Thank you so much! Never stop! Amazing, amazing, amazing!<3 Sam x.

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  18. Fifty, Fifty, Fifty...yes you do have a heart, and it's a big one! Outstanding chapter, Mr. Grey! I plan to read it, and well as the book(s)
    for the 4th time until you send me that delightful email telling me it's TIME for MORE! Thank you again for keeping these delightful characters around for us to enjoy~

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  19. great chapter!! I was so excited to see an update. I just love the insight you are giving us into Christian! I love how Dr. Flynn is getting Christian to see that he can have the relationship he wants.

    Your writing is amazing!!

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  20. Awwh, thst was brilliant!!!! Really loving the view from Christian's mind. You're a fantastic writer. Looking forward to the next chapter!!!

    Alanna

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  21. So good! Beautifuly writing! Very deep and heart wrenching!!! Can't wait till Part III. Thank you

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  22. This is better than the books. When you're done writing fanfic KEEP WRITING! Cori

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  23. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek cannot wait for part 3 loved it!

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  24. Sobbing like a baby , love it thanks x

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  25. Beautiful chapter!! My heart once again wrung out. Very, very well done!!

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  26. Loved it, my heart is aching for him. Waiting for part 3.

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  27. OMG, what a tear jurker, your are amazing xx

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  28. Great chapter! I loved the insight to Elena and Flynn. Like how he is moving on

    T

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  29. Such a good chapter, as always. LOVE, love, love it. Christian is just so..amazing. Though the crying part I didn't really like, just because when Ana asked him in Fifty Shades Darker if he ever cried before he said he didn't and then after he tells her all about why he likes to hurt her [or his subs] then he cries and it was so powerfull and knowing [that in you version] he cries here, in my opinion it takes the powerfulness [is there such a word?] out of it a bit. But that's just a small detail.. as I said I LOVE your story... I felt sad for finishin reading this chapter so........... Please update soon? [no pressure though! haha]THANK YOU [again] FOR WRITING THIS WONDERFUL STORY!

    Tal

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    1. Christian has kept a few white lies from er in the books. And in this fan fiction. Him crying could be another.... I liked he cried. Showed how truly messed up he was about the situation and his feelings and realizing he needs and wants more...

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    2. The this is, I don't think this is something he would ant to hide fron her,,, why would he? He wants her so bad the understand how much he loves [in FSD]her and how bad he felt when she left, so if he would have told her he cried it she'd understand better..
      Anyway, I guess the writer here simply forgot about it, as I said it's just a small detail(:

      Delete
    3. Fair comment about him crying in Darker, you are, of course quite right. I do try to keep things true to the original as far as possible. But I also want my chapters to ring true, and this is the worst time of his life for him. He's experiencing emotions he's never had before, and they help to unlock other emotions he's kept bottled up. So as I was imagining and writing it, that's what happened next. He cried into his pillow, just as Ana had the night before. Most men will never admit they've cried. Maybe when it happens with no witnesses, it doesn't count. Hope it didn't spoil it for you.

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    4. NO! It didn't spoil at all haha as I said I LOVE IT. That's fine and you can do whatever you want, it is after all your story.. Sorry if my comment in any way was out of place, offensive or made you feel like you have to explain yourself..

      Tal

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    5. No Tal, not at all, I welcome frank and honest comments from anyone and everyone, so please feel free to go ahead and say what's on your mind at any time :)

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    6. I don't think that Christian would admit to the cry when she left. Honestly, when he said in Darker that he couldn't remember crying ever, I didn't believe that to be the case. How could he have not totally broken down when she left? He omitted to save face....IMHO.
      K

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  30. That was worth the wait, even though I was literally going crazy waiting. I cried when Christian cried, reading about his pain is heartbreaking. But he seems to be coming around. Keep it coming, and dare I say it...Quickly! Sorry I am being selfish about your time but I am so engulfed in this story. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I shall now get back to work.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Brooke. Glad you enjoyed it. Perhaps you need to get into
      delayed gratification?

      Delete
    2. Maybe your right but I thought I would seize the moment. "Carpe Diem!" ;D Still can't wait but your writing is worth it.

      I love that you had Christian cry, it shows that he could no longer hold that pain inside. And what men fail to realize is once it starts all your other strong emotions start pouring out of those tears as well. Great job, but he would never admit to Ana that he cried, no matter how much he loves her. He's still a man!

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  31. my heart broke with his

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  32. Yayyyyyy!!! thank you for yet another awesome chapter.. Your writing is amazing and draws the reader in as if they are watching it unfold right before their own eyes. I can't be enough.. How you brought Taylor, Dr Flynn and Gail into this breakup was genius..
    Tears and bright smiles from Florida.....

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    1. Hope they are good tears, over there in Florida :)

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  33. Excellent work! I is so great to be able to feel what CG was feeling when we already know how Ana felt. Love it and can't wait or the next! THANKS!

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  34. He cried! aww. . . great chaoter cant waiy for the next one leading to the beginning of the second book :)

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  35. Oh your writing made me fall in love with Fifty all over again as he finds his way. I just want to cheer him on. Oh and love Jose's new middle name....thank you so much!

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    1. Ha -do you think that middle name is on Jose's birth certificate?

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    2. Let's put it there, he can use the inital if he wants. Jose F. Rodriguez.

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  36. I loved this chapter,I too wanted to cry with Christian.Beautifully written, can't wait for Chapter3.

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  37. Oh my another great chapter. This one really gets into Christian's mind and most importantly his heart. It made me cry but at the same time it made me glad to see that Christian is going to fight for his relationship with Anastatis. I love your writing and can hardly wait until the next chapter. Thank you so much.

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  38. Fantastic! Keep it coming. This is "my addiction!"

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  39. sara from the uk :)August 1, 2012 at 5:55 PM

    wow loved it cant wait for part 3 :) also i never had an email:( xx

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    Replies
    1. Hi sara. Sorry about the email - I have another issue now - too many emails to send out, so gmail block them. Grrr. I'm looking into other solutions - I always post on the facebook page and tweet when there is a new chapter posted, if that helps at all.

      Delete
  40. Freakin' AMAZING!
    I was in tears from start to finish!
    "More" please!

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  41. Wow!! I really felt the pain! I was happy that you added what Flynn thought of the Troll Bitch. I always thought she was a......manipulating, sneaky, selfish, self centered, mean, deranged, out of reality BITCH! I loved how you added Taylor and Grace into this as well. My heart is breaking for Christian right now. He has always thought that the pedophile was his only friend, as we can see this is not true. I felt many emotions while reading this and only a talented writer can make the reader feel that. So I stand and applaud you! Take a bow it is very much deserved! Thank you, Laters Marcia ;)

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  42. Amazing,Fantastic and Wow inspiring! This is all you! no footsteps to follow and what an awesome job you have done! We love you and your words! Thank You, Thank You a zillion times.
    Liz

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  43. OMG..i love christian...thank you so much for this chapter...please update soon...ur amazing writer..looking forward for more.. xoxo jhen :)

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  44. There it is...Again!!! Another Amazing chapter!! The talk between Flynn and Christian is perfect! Even the talk with Mrs. R is perfect..Christian slowly realizing that he is, in fact, in love with Anastasia..Love it!! Christian missing her, needing her, loving her...Perfection!! I cannot wait to read part 3!
    You never disappointing!! Anxiously waiting for more...Thank you!! =)

    Jaz

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    Replies
    1. Hi Jaz. It's an old fashioned love story when all is said and done isn't it? But one with lots of smut too ;)

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  45. omg ..cant wait for the next chapter x

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  46. Fantastic chapter - I really loved Flynn in this - we don't see enough of him in the books and its awesome to hear him bring Christian down a peg or two! I did always wonder if Christian would cry when Ana left and the way you wrote in his breakdown was perfect - I could so see Christian finally facing the truth, that Ana had gone. Fab work!!!

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  47. I love Christian!!! I look forward to the next chapter!!

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  48. Amazing amazing thank you! Looking forward to part 3!
    Alison

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  49. I Am loving this!!!! lots of tears with the last two chapters!!

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  50. Absolutely awesome!!! Best chapter yet!!

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  51. what is your Twitter account to get updates? Thanks!

    -Sammie K

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  52. They get better and better. My life stops when I read your work. Thank you.

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    1. I do hope you're not a brain surgeon....

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    2. I'm so glad I'mnot the only one, i feel like Christian, stalking your page and my email for the next chapter. I haven't even breathed until i read the last word, this tale is enthralling. I loved some of the aspects i never considered, like Elena's manipulative ways. And how Grey never even thought about how she continues to manipulate him, despite him being so powerful and rich, which opens him up to being vunerable and not being as in control as he thinks he is... Brilliant!!!

      Liz

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  53. TALENT! Yup, that's what you have my dear! I think each chapter just gets better and better. Loving your creativeness, which really shines in this chapter! I also appreciate your attention to the little details of the original (like the connection with the belt). I really like the fact that you have kept as close as possible to the original while adding your own flare which makes it even better! Keep up the awesome work! Thank you! Curious12 (Mandy)

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  54. Omg... Tears and my heart aches!! Please keep going!!

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  55. Oh my. You have infused this chapter had such insight and depth. The conversation between Christian and Dr. Flynn was brilliant. It was so interesting to see Dr. Flynn literally present the option of another life to Christian. To see a person who is so brilliant in some ways, begin to see the world of possibility for himself is a journey in a of itself. Then when you capped off this new thinking with his conversation with Elena...wow. I think you know that I've been working on Elena's influences, past and, ultimately her abuse of Christian. I was glued to the screen as I saw him begin to question the difference between abuse and what he considers to be almost an obligation to be a dominant. You are illuminating his character as he comes to see the light of his past. This is never more evident than when he connects the belt from his dreams and the belt he used on Ana. Yes, he has seen himself poorly in the past but to suddenly see the connection between BDSM and abuse to someone who abhors pain such as Ana is unreal. You have taken a time where he is in abject misery and elevated it to a time of discovery. I know you have heard praise for your work, but truly, I cannot imagine how much potential you must have. Think of this work as a connection to your other possibilites! It's just wonderful to be able to read something of quality and deep intelligence. Bravo dear writer friend! As always, much thanks, Beth

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    1. Hi Beth.Wow, thank you indeed for your praise as a fellow writer.I just remember Flynn saying to Ana that her leaving was the best thing to have happened to Christian because it forced him to reevaluate his life. Elena was such a huge part of his life for so long, she had to be in there, meddling. I am looking forward to reading your work, and I hope you can understand why I'm waiting to read it :)

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  56. Oh no wow poor Christian how said is this chapter thank you so much for ur blog :) xxx

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  57. sara from the uk :)August 1, 2012 at 6:45 PM

    wow cant wait for next chapter thank you

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  58. Oh my poor Christian how sad I so log ur blog thank you once Agane xxxx

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  59. Oh my poor Christian how sad I so log ur blog thank you once Agane xxxx

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  60. Just brilliant! Part one and two have been amazing. I can't get enough.thank you!

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  61. found your story a week or 2 ago and am enjoying your writing very much - love reading Christians thoughts - much clearer and deeper than I had imagined while the books - thanks!

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  62. Yes!!! This chapter is completely awesome. It fills in so much that you wonder about. I've enjoyed them all!! Joanne G. Mid-west, U.S.

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  63. This is so much better from Christian's POV! Ana's side always felt so... Empty and a bit rushed at times. You're doing a great job, I'm obsessed!!
    Please let us know when you decide to share some of your other work, I'd LOVE to read it! Thank you thank you thank you!

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  64. Breathless and in tears.....thanks for doing this...next chapter, please.
    Joyce

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  65. omg!!!!!.HANDS DOWN TO YOU. BEST CHAPTER SO FAR!! VERY DEEP AND EMOTIONAL!
    PLEASE COMPLY THESE SO I CAN PURCHASE FROM YOU, SERIOUSLY I WILL.
    AWESOME WRITER U ARE!!
    NEVER IN MY WILDEST DREAM, I PICTURE CHRISTIAN CRYING.....

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  66. This chapter made me cry. I love this blog and this man, especially the way you have delved into his "soul". Thank you, thank you for writing this. I am grateful!

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  67. Brilliant chapter, I havent touched the original trilogy since discovering yours, Ive read them twice and was about to start them a 3rd time but havent as its your blog is what i want to read now. I love how you write christians pov, its so him. Keep up with the amazing writing and i cant wait for the next part.
    Ps Colin Firth as Dr Flynn - yes please ;)

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    1. Yes, I'd have Colin as my shrink any day of the week!

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  68. Thank you for continuing with Christian's journey. What a breakthrough!! Great way for him to gather the facts, analyze them, get other opinions (Flynn's and even Elena's) and then realize that he actually can and wants to change! When I first started reading Darker, I almost felt that he was ignoring Ana's wishes to be away from him and was arrogantly and domineeringly just taking charge of her life. Acting as if her wish for the breakup didn't really happen. Although the books later get into his feelings about how it was so awful for him, I didn't fully believe it until reading these past 2 chapters. You shed so much light on him and his actions for me. THANK YOU and keep up the great work!!

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    1. Yes, he becomes a man on a mission, doesn't he? Thanks for reading and commenting :)

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  69. OMG! This is fabulous! I just want to give him a big hug. You make him so real. Thank you!!

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  70. Oh my word, this chapter is honestly magnificent and brilliantly written. It has made me so emotional and honestly was cathartic for me as I think that I got some of my own "issues" of neglect and abandonment that I feel to wards my father worked out while sitting here crying. No not crying, it was more like bawling my eyes out like a little baby. I could honestly feel Christian's loss and despair, especially during that last part. Don't get me wrong, I never had to deal w/ physical abuse, but my Dad was very emotionally abusive. I thank the good lord that I have broke the cycle of abuse never wanting my children to feel or go through what I did. It is strange because I never really realized I held so much anger and resentment to wards my mother for sitting by and allowing him to treat us that way until she came to me and apologized for doing so. It was after they were divorced and I was an adult w/ children of my own. Thankfully she and I are still best friends and closer now than ever, but let me tell you my own version of the good Dr. Flynn helped me work it out. Speaking of Dr. Flynn, I thought that he was amazing in this chapter. The way you wrote him and the things that he said were beyond brilliant. I loved how he was actually able to make Christian see that Elena might just have been in the wrong. Elena in this chapter was such a devious bitch, I also love that Christian is starting to wonder if she is being one. I actually hate her even more now!

    I want to thank you so much for this chapter. It was tragic but healing. I am honestly starting to wonder if you should bill me for how much therapy I got out of it, lol! It really was brilliant and I am so excited for the next part, I am hoping that Christian gives Dr. Flynn a tour of his playroom. I love your version of Dr. Flynn he is just so wonderful, I can't get over how much you have him bring to this story. Thanks again Sweetie!

    XOXO,
    Ang

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    1. Wow Ang. I never imagined such an effect, but if it helped you in any way that is truly amazing. The thing with people like Flynn is that they can stand back and see things that you can't when you're involved in it yourself. You're stuck in the same old habits and behaviours, with no reason to change. My hook for Flynn's involvement in this chapter was him telling Ana that her breaking up with Christian was the best thing she could have done for him, because it forced him to confront his issues and try to change his behaviour. He was basically brain washed by Elena from the age of 15, wasn't he?
      I'm so glad that you are close to your mother now, maybe the problems brought you closer together in the end?
      Take care my friend.

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  71. Oh my sweet Jesus. I can't even put into words what I am thinking or feeling. WOW. What an amazing chapter.

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  72. Well done, excellent writing. It's difficult to write transition chapters like this and you have done so well. I do like reading a characters back story and I did wonder in Freed, how someone as fixed in his ideas as Christian would make so many changes in order to win Ana back .
    They both bore some responsibility for messing up, Ana for not safe wording and CG for agreeing to do his worst. The crisis acts as a catalist for change and you convey this so well.
    Kim Catrall would make a great Mrs R good choice.

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  73. OMG!! Speechless!!! You nailed it my friend!!! Keep them coming!!! update soon please!!

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  74. OMG I felt sooo bad for Christian, he's hurting :(

    I wondered how Christian felt and how he overcame his feels for BDSM and Ana, and you did an amazing job writing it.

    Please hurry and get the next chapter up.

    ~Annalee

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  75. OMG was nearly in tears reading poor Christian ,
    Keep up go work
    Hurry wit next chapter

    xxLisa

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  76. This is so great. I have always been one for the damaged bad boy with the soft marshmallow centre and Christian is exactly that. His journey to find himself is my favorite part of 50 shades, so following the journey from his point of view is just great. I kept checking the scroll bar to make sure there was still more to read- I read way too fast in effort to get it all in and left bereft when I am finished- so thanks for a long chapter. Can't wait for the next one. Also love Grace. Great work. S.

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    1. I like that description 'damaged bad boy with the soft marshmallow centre'. Must admit I have come across some rough diamonds myself in the past - blokes who look like they look would beat you as soon as look at you, but actually were wonderfully soft once you got beneath the tough guy exterior. Great combo.

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  77. OMG! another great chapter! omg omg omg

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  78. Hi Christian! This is the first time I had ever comment on anything. I am not going to go into details of how wonderful you writing is because it is already obvious. I just want to ask if you can post a picture of Collin Eddleston as Christian and Shiri Appleby as Ana. Shirks ha's such soulful eyes (even if they are not blue) that I think are very mesmerizing. Thanks

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    1. Thanks for taking the time to comment. Colin would be great wouldn't he? I don't know Shiri Appleby, I'll have to look her up. Can they change brown eyes to blue with contacts? Ana has to have the big blue eyes, I think that's a must for me ;)

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  79. Somehow every chapter you write is my favorite. This was just perfect. The whole conversation with Dr. Flynn just blew me away. He really explained the reality of Christian's relationships with both Ana and Elena like Christian needed to hear. And Elena, I swear she's the devil. One of the most depressing thoughts was him running out of Ana's scent from the bed sheets. I won't lie, I've slept cuddled to a pillow wrapped in one of my husband's shirts when he was out of town so I understand how comforting just that one small thing can be. Keep up the great work and thanks for taking the time to write this story.

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    1. Thanks Jennifer. I think smells are incredibly evocative aren't they?

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  80. Loved the chapter and I can't wait for more.

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  81. Omg!!!!! Amazing again!!! Can't wait to keep reading your exquisite work!!
    Leissa Mc
    (down under) :-)

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  82. Connecting the belt with his nightmarish childhood was simply beyond brilliant. It may very well be one of the only ways of explaining how Christian has quit that harsh punishment aspect cold turkey. It makes the most logical sense that he would now HAVE to turn from that lifestyle. A choice he is clearly making for Ana, but more importantly for himself. To break the cycle, to not become his abuser. Really wonderful. Also enjoyed that he is finally having an ah ha moment with Elena and whether or not she is being ,manipulative. He's still not totally there obviously, but the seed is planted. The back and forth with Flynn was excellent. Even enjoyed Christian's objection to the extra charge for the home visit. We know he doesn't give a s*!t about the money, but he enjoys the back and forth with Flynn. It is in these unscripted chapters we get to see the real quality of your writing abilities. Thanks again for your time and insight. Kirsten

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    1. Hi Kirsten. I think for Christian, making the connection with the leather belt is truly going to shake him to his core. Sometimes it takes a simple trigger to bring home something that has been right there staring you in the face all along. And of course it ties in completely with what Flynn has been trying to get him to see, so he really has no option but to quit. Just my take on it anyhow:)

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  83. I love, love,love this chapter!!!!!!! It has to be my favorite so far, great job and please keep them coming. Sooners rather than laters.
    Janet

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  84. Just brilliant! Loved the details your giving us on Dr Flynn and even that she-devil Elena! It all makes perfect sense. Especially the way you tide in the belt with Christian's abuser and his weapon of choice he used on Ana. Christian is having a major breakthrough! Can't wait until he fully accepts he loves her and he is going to get her back that no other man can have her! I always thought it would be wonderful to be able to know what Christian was thinking in FSD in regards to Ana and their future. It was clear when he took her to see the house that he was fantasizing about a future with her for sometime. Also early on Ana asks him where he plans to hang the portraits of her and Christian was evassive. I think even then he dreamt of living in a house with her and that's where he would hang the pictures. It takes him a little while to actually admit to Ana that he loves her but I always got the impression he knew but was scared to actually say it. However, when he would say things like, "Do you know how much you mean to me?" it was his way of trying to let Ana know. I'd like know what he is thinking and I'm hoping he won't be clueless. It's totally hot the way he has fallen in live with her. It would make a lot more sense that he was thinking and dreaming about "more" possibillities with Ana then when he abruptly asks her to marry him. Just a thought and suggestion for the future. Your doing an amazing job. EL James couldn't do better! I really appreciate your efforts!

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    1. Thanks Susan. I think lot of very macho men find it very hard to actually use the 'L' word out loud to begin with. But then when they do, it means so much more than when a man glibly says on practically the first date 'I love you'. Just my take on things :)

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  85. What s moving chapter! As always you have done another excellent job! I loved the part where Christian just gives and and cries....such raw emotion. In reading it I could feel his pain. Thank you for writing!

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  86. As others have already said...this chapter was amazing!!! Christian's psyche fascinates me, and this was a very well-thought-out and well-written look at his mind. We can see the wheels turning as he thinks about the things that Dr. Flynn has said, and as he realizes how his childhood abuse is playing out in the present. We clearly see good (Dr. Flynn) versus evil (Elena), and how Christian is stuck in the middle. Everything you have written about Christian's reaction to the break-up seems very true to his character, and very believable. Great job!!!
    B.in NYC

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    1. Thanks B. I think we could all do with a Dr. Flynn in our lives at times couldn't we? I hate to think what his charges are though!

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  87. Another amazing chapter!! I loved how you put in all of the details with Dr. Flynn and his entire conversation with Christian. That was amazing, especially because I was curious to see how the days when Ana left Christian would go. You did an amazing job, as always! I can't wait for the next chapter. =)

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  88. I was totally enthralled reading this chapter. You have given all the characters such incredible depth that I have to remind myself that they are not real. Your writing of Flynn was so spot on. And yes, he has to be Colin Firth! I'm really enjoying your hard work.

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    1. Yes, Colin Firth for Flynn, although someone suggested Clive Owen, and I think he'd be good too.

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  89. Thank you for this wonderful chapter and like so many I love the interaction with Flynn. You have made my birthday by having this up today. Thank you once again and please keep writing.

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  90. Sigh . . . Breathe, Mapili, Breathe.

    Once again you’ve written a wonderful chapter. I LOVE how your story builds so much more depth and understanding into Christian. I am in awe of you!

    Please don’t stop with part III; we HAVE to hear Christian’s version of their reunion, and the pissing match with Jack, and getting married, and Blip, and the kidnapping … oh, just EVERYTHING!!!

    p.s. But I am NOT in awe of Blogspot. I’m subscribed and following but didn’t receive any notification of this chapter. Lucky for me I’m taking website stalker tips from Christian.

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    1. Forgot to add ...

      I know you're trying to watch the Olympics too but you could write during commercials, or better yet, tape everything and watch uninterrupted sometime in the future after the trilogy and Grace's blogs are finished.

      ;^) (<--- yes, smirking)

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    2. Hi there. Stupid Blogspot and stupid gmail for making it so complicated to send out alerts!!! I'm really sorry about this. I've given up relying on blogspot, so set up my own alert email.BUT due to the volume I'm sending out, Gmail blocked the third batch as an anti spam measure. I have to be careful or they could block the whole account.I do always post about new chapters on Facebook, and send out a tweet, so maybe that might be an option for you?
      Again, apologies - it is driving me nuts!

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  91. OMG... I feel his pain. Please continu writing. Your such a great writer. Thank for writing !!!

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  92. Wonderful story. You really are so creative where ELJames did not go into detail.. It is so in o I character. Flynn was spot on showing the cycle of abuse through Elena himand thepimp. You have such a great handle on this. Looking forward tomyurmtake on the next hard four days Chrisitan is by himself trying to figure out how to get her back!


    Thanks

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  93. Do you feel you have such power over us? You command us to cry, to laugh, to be happy and to hope for more? Yes you do. With this great writing you take control and lead us on this journey. We are happy to be with you all the way.
    Another awesome chapter! I laughed and cried and wanting for more.
    Kim

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    1. Kim, I think it's you lot who have the power over me, demanding more all the time! Seriously though, I'm just thrilled that so many people are enjoying reading this as much as I'm enjoying writing it. We're all on a journey together. It's one heck of a responsibility though, making sure each chapter is up to scratch to keep you all satisfied, when you all know the books back to front and inside out!

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  94. AMAZING as usual! I am completely addicted as I have read and re-read these 28 chapters. Thank you for filling a need that was left empty when I finished 50 Shades...Keep up the awesome work!

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  95. All i can say is wow ... That was amazing

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  96. Awesome!! Please continue on with Darker and Freed!! You are such a talented writer!!

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  97. I LOVED it!!! I've got
    tears and goose bumps!!! I
    loved the whole Flynn conversation!!!
    I wanted to bitch slap Elena!
    !! I am so sad for Christian
    and happy he is figuring all
    his crap out and seeing Elena
    for what she is a little bit. And I
    was so happy seeing more
    into Christians mind. I also liked the part about his nightmare where you gave more info into what happened to him as a child. Loved this chapter!
    !! You are amazing!!! I can't
    wait for the next one! Beautiful writing!!! You
    know exactly what we want
    to read about!!!
    Thank you so much!!! Please don't ever stop!!! Amazing, amazing,
    amazing!!! <3

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    1. Thanks Cathy. Funny how no one feels sorry for Elena, who really is just as f***ked up as Christian. But it just isn't possible is it?

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    2. She lost that when she molested a 15 year old!!!!! Tared and feather if you ask me!

      T

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  98. wow, once again another excellent chapter. i loved his converstion with flynn, flynn making him see that he is capable of breaking the cycle of abuse and have more with ana. love that flynn was making christian see what a manipulative witch elena truly is and the damage she did to him and i love how he already likes ana. im glad i know christian loves anna deeply or i might find his behavior creepy as hell but i just cant, he loves her so much and thats where his actions come from. hes damn near proud of being a possessive, obsessive control freak, i had to laugh. like you, i to did not believe for one second he was in the dark about her movements during the breakup. its good ana had no male visitors during this time, christian would have blown a gasket, he was livid at the suggestion of another man moving in. i also love the sweet moment at the end of him trying to catch her scent and him having a good cry and vowing to make it better. cant wait for more :)

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    1. You're right, I don't think Christian sees anything wrong in being controlling and a stalker. He would probably argue that being controlling is how he's become so successful I suppose :)

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  99. Part 2 is amazing!!!!!!!!!!!

    Thanks can't wait for Part 3......
    Jen

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  100. Thank you so much. You truly capture the essence of the entire book in this one chapter. This is not a book about sex, BDSM, SFBT etc. It's a book about love and what two people have to offer one another for the other to be whole. Thank you so much for verbalizing and putting it in to words. This is why I so love the character of Christian Grey. And the fact that Colin Firth is Dr Flynn doesn't hurt either although, he will always be my Darcy.

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    1. I agree totally with you. It is a Romantic story with a capitol R. That's why we love it. And of course a good helping of great smuttiness too. But never gratuitous sex, imho.

      Darcy....have you read any of the hundreds of smutty/erotic P & P continuation stories? I think they were all penned after seeing Colin Firth as Darcy ;)

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  101. Oh wow.. I just sat here and read the whole book's worth of chapters, and I am crying almost as much as I did reading Ana's side! This was so well written.. I am looking forward to and hoping for Christian's pov for the next two books, also...

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  102. Waiting for the next installment.... Impatiently. Well done :)

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  103. Once again, you are amazing!! I love your writing in Christian pov!! I'm impatiently waiting for part 3 to be up :)

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  104. Amazing!!! What can I say that has not already been said? I agree with it all. I have to say I enjoyed chuckling when Christian equated Taylor to Oprah. I also felt the way you tied the belt into his self realization at the end was perfection. I've always wondered myself why he chose the belt and not the cane for that scene in the RRoP...now it makes perfect sense. These chapters have been so worth the wait. I continue to be grateful that you willingly share your gift for writing with us. Thanks, Melissa

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    1. Hi Melissa - yes, using the belt didn't make sense to me, so there had to be another explanation I decided :)

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  105. Oh wow. That chapter was amazing ( as they all are ). It was so emotional and i loved the heartbreaking insight into Christian's childhood.I was crying with Christian when he was sobbing into his pillow. I also loved the part when Christian was putting together the glider and compared to his houses, jet and charlie tango, the glider was the most precious of all. Brilliant.
    Love love love your blog.
    Im usually into delayed gratification but I cant wait for part 3 and all the other chapters to come.
    Thank You xx

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    1. Thanks Amy. I think the trouble when you're a billionaire is that everything becomes worthless in a way. You can have whatever you like, you don't have to save up or wait. So yes, the glider would be special, wouldn't it? Glad you liked it :)

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  106. Thank you once again for a very emotional chapter..i was in tears reading about Christians childhood..please keep up the fantastic writing.I can't wait for part 3! xxx

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  107. Thanks for another brilliant chapter. Your writing is so in depth and emotional. E L James may have set up the foundations for Fifty Shades but your fantastic writing is so much more!

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  108. I really am enjoying reading your blog from Christian's POV, you seem to capture him so well. Well done

    I really hope E L James is reading too.

    I have one question that i am dying to ask you..... Are you male or female? I only ask because you write about Grace like a women (in my opinion anyway) and then you write Christian's POV brilliantly too.

    Your biggest fan :-)

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    1. Hi there. I am definitely a female (think maybe of a blonde version of E L James kind of image)but I have a very good source of info for the insight into the male brain. Oh, and a stupidly over active imagination that has got me into all sorts of trouble for day dreaming over the years. Concentrate during an important meeting at work? Nah, too busy imagining a great storyline. I also enjoy people watching too, and it's amazing what you pick up from that.

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  109. How well you've captured the pendulum of emotion in the immediate fall-out of a break-up. Slivers of hope, soon dashed, then back to the black. Amazing, utterly, amzing.

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  110. as usual you never fail to reach me, my hearts crying for you, so well written as always cant wait for the next chapter.

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  111. I'm all caught up. I wait with bated breath for your next words to flow across my screen. You are a wonderful writer and I enjoy your story sooo much! I imagined what Christian went through when Ana left and your words explained it so well. Oh, and how Taylor sat with him and and got personal-that's was fantastic! I loved how Taylor called him Christian. Please stop reading our comments and get back to writing...I demand it!

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    1. Ooops, sorry I forgot to sign my comment... Thank you again, Dina

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    2. Thanks Dina, it's always nice to have your name.
      When Taylor used Christian's name, I think maybe he was using his hostage situation training, where they try to establish a personal link - use their name, maintain eye contact. Maybe I have just been watching too much of Spooks!
      But I think it will be back to sir, or Mr Grey from now on, as part of the expected protocol, along with the immaculate dress code that Christian insists on.

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  112. As much as I loved the books, I am totally addicted to your writing. Well done! More please :)

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  113. First, I took some time to really digest this truly MEATY chapter. I read it through the first time (just to find out what happened next) and then immediately went back and re-read the last 3 chapters. It's so hard to post transitional chapters without it feeling (at times) disjointed, but you should be very proud of what you have accomplished here. All of your original words and plot threads are very seamless. It is really quite brilliant, beautiful writing that is so intelligent and well thought out.

    I wanted to comment about what another reader said in regards to Christian crying. Yes, he cries later on in FSD, but as a Registered Nurse, I would offer up that when Christian breaks down, he is in the midst of a TRUE existential crisis and it happened just prior to a HUGE, life altering breakthrough. So one could argue the he truly repressed his cathartic crying. I have seen many cases where the person in question doesn't remember some of the details that happened during their "crisis."

    I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE how your Flynn has pointed out to Christian the cycles of abuse between him and Elena. She was abused by her father & husband, then she became the abuser of Christian. Christian was abused by his mum's pimp and Elena, then he became the abuser to all his subs. Elena TRULY is a sick individual, as she has said in her own words, "she has created him." I believe she has brain washed him for all these years. His responses to pain, pleasure and his beliefs on behavior have all been shaped by Elena and are very Pavlovian in nature. Its textbook 101 in classical conditioning. Only when Flynn pointed out Elena's modus operandi was Christian able to step back and question her motives - Flynn has planted a seed of doubt.

    I think the most powerful bit of writing was in the way you describe the tan belt. I wouldn't have remembered that if I hadn't gone back and re-read the last 3 chapters to get one uninterrupted period of time. When Christian punishes Ana, he automatically goes for what he describes as "his favorite tan belt and that it feels like an old friend that feels comfortable and reassuring in my hand." And then what is remembers of his dream and the Pimps belt, describing it as, "His favourite tan leather belt with the big buckle." What an explosive, life altering breakthrough, to know that you have turned into the person you loath more than any other in your existence and that you have reduced the most important person in your world to the same, dirty, scared, abused four year old that you were is powerful, powerful stuff.

    So now his Saturday is complete, he has had this incredible breakthrough, made a decision to stop the cycle of violence and "sort his shit out." So next comes Sunday and (as a nurse) I believe that often times just before one makes the decision to change is when he hits rock bottom. That's not to say that the work involved in changing isn't hard, but Christian at least can know that he's working TOWARDS a goal, which is what SFBT is, envisioning were you want to be, and what you have to do to get there.

    Finally, I just have to say I loved Christian's thoughts in regards to Taylor declaring a "DEFCON1" and Gail staying close to the kitchen to "guard the knifes." That was funny, funny shit. I laughed so loud at that point, it was like a breath of fresh air in such an emotional, heavy chapter.

    I also had a thought when re-reading the last 3 chapters. During Christian's run, when he was trying to figure out why Ana finished the punishment without safe wording, I found it sad that he never had the thought, maybe she did it simply because she loves me and she knew I needed it. Hopefully, now that he has had this breakthrough, he will start making connections. Perhaps, when Flynn takes a tour of the playroom and they talk on Sunday. I am extremely excited for that conversation.

    Until next chapter...*giving standing ovation*

    Cheers, Adrena

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    1. Hi Adrena. Wow. It is really helpful to me to have your views as a registered nurse, and to know that this chapter worked in your professional opinion, because I guess I'm just drawing on my own life experience when I'm writing Flynn, as well as researching on the web of course.
      I think Christian will indeed hit rock bottom with some serious self loathing when he realises what he has become. He will have to question so many things he has accepted as normal for him - so calling Dr. Flynn - again.
      Thanks so much for your insightful comments.

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  114. I've read all three books and re-read them like four times and didn't shed a single tear.....And this chapter broke me down...Poor Christian!!! Emily :-(

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  115. Thank you for another AMAZING chapter!!! You are a very talented writer! This is by far my favorite chapter. I love how Dr. Flynn (execellent choice for the great doctor), and Christian have that good doctor/patient bond. Dr. Flynn pointing out how Elena has became the abuser, is showing Christian who she really is. If it was possible I'd love to slap Elena myself =)

    Can not wait for the next chapter! Keep up the amazing writing!!
    -Shannon, California USA

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    1. Thanks Shannon. I think there is already long queue waiting to slap Elena, so get in line!

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  116. What a powerful chapter. Long and very satisfying. I really felt closure to Saturday in this chapter. The insight that Flynn gave Christian was very powerful. He has given Christian the power to change the future--to break the cycle!! In many families, there is a cycle to be broken. I can relate to this as I grew up in a family with a very controlling father--who caused us much stress. I declared to break that cycle when I became a mother--I broke the cycle. I can't wait to hear what Flynn has to say about the playroom. What a powerful break through when Christian realized that the belt he used was the one from his dream. Can't wait to read the third part of this change in Christian.

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    1. Hi Mary. I'm touched that so many of you have opened up about the cycle of abuse that you have personally experienced, and confirmed that it is possible to break that cycle.

      I just hope I can do part 3 justice now.

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  117. Ahhh I'm so excited! I literally cried reading the last two chapters. So sad, to read what Anna goes through in the original books and then to come here and read what happens to Christian, how torn he is when she leave, and that he cries because of the loss of her. Ah, brilliant. Hope the next chapter is up soon!!! i can't wait!

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    1. The next chapter going to take some writing, so I can't promise it will be up for a little while yet. But I know you will understand :)

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  118. So loved this chapter! Especially showing both sides of Flynn and Bitch Elena however I'm surprised that Christian's control freak news just didn't take over immediately to win her back!!! Great writing! I would suggest to try to keep Christian rom sounding so British. We don't holiday we go on vacation and call round, we stop by, drop by, etc... But I'm a huge fan!!!!

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    1. Fair point, well made! Always good to be corrected on any British-isms like 'holiday' that have slipped in, and I've taken it out now, so many thanks for that. But as Flynn is a Brit, I purposely have him using Brit expressions such as 'call round'. Actually, I originally had him saying 'call by', but then felt it was wrong for a Brit to say that.
      Two nations divided by a common language!
      Thanks for commenting ;)

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  119. I feel like a child at Christmas anticipating every chapter!!! You are doing an amazing job with Christian's perspective. I hope the movie producers find and hire you before they start making the movie for the insight alone on his character.

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  120. This Chapter shows me the hold she has on Christian! The man was so dominated by Elena it took years to get him out. It was such a sick love obsession had for him. Flynn has this way of waking CG up. Taylor & Gayle are such the rock for CG. Now I can not wait for the reunion! Now since the piano is what relaxes him to help him in his thought process I would envision him playing everything or listen to some crazy rap or rock to help calm him or throwing things in the playroom. I want to see him just lose it! See how the belt was so violet. Ok I am not the writer just a fan! Love I say it again I love this BLOGGGGG

    Laters,
    T

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  121. You are so talented, please continue giving us our daily fix that is Mr Grey. Loved all the chapters, the last 2 being the best as you show us how he became 50 shades of fucked up. Thank you xx

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  122. More, more, more! I can't wait for the relief of them seeing each oher again! It's interesting how Elena is showing her true colors now! Did I somehow miss the part where Christian punched his hand through a window?

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  123. Sarah www.facebook.com/fiftyshadesofozAugust 3, 2012 at 3:34 AM

    Christine, he threw the shampoo bottle in the shower and it smashed, he cut his hands picking up the pieces.

    I am so in love with this blog, my heart is in so much pain for Christian, He's just so confused and I want to hug him and tell him its ok. I'm so glad that he has finally cried.

    Everyone on my fb fan page, love your updates. Keep up the good work and until next chapter,

    Laters, baby.

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