29 July 2012

Chapter 27 Purgatory Part 1 - Eternal Darkness


Once Anastasia has walked out of my playroom, I just stand there, stunned and at a loss to comprehend what has just happened between us.

It was her suggestion that I punish her to demonstrate how hard it would be. I checked with her again before she entered my playroom, and she still gave her consent. At no time did Ana ask me to stop, neither did she use either of the safewords, or give me any indication that she didn't want me to complete the six lashes with the belt.

And yet she reacted so badly afterwards, looking at me with pure hatred, as if I was the devil incarnate when I tried to congratulate her for being so wonderfully brave for me. What is she thinking now? Where has she gone? Has she run? 

What do I say to her?

I should have known better. My gut instinct was to slowly work up to this point, and yet I rashly leapt straight in with what she clearly deemed too harsh a punishment, although I wouldn’t have categorized it as such. I thought I took it pretty easy on her, compared to how Elena treated me when I first became her sub. But I have to keep reminding myself of how inexperienced she is, how I'm taking her to a dark side that she is totally ignorant of - she is still such an innocent in the world of BDSM.

Ana was crying and sobbing, so I know she was upset, but she also sounded angry and well... almost disgusted with me.

This is what you really like? Me, like this?’

I try to work out how I feel about this. Of course I hate to see her upset and distraught. But the honest truth is that I enjoyed hitting her immensely. I always enjoy giving a well-deserved punishment; it gives me an unequaled high. That’s the way I am. I need it. I just wish she’d taken it better. I really thought she had, seeing as she didn't protest at the time. She just obediently remained in place for me to complete her punishment, so how was I supposed to know?

Well, you are one fucked-up son of a bitch.’

I can’t deny that she’s right. I am fifty shades of fucked-up. I warned her repeatedly, so she could still walk away, although I desperately want her to stay, because I am so selfish. 

But she didn't. 

This was the third time that she voluntarily went into my playroom. This is what gave me hope that she could adapt to my needs.

‘Don’t you dare ‘Ana’ me! You need to sort your shit out, Grey.’

She’s right again, of course. But the trouble is, mine is the kind of shit that can't be sorted out. I know this, because I’ve spent years going from therapist to therapist, shrink to shrink. Even the good Dr. Flynn, who is by far the best I've seen, can't straighten me out, despite his best efforts.

I know I can't just stay here in my playroom, wondering what to do. Taylor hasn’t contacted me, which means that no exit alarm has been triggered. So I'm assuming she’s gone back to her bedroom, and I must go find her to check on her and make sure that she’s alright. The welfare of his sub must always be the first priority of a Dom, because she has placed her trust in her Master to take care of her and know what is best. 

I have to see if there is still a way forward for us after this. Or is it the end? I can't even contemplate that thought, so I have no option other than to try to console her and smooth things over. 

Perhaps this will be like the first time I spanked her and she was really upset. Once a little time had elapsed, and she’d had time to think about it, she admitted that it hadn’t been so bad after all. Then she went on to let me give her a really awesome erotic spanking, with the silver balls in place, which she told me she really enjoyed. She is such a brave girl, there has to be a way we can get over this. There has to be.

~~~

I change out of my ripped jeans into PJ bottoms, then go and find Anastasia. She’s in her bedroom, where I thought she’d be, curled up on her side, facing away from the door. I put down the Advil and arnica I’ve brought in for her, then gently ease myself into bed behind her. She doesn’t respond to my presence other than to tense up.

“Hush,” I murmur, as she just lies there stiffly, silently resisting my attempt to get close to her.

“Don’t fight me, Ana, please,” I plead. I can't bear her being like this. She’s always been so warm and tactile with me, and now she’s being so cold.

I manage to gently pull her into my arms, then bury my nose in her hair, and kiss her neck. Her scent is as intoxicating as ever, and I cannot let myself even begin to contemplate the thought that this could be my last fix if she runs.

“Don't hate me,” I plead again.

Ana responds by crying, wave after wave of silent sobs shuddering through her body. All I can do to try and console her is to hold her and kiss her softly, but she remains cold and distant. I don't know what else to do or say. No words can explain how much I want to put this right between us, how much I want her to stay with me and work this out.

But as more time elapses and Ana remains aloof, I’m truly fearful that I'm not going to be able to fix this. I don't have the necessary skills. So we just lie there together, neither of us speaking, neither of us sleeping, but at least she finally cries herself out and relaxes slightly, just as dawn is breaking. 

Eventually, I speak.

“I brought you some Advil and some arnica cream.”

Very slowly, Ana turns and faces me, and rests her head on my arm. I’m not sure what to expect, so I don't say anything. I just cautiously watch and wait for her to say something, do something, anything to give me a clue as to her state of mind.
When she reaches up to gently caress my cheek, and then runs her finger tips through my stubble, I relax a little and let out the breath I didn't even realize I was holding.



“I’m sorry,” she whispers.

Sorry? Sorry for what? Shit, sorry that she’s leaving me?

“What for?”

“What I said.”

“You didn't tell me anything I didn't know.” Thank Christ for that, she’s just apologizing for her harsh words, not saying goodbye. “I am sorry I hurt you.”

“I asked for it,” she shrugs. Then she swallows and takes a deep breath, and I truly fear what might be coming next.

“I don’t think I can be everything you want me to be,” she whispers. No, no, no, don't talk that way, don't start making your excuses to leave.

“You are everything I want you to be.” And more. Much, much more.

“I don't understand. I’m not obedient, and you can be as sure as hell I'm not going to let you do that to me again. And that’s what you need, you said so.”

This is my worst nightmare. She’ll never be able to cope with extreme needs like mine. I’ve been fooling myself all along. She deserves a far better man than me. I have to stop being selfish and let her go. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I have to, for her sake. But it feels like my world is ending.

“You’re right. I should let you go. I am no good for you.”
I see her eyes fill with tears again, as her sweet face crumples up.

“I don’t want to go,” she whispers.

“I don’t want you to go either,” I whisper back, struggling to keep control of my emotions, as I tenderly wipe a falling tear from her cheek. “I’ve come alive since I met you.”

And it’s true. As I gently trace my thumb over that wonderful soft bottom lip of hers, I know that she’s touched me in a way that no one else ever has, or probably ever will again. But it’s all been in vain. I can't be the man she wants or needs.

“Me, too,” she whispers. “I’ve fallen in love with you, Christian.”

“No,” I exclaim in horror. No one can love me. No one should love me. Even my own birth mother couldn't love me, could she?

I’m shocked to my very core by her words. Fuck, no! This is just not possible. No one can possibly love me, she can't have fallen in love with a depraved, fucked up man like me, surely she can see that, especially after this evening? Love only happens to good, deserving people like my mom and dad. They have pure hearts, so they can give and receive love. I don’t, so I can't. It's that simple.  Anastasia is deluding herself if she thinks otherwise.

“You can't love me, Ana. No… that’s wrong.” Don't waste your love on me, Anastasia. I don't deserve it.

“Wrong? Why’s it wrong?” She doesn’t understand. You have to make her understand, Grey.

“Well, look at you. I can't make you happy.” This is the truth of the matter.

“But you do make me happy.” She frowns.

“Not at the moment, not doing what I want to do.”

“We’ll never get past that, will we?” she whispers very quietly.

I shake my head.

Ana’s right, of course. I wish I could dispute this, but I can't. I will always carry this need to punish around with me. I will always want to beat her, whip her, cane her. Much as I might regret my actions tonight, it’s always going to come back to this, isn’t it?

Elena realized straight away it would never work between Ana and me, because she understands the depths of my extreme needs, and she tried to warn me didn’t she?

'You have to be honest with her, and if that scares her off, then she’s not for you, and it’s best that you know this sooner rather than later.'
'You have to make her understand; don't hold anything back, be totally honest and show her, demonstrate to her exactly how extreme your needs are. Trust me, that’s what you need to do, if you’re going to stand any chance of making things work with her, if that’s what you really want.' 

That's why she usually helps me to select a new sub by screening potential candidates for me. She knows the type of girl that will suit me, and her selections are the ones I usually invite for an interview.

It’s clear to me now that I can't possibly make Ana happy, even though I really want to, more than anything.

“Well, I’d better go,” Ana murmurs, unable to look me in the eye as she sits up in the bed. She winces as she puts some weight on her bottom. All your doing, Grey. Proud of yourself?

“No, don't go.” Fuck. I don't want her to go. I can't let her walk away like this.

“There’s no point in me staying,” she sighs wearily. She seems resigned to our fate, as she gets out of bed.

“I’m going to get dressed. I’d like some privacy,” she says coldly when I try to follow her.

So I let her go.

What other option do I have? I can't give her what she needs. I want to scream and shout, to howl in protest at the unfairness of it all, but I can't. I just feel numb, and scared. 

It feels as if the whole world is closing in on me. Life without Anastasia is just too bleak to contemplate at this moment.

~~~

I’m hanging around in the lounge waiting for Ana to return, when my fucking cell buzzes. I want to ignore it, but I see it’s Welch, so I take the call. I’ve instructed him to keep me informed about any intel on Leila the moment he gets it.

“What’s the latest?” I snap.

“Turns out Miss Williams – or rather Mrs. West, ran out on her husband about three or four months ago, which he omitted to tell us the first time we contacted him, even though we informed him that there was  a strong possibility that she could harm herself. Now he’s saying he was well shot of her; that she was a ‘fucking mental bitch’ to quote his words.”

“He said what? Well he could have told us the fucking truth. Welch, this is a real fuck up. Just find her.” I terminate the call. This is all I need right now.

I glance up to see Anastasia has come back into the room. She looks even paler than usual, and her eyelids are puffy, no doubt from crying most of the night. She looks dreadful. This is what you’ve brought her to, Grey. You’re no good for her.

Ignoring me, she walks over to the couch where she’s left the backpack she took to Georgia, and starts rummaging in it. She takes out her MacBook, and heads towards the kitchen. I wonder what she’s doing, but when I see that she’s putting her cell and her car keys on the worktop along with the Mac, I realize she’s intending to give them back to me.

I’m horrified. Why does she feel the need to do this? How will I be able to contact her? I have to have these links with her, she can’t cut me off like this. And I want her to have a safe car. I still want her protected and safe. Why would she think otherwise? Subs always get to keep anything I've given them, and she’s more than a sub. She’s my girlfriend. Or rather, she was.

Then Ana turns to me, and cool as a cucumber, she says,

“I need the money that Taylor got for my Beetle.” Just keep the Audi, for fucks sake.

“Ana, I don't want those things, they’re yours. Please take them.” 
Why the fuck does she even think I’d want them back?

“No, Christian. I only accepted them under sufferance – and I don't want them anymore.”

“Ana, be reasonable.”

“I don't want anything that will remind me of you. I just need the money that Taylor got for my car.” She’s acting so cold and unfeeling. How can she be like this?

“Are you trying to wound me?” This isn’t my sweet Ana, this isn’t like her at all.

“No. I’m not. I’m trying to protect myself,” she whispers sadly.

“Please, Ana, take that stuff.” For fucks sake, just take it.

“Christian, I don't want to fight – I just need the money,” she stubbornly insists, refusing to back down.

“Will you take a check?” Okay, I’ll play along.

“Yes. I think you’re good for it.” Very funny, Miss Steele.

I head off to my study to write out a check. I know Ana has very little money in her account, and I’ve been looking for an opportunity to get some additional funds in there for her.

 So now I write the check out for as much as I think I can get away with her accepting. I’ll come up with some cover story about her old piece of shit car being a collector’s item. 

Actually Taylor told me that it was, but no way did it go for the amount I'm going to give her. But it’s just pocket money to me, and I hate the thought of her struggling and going short, whatever the situation between us. I put the check in an envelope, so maybe she won’t see the amount and we’ll avoid yet another argument.

Then I call Taylor into my study. He’s dressed, but isn’t wearing a tie or jacket at this early hour.

“Miss Steele needs a ride back to her apartment.” I keep my face impassive to try and hide the rising panic I’m feeling.

“Very good, sir.” He shows no surprise at this request at such an early hour of the morning, although I can tell he’s surreptitiously studying my face to try and gauge the situation. I imagine that some of the horror of the last few hours must be reflected on my face for him to see.

“Her covert surveillance team will need to be updated as to her revised whereabouts, and… change of circumstances. She and I are no longer…” I can't bring myself to put anything more than this into words, but Taylor gets the picture.

“I see, sir. But you still want the surveillance team to monitor Miss Steele?”

“Yes, absolutely. Her safety and well-being remain of paramount importance, no matter what the situation... regardless of what has… changed…. between us.” I am just about holding myself together at this point, because it all seems totally unreal. This can't be happening.

“And Taylor, I’m going to advise Miss Steele that you managed to get $24,000 for her old classic Beetle. That was the correct amount, wasn’t it?”

“The exact figure slips my mind. But I’m sure you’re correct, Mr Grey.”

Taylor understands where I'm coming from, and will go along with whatever story is required of him.

I return to hand Ana the envelope.

“Taylor got a good price. It’s a classic car. You can ask him. He’ll take you home.”

Taylor is standing impassively in the doorway behind me, having put his tie and jacket on, in accordance with my insistence that staff adhere to a smart dress code at all times.

“That’s fine.” Ana takes the envelope without looking inside. Good. “I can get myself home, thank you.” Not so good.

“Are you going to defy me at every turn?” She is so fucking exasperating. The least she can do is let me make sure she gets back safely, so I know where she is. And give us some time to scramble the surveillance team.

“Please, Ana, let Taylor take you home.”

“I’ll get the car, Miss Steele,” Taylor commands authoritatively, then leaves. Good man, Jason. Don't take any of that crap from her.

So this is it. Ana stands a short distance away from me, and I just want to touch her, to hold her, but as I step forward, she steps back.

This is all wrong. How has it come to this? How did we get to this point of no return so quickly? How can I let her just walk away from me? How do I do this? But what choice do I have?

“I don’t want you to go.”

“I can’t stay. I know what I want and you can't give it to me, and I can't give you what you need.” Yes, I know this is true, but... I can't let you go like this. I just can’t.

I try again. I want to take her in my arms. I need to hold her. I move towards her.

“Don’t, please. I can't do this,” Ana states brutally, as she holds her hands up to stop me in my tracks.

She picks up her suitcase and backpack, and heads for the foyer. I follow warily at a distance, since she’s made it crystal clear that she does not want me to touch her in any way.

I press the elevator button, and the doors open. She steps in.

“Goodbye, Christian,” she whispers, looking up at me with those wonderful blue eyes of hers, that look so sad and haunted now.

“Ana, goodbye.”

Somehow I manage to get the words out. The light in my world is about to be extinguished, but I just watch, paralyzed with horror, with fear, as the elevator doors close and Anastasia disappears, out of view and out of my life.

~~~

The pain is indescribable. Far, far worse than anything else I’ve ever experienced. I can hardly breathe, the pain in my chest is so excruciating. It’s as if someone has clamped my heart in a vice. An ice cold vice.  

All I can think about is that I’ve lost  Anastasia. I’ve let her slip through my fingers, after having her within my grasp. I’d even let myself think about more with her. Now everything has turned to dust. What did I expect? I don't deserve a beautiful, sweet, innocent girl like her.

I guess I'm in a state of shock, because I'm still sitting in the lounge in just my PJ bottoms, when Taylor returns. I don't even notice him until he discreetly clears his throat.

“I… er… thought you’d like to know that Miss Steele made it safely back to her apartment, sir,” he informs me when I look up.

“Right, yes, good. I’ll leave you to liaise with her protection team, Taylor. Just ensure I get the usual updates.”

“Of course, sir.”

“I’m going for a run. Not sure how long I’ll be,” I tell him. I need to get out of here, to somehow get some air into my lungs to be able to breathe properly.

“I’ll get changed and come with you,” he states.

“No,” I snap at him. “I’m going on my own.”

“Sir, it really would be advisable for me to…”

“For fucks sake! Can I make it any clearer? I said I’m going on my own. ”

I can see that Taylor is alarmed by my mood, but I can't help it. I need to be on my own. I just have to get out of here before the walls close in around me and I start screaming. 

Like I do when I'm having one of my nightmares. Except I'm awake. This is not a bad dream that I'm going to wake up from. This is the fuck awful reality. My whole life has just turned into a fucking nightmare now that Ana’s gone. 

All hope of anything more in my life has disappeared with her. There’s nothing except a yawning chasm of emptiness stretching ahead of me to look forward to. Eternal night and endless darkness.

“Very well, sir. Can I just say…” I glare at him, assuming he’s going to try again about coming running with me. 

“Miss Steele… she was very upset, you know, in the car on the way back.”

He looks at me with what seems like concern. Or maybe pity.

I very nearly lose it then. A wave of despair washes over me. I don't know how to handle this. I've never let myself feel for anyone in this way before, and now I know why. It sucks.

“You can take my calls,” I say, as I throw my cell at him, and then head for my bedroom to get changed into my running gear.

I’m stopped in my tracks as I see something on my pillow. A cardboard box, with a note on top.

It’s from Ana.




This reminded me of a happy time.
Thank you.
Ana

It’s a modeling kit for a Blahnik L23 glider.

I sit on the edge of the bed staring at the picture of the glider on the box. Taking Ana soaring was a happy time for me too, it was one of the best times of my life. No, correction - it was the best time of my life. We had so much fun together. She was so happy. I made her happy and she laughed, and that made me happy. I had so much hope then. 

I should have known it couldn’t last, because even on that day, my bad shit caught up with me, when Leila tried to kill herself. Another life you screwed up, Grey.

It’s a typical, sweet, thoughtful gift from Ana that probably only cost a few dollars. But it’s priceless to me. I can feel myself getting choked up, and I'm horrified to realize that I'm about to cry. That can't happen. I don't cry. Ever. 

There you are, you little shit. Don't bother hiding, because you know I always find you. And it's no good crying for your mommy. She’s not going to help you is she?

I put the box back down carefully on the chest of drawers. I can't deal with this now. I’ve got to get out of here. I quickly throw on my running gear, and head out of the room.

Taylor is hovering in the lobby, clearly waiting to intercept me.

“Mr. Grey, at least take your cell with you, in case you need backup,” he protests, but I just ignore him. Frankly, right now I’d welcome being attacked or mugged, because then I’d be justified in kicking the shit out of someone. Trouble is, I’d probably kill them.

Once I’m outside, I get into my stride and run at a punishing pace. Everything is still going round in my head. I can't run away from that. I suck in great lungfuls of air to try and breathe properly.



Why the fuck was I so reckless and stupid to ruin everything with Ana? But why didn't she stop me, why didn't she safeword? What was she trying to prove?  I believed her when she said in her sleep that she’d never leave me, but she was still out of that door when things got too hard for her. When you got too hard for her, Grey. Don’t blame her.

But what does it matter anyway, because she had to know. My needs were always going to surface at some point. No normal, sane person could be expected to cope with me.

She said she loved me. Is that what she was trying to prove, is that why she let me hit her? If that’s the case, then I've desecrated her love with my depraved needs. That’s why I’m not deserving of love from someone like her. That’s why it’s all pointless. There is no point in going over it. 

I have to let her go, so that she can find real love, not the twisted perverted type she might think she could give an undeserving, fucked up individual like me.  

But I want her. I want her with all of my soul, with all of my being. What is the point of feeling like this if it’s just to let her go? But that’s just it. There is no point any more. No point to anything. 

Life is now pointless.

Without realizing it, I’ve followed my route to Flynn’s office. But it’s Saturday, so he won’t be there. And what could he do anyway? He doesn't have a magic wand to make everything right again. He can't make me into the kind of man that Ana should have fallen in love with. No one can.

So now I head back to Escala, pushing myself even harder. I'm not timing myself, but I’d say I've done it in a new record time by the time I’m walking back into my apartment.

I see the look of relief on Taylor's face when he sees I'm back. He tries to intercept me as I make my way through the lounge.

“Just going to take a shower,” I cut him short as he starts to speak, but then Gail appears.

“What would you like for breakfast, Mr. Grey?” she asks.

“It’s the weekend. What are you doing here?”

“Oh, I was around and at a loose end, so I thought I might as well make myself useful. You know I always like cooking for you anytime,” Gail smiles at me. There’s that look again, same as Taylor earlier. Concern – or is it pity?

 Clearly Taylor’s filled her in about Ana leaving me.

“So what’s it to be? Your usual, sir?” Gail presses me.

Food is the last thing on my mind, but it’s easier just to go along with her I guess.

“Yes, thank you.”

“It’ll be ready and waiting for you when you’ve had your shower then, Mr. Grey.”

I go to my bedroom and head for the shower.

I quickly strip off and stand under the scalding water. Just like Ana and I did yesterday. I glance over to the wall where I took her in such an urgent manner yesterday, when she'd just arrived back from Georgia. She made me feel calm again, once she was back here with me. I'm never going to feel that calmness again.

I’m never going to have her again. I'm never going to touch her or hold her again. I'm never going to bury myself deep within her again. I'm never going to hear that wonderful sound she makes when she comes, ever again. I’m never going to breathe in her sweet scent again, and I'm never going to wake up lying next to her again.

The shampoo bottle I'm holding is suddenly flung angrily out of my hand and smashes against the wall opposite, breaking into a million pieces. I quickly rinse off and make my way out of the shower, scooping up the pieces of glass and putting them in the trash bin as I do so.

It’s so unfair. Call it whatever you want; fucking, or making love, but we were so amazingly good together, even the vanilla. And she wanted me just as much as I wanted her. She was a virgin, she was waiting for me, I was the first man to take her, it was meant to be. We were so drawn to each other, that bond, that electricity. I’ve never experienced anything like it before. So what was that all for, if it’s just going to end between us in this way?  You screwed it all up, Grey. You and your need to beat the living shit out of her.

I dress in my standard weekend attire of white linen shirt and black jeans that I automatically grab out of the closet without even thinking about it.

Another wave of despair washes over me when I realize I'm going to have to tell Mom that Ana and I have split up. She’s going to be so disappointed, and it’s all my fault. I’ve let her down again. Mom was deliriously happy that I’d finally gotten myself a girlfriend, and she really liked Anastasia – well of course she did, because she’s pretty much perfect. My family will probably assume we’ve broken up because I'm gay, and I’ve just been in denial about it. They won't know it’s because I'm a depraved, evil pervert.

Despite my run, I still feel as if I have a ten ton weight on my chest and can't breathe properly. I open the doors to the balcony and step out there. It’s windy, but it’s a bright, clear day. Not a place to be if you don’t have a head for heights, as even the balustrade under the handrail at the edge of the balcony is made of glass, to allow an uninterrupted view of Seattle.


I walk over to the rail and lean over to look below. It’s a long way down. The people look like little ants as they go about their everyday business, while I'm up here in my ivory tower. 

Is this how things looked to the poor souls trapped in the Twin Towers on 9/11? What must have been going through their minds before they took the decision to jump? Once they leapt off, that must have been the ultimate soaring experience, a few seconds of total freedom before a quick end. Not such a bad way to go, considering the alternative of being burnt alive. Better than facing being trapped in purgatory. That’s what it feels like I'm facing now. Purgatory.



“Mr. Grey. Christian. Please move away from the edge.” 

Taylor’s quiet voice interrupts my thoughts.

I turn to look at him in surprise. What is he doing here?

He slowly starts walking towards me, never taking his eyes from my face, never breaking eye contact.

“Just come back inside now. Please, Christian,” he calmly continues, as he reaches me and clamps my arms in a vice like grip.

As I let him guide me away from the edge of the balcony, I can't help casting one last lingering look over the edge, but Taylor pulls me away and guides me back into the bedroom, where Gail is standing waiting, with her hand over her mouth. I see her take a deep breath and force a smile on her face.

“Let’s get you sorted out, shall we, Mr. Grey?” she says, looking at my hands. I look down to see the front of my shirt is covered in blood, as are my hands. I must have cut myself on the glass from the broken shampoo bottle. 

Taylor hasn’t let go of me, and continues to guide me towards the kitchen. He nods his head at Gail, and she goes over to the patio door, locks it, then puts the key in her pocket.

“Did you get through?” he asks under his breath.

“He’s on his way. About twenty minutes,” she replies. Who?

In the kitchen, Gail cleans up the cuts on my hands – they’re only minor, they just bled a lot to make things look worse than they were. She gets a fresh white linen shirt for me to change into, then serves up a white egg omelet with bacon, and some orange juice. 

Taylor sits at the bar next to me, sipping a cup of coffee, while Gail disappears off with my blood stained shirt. For the first time, I get why Ana doesn’t always feel like eating; but my ingrained hatred of waste makes me robotically eat the food, even if I don't really taste it.

“I didn’t know how to cope when my wife left me,” Taylor says, as he stares into his coffee cup.

My fork full of food stops half way to my mouth. Taylor has never volunteered any kind of personal information to me before.

“She didn't like the way I was, the type of man I’d become because of the job I did.”

I recall that Taylor was in the Special Forces, a Green Beret. It was one of the reasons I didn't hesitate to hire him. They don't come any more highly trained than a Green Beret.

“I said I couldn’t change, that she had to accept me as I was. So I lost her. Stupid thing is, after that I left the forces and I had to change, to adapt to life in the outside world. But by then she’d found someone else. Now he gets to be Sophie’s dad every day, while I’m just her occasional weekend dad, if her mom chooses to allow it.”

“I see. And your point is?”

“All I’m saying is, I regret not making an effort to change while I still had the chance of working things out with her. Don't make the same mistake that I did. Like I told you, Miss Steele was very upset when I took her home. So maybe there’s still hope …”

We both look up as Gail walks back into the kitchen – accompanied by Dr. Flynn.

“What the fuck are you doing here, John?” I ask, shocked to see him.

“Good morning, Christian. I thought it was about time I got to see the inside of this luxury penthouse of yours. And very nice it is too - you can give me the full tour later. Oh, and don't worry, I’ll be putting an additional charge for a weekend home visit on top of my normal bill,” he says in his cool, calm British accent, as he comes and sits at the bar and helps himself to a cup of coffee.


I don’t own any of the Fifty Shades Trilogy or the characters therein. They belong to E L James. I’m just borrowing them for fun and not for profit. Please refer to the Legal’s page for further details. This work is not to be copied or reproduced in any way without permission. 

It seems that any new comments added for this chapter aren't showing, maybe due to the volume already there. I do, however, still get to see them via email notification, and still enjoy reading your comments. 

285 comments:

  1. ODear poor Christian as i was ready this i got a tightness in my stomach and tears in my eyes,I loved how Taylor and Gail where there for him and not on his own. Christian does have a lot of people around him that do love him he just doesnt see it. Eagerly waiting the next part of this one, and what Dr Flynn has to say. Another well written chapter....Chez

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    1. I am at my parents house with tears in my eyes. I just can't get enough of Christian and Ana. I hope the writing continues on and on

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    2. Reading it in the book my heart dropped and reading here made me cry.. I always wondered how he was when she was gone after the fight and you did an excellent job

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  2. Oh this is just perfect! I feel like this is what really happened. Thank you, as always I loved it.
    Natalie x

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  3. WOW!!!!!!!!!!! What more can I say. Yet another amazing chapter, I have loved every single word. Can't wait for more!! Thank you a million times over for writing this :-) Anna

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  4. Cant wait for the next chapter :)

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  5. I am loving this. This is the part I have always wanted to know what was going on in Christian's head. Keep up the great work

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  6. Ahhhh...I can't tell you how excited I was to see this and you definitely didn't disappoint! I loved this chapter and can only say that I will be anxiously awaiting the next. Brilliant!

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  7. Beautiful...quiet desperation, no hysterics, achingly sad...I shut my eyes and feel his pain. Well done! - Bing M

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    1. my same exact thoughts...felt every word. :(

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  8. brilliant as usual ..cant wait for the next chapter

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  9. Fabulous, really made me emotional. Can't wait for the next part.

    Julie x

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  10. WOW... AMAZING... I can't wait for the next chapter, you are brilliant :) xxx

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  11. Wow! I love ur chapters. Eagerly awaiting the next installment. Thank u :-)

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  12. Love it! Thank you!!!

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  13. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! I followed this over from fanfiction because this was my absolute favorite story! I loved it more than the original because lets face it, christian is more interesting than ana;) enjoyed every single chapter and this last one just was amazing!
    Appreciate all the time and energy you've put into this. I know everyone is hoping you'll continue, myself included:)

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  14. Excellent detail- The part with him breaking the shampoo bottle, & then not even noticing he had cut himself was a good way to show how out of it he was. Hoping for lots more angst to come!

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  15. Squee!!!! Love. Love. Love. Can't wait for part 2 and more... Thank you.

    Hearts-
    Rayanne

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  16. Absolutly wonderful can't wait for part 2

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  17. So heartbreakingly insightful of Christian's haunted thoughts and feelings!!

    It was glossed over majorly in the book, I really did wonder how could someone with such extreme needs could have such a complete change of heart & I knew something shocking had to have occurred to enable this but oh my God, your chapter has provided us with so much more than I could ever have imagined!!

    Thank God for Mrs Jones and Taylor - they are more than just employees!

    Please keep up your amazing work - it really is the highlight of my week to escape back into Christian's world and twice in one week ... you are spoiling us - thank you so very much!! xXx

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  18. Thanks you for not waiting so long foe the post I hope the next one comes even faster. Taylor always comes to the rescue. I love your writing, i can really feel the emotion. Thank you

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  19. I absolutely loved the ch. I loved the way Taylor and Gail do him compassion and love. You know they truly care for him.

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  20. This chapter makes my heart hurt. Poor Christian.. he's so sad. Loved the shower&balcony scenes, they were very powerfull, and Taylor&Gail are so nice for trying to help him and make him feel better. Oh this is just a sad chapter, but I love it. I can't wait for him to realize that he can indeed live without all the harsh stuff and that he can, indeed love and be loved.

    Tal.

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  21. What a wonderful way to wake up with the new update! Thanks so much. I am crying and wishing Christian and Ana getting back together soon.Everything you said Christian would do was what I thought he would. Oh Taylor and Gail reaction was loving and caring. Heart broken suidicidal Christian was so alarming and real. Great job!!!!
    You are a good writer. You're taking us with you on this wonderful journey. I hope this journey never end. Thanks for your time and love.
    I hope one day we can read your own books. Liked Ana said: just in short time you are becoming a part of our lives.
    Thanks again for quick update but so good as always. You keep up with your high own standards.
    Kim
    P.S: Should I send over one bottle of Valium? Or you rather have more wine??? Well we need to keep you sane around for a long time to enjoy your writing.

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    1. Well I just had a nice glass of Pinot Grigio blush tonight to keep me going!

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  22. I have had a lump in,my throat the whole time. I can feel the emotion in your writing. Thanks!

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  23. I actually cried. Well done looking forward to happier times

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  24. You need to quit your day job. And write (and get paid!!) for a living because you are brilliant.

    Love,
    Michele

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  25. wow what an amazing chapter cant wait for part 2 hopefully wont be too long :) xx

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  26. Wow! Another great chapter! Looking forward to the next ones!

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  27. Crap, I'm hanging! Please hurry, I'm so excited when I see something from Christian Grey in my mailbox. lol

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    1. Amazing cried most of the way through. So glad taylor and mrs jones are there for him. Please please please update soon.

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  28. Oh my what an amazing chapter. Please continue soon. I have goosebumps.

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  29. WOW WOW WOW!
    Drying my eyes as I write this. Magnificent chapter as usual!!
    As much as I love the Fifty Shades books and have read them numerous times I always thought that they would be more interesting from Christian's POV and I'm right!
    Your take on Christian has been outstanding and I have really enjoyed reading this blog.
    I read all 26 chapters yesterday in preparation of chapter 27 and as usual you didn't dissapoint. Please keep up the fabulous writing and I look forward to ....more. Well done

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  30. This was the best chapter yet. I am still crying. It was so sad. But amazing. I'm sorry but you cover all loose ends EL didn't. Things I wanted to know and read. I feel so bad for Christian and seeing him like that. I always wanted to know. And hearing Taylor and Gail with him. Best chapter yet. Amazing work!! Please do the next one quick, lol. Need more. I can't wait to see what Flynn says. Again, I've got so much in my mind to say. But basically amazing sums it up and you capture Christian and everyone so perfectly. Great job! Thank you for keeping this up for all of us! I can't imagine not reading anymore. I am sorry to say. I love FSOG and EL. But your story wins to me. Again amazing and thank you!:-) Sam<3.

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    1. I totally agree!!!

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    2. I feel the same way too

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  31. You put tears into my eyes. Sobbing at times.....I love how you write. Loved that Taylor and Mrs. Jones are there helping him in a way they didn't have to. I salute and THANK YOU! Please update soon.

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  32. I can't add anymore comments that others have not already said. I was excited to see the new chapter, but I feel so heartbroken for Christian. You captured his pain so real, I knew he had to feel lost when Ana left. What wonderful friends he has in Taylor and Gail! I can't wait to see how much they help him get through the next couple of days.

    You are a truely gifted writer!!

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  33. Yeah, I was crying. No shame. That was great.... Taylor and Gail taking care of him and Gail so emotional when Taylor was helping him off the balcony.... just great details. I loved it

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  34. Yep, I cried. Please don't make us wait a whole week for the next part! ;)

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  35. Woah! All of the emotions in this one chapter.
    Poor Fifty still hasn't worked out that he loves her, it's heartwrenching. His self loathing is reaching new heights which is understandable really. If you believe that your mother, the person who is supposed to love you unconditionally, didn't love you, and couldn't chose you over the drugs, the whoring, the despair, how do you then feel worthy of anyone else's love? As f'ed up as that is, it happens.
    Thank God for Gail and Taylor. So distraught he doesn't realize the cuts, and lingers a bit to long over the balcony. Wow! That was difficult to read. Loved Taylor trying to relate to him, and loved the fact they called the good Dr to sort him out. Taylor probably had CG followed on his run. Flynn's cheeky when he arrives and I breathe a sigh of relief that he's there. Excellent chapter, and we are only partially through day 1. So excited to see what's next. Kirsten

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  36. i all ways hated this part ov the book because its so sad , poor ana and poor christian , but its nice 2 read what he was going throw , and as we kow they get bac whoop whoop lol its all so nice 2 c how gial and taylor r around 2 help , not as his help but as friends 2 , well done xxx

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  37. Wow!! I am writing this even before I've taken time to collect myself. This was amazing. I had goosebumps. Finished crying, just as I had during the end of FSOG. What an apt depiction of what was going through Christian's mind and the actions he took just after Ana left. I just KNEW you would do this part justice. Truly outstanding writing here. Thank you.

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  38. I'm still wiping tears from my eyes as I'm trying to type this. (trying to hold it together, given I'm waiting for my flt at the airport) Thank you for updating so quickly. You're an amazing writer. I love you writing. I love FSOG but I think I like this better :) THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

    FYI: this is my daily fix. Please update soon.........-going back to chapter one while I wait-

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    1. I do the same, too, everytime single time...go back to chapter 1 and read all the way to the newest...and I love every minute of it!!!!
      Joyce

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    2. Hope you got your flight ok, and that they didn't think you were in any way off for crying at reading this!

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  39. Well you did it- you made me finally cry great tears! My two year old asked me why I was sad? I sad I just read a sad story, but it was wonderful! Of course my two year old now thinks I am crazy! I have been following you since you started on FF and while many of your chapters have been extrordinay, this is the best thus far, but you are not thru with us yet! The suicidal thoughts, the 9/11 reference, you are so creative. And how he was automatically drawn to go by flynns! His subconscious does want to change! Loved Gail and Taylor looking out for him. Angin he is cared for by many, he just cat see it. Flynn to the rescue. We know he can't let Ana go. Can't wait to see him thinking of her with another man if he does not change. Wonderful writing. Are you sure you are not an author full time? If not you should think about it, after all that is how EL James started out- FF! You could be next!

    Thanks for your dedication to all of us!

    Tara

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    1. lol my 6 year boy asked the same... I felt in the same way you did and you comment is what I want to say....

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    2. Thanks to you both, you crazy mummies! I would love to get my own book out there one day soon :)

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  40. wonderful i have a large lump in my throat i want to hold him and make him better cant wait for new chapter xxxx

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  41. I was so happy to wake up to this update. Thanks, another great one.

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  42. Wow, knowing how dazed and numb he was is eye opening. Since the book made such a jump to his recovery, you made his character so real with knowing how affected he was by what happened. Can't wait to see how he will react to this "intervention" by the people around him. Thank goodness for Gail and Taylor, and Dr. Flynn. Things should get really interesting.
    Sincerely, Lumpy Throat

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  43. OMG this was your best chapter yet! You have such a fantastic imagination. I always wondered what Christian was feeling. You are great.
    Thanks. Looking forward to more.

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  44. AHHHHH!!!!!! That was so sad! I'm crying!! And my husband is totally judging me right now...LOL!

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  45. I can't even describe quite how brilliant this chpater is!!! I was in tears almost from the beginning, feeling like you were actually there watching the Christian we all love fall apart in front of us!!! I love how you incorpoarted Taylor and Gail into it, how they were there for him, i can believe it actually happened that way!!! I was so anxious and cut up i actually had to take breathers whilest reading it!!! I know i'll be the same reading the next 2 chapters but i so cannot wait for them!!! x

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  46. Brilliant!!! I loved how you brought Taylor and Gail into this chapter, really showing they care for Mr Grey.. The depth of emotions I felt for Christian was due to your awesome writing, you can really draw in your readers... Kudos.....

    Drying my tear stained cheeks from Florida....
    ;'(

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  47. what a great way to start my Sunday, reading another of your brilliant chapters. if you are not already writing a book of your own you should be bc you write beautifully! so creative

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    1. Haha, just find me a publisher and I'll write you my own book!

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  48. Another amazing chapter! You write so well I feel like I'm there and part of this story! I had tears forming in my eyes most of the way through this chapter! I can not wait for the next 2 parts. Your writing is amazing! Thank you so much for continuing.

    - Brittney

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  49. Omg I just so love it poor Christian

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  50. Christian, Hello, another OUTSTANDING Chapter, by far the best! I love the way your POV of how you are confused, and hurt, brilliant idea of bringing in Gail, Jason, and Dr. Flynn. What a wonderful way you brought out the feelings of all involved. Exactly the way it should be. I could feel the emotion you put into this. I'll admit it, I cried. I’m totally looking forward to the next two parts. Laters Baby x Joanne T. (Florida) P.S. You really should consider publishing this in a book form, it would be a best seller. xo

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  51. This was exactly the bit that interested me the most...wondering what Christian's reaction was after Ana left. I especially love the bit where the good Dr Flynn popped over and typically British (probably deadpan face too), tells Christian that the visit will cost him extra, haha!! LOVE IT!

    SOOOO looking forward to the next chapter!! You are absolutely amazeballs with your awsome flare for gripping story-lines!
    PLEASE keep writing and thank you for the endless entertainment you provide
    Elody (UK)

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    1. Hi Elody and fellow Brit.

      amazeballs - I love that!

      And I agree that Flynn would be perfect in handling Christian with his dry British humour and wit.

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  52. Woah! I don't even know how to respond. I actually had tears in my eye's when CG thought he was going to cry. And the balcony scene....I'm speechless. You have out done yourself with this one. I actually yelled nooooo, when I saw the scroll bar get to the end. This chapter was absolutely amazing. You are a gifted writer and not just because I am obsessed with 'fifty'. I am sure I am reiterating what everyone who is reading this blog is saying or even thinking, you did very,very,very well with this chapter. This may be EL James' character but you definitely took ownership of him in your writing. Can't wait for the rest...now I shall go wash my face before my husband thinks I'm crazy for crying over this.

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    1. Brooke- I yelled no when I was at the end too. Glad it wasn't just me.
      -K

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    2. I think I'm now going through withdrawals waiting for the next part of this. I have already read this 3 times, even though I know what happens, I need to know CG's journey. Am I pathetic?

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    3. Nope not at all, just enjoying the great writing. Enjoying the emotion it brings. Nothing wrong or pathetic about that. -K

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  53. Aaaamazing! Very well written, you're completely in Christian's head and I love it. Also , I love how Taylor and Gail took such good care of him. You've done such a good job!!!

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  54. wow!!!! that is about all i can say. this chapter was so raw and full of emotion for me. i can imagine this is exactly how he felt after ana left. you did an amazing job at taking us there to see and feel how devestated he was. thank you and again, great job!!!

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  55. As amazing I thought your writing was, I just don't feel Christian would have contemplated jumping off the balcony. He is broken but not suicidal over losing Ana. And to compare it to people jumping off the World Trade Center? As someone who was there that day and witness it, I think that was a bit insensitive. Those people didn't have a choice and will do anything to live to be with their loved ones

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    1. As a person who was also there I don't think that was what this writer was portraying when he mentioned 911. I think he was just trying to show CG's thought process of pergatory. I don't think for one moment CG thought to jump, but of course Taylor and Gail on the outside looking in would have thought that since he was covered in blood.

      I know this is your opinion, but I am going to offer mine. This was not insensitive as this writer in no way was derogatory in the way he mentioned 911, he was just offering us a thought process, which for those of us who were there during that horrific tragedy may have also thought about. My heart constantly goes out to the people lost in 911 but being afraid to think about there thought process or mentioning it ever, is insensitive and in fact disrespectful. Let's all remember, as much as we have become a part of CG's life, he is still only a fictional character.

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    2. I agree with Brooke on this one. Being there and watching it, yes it's still a bit raw for me all these years later, but the writer of this blog in no way meant any disrespect I am sure. Having said that when I read that paragraph I knew the critism would come. She is simply offering us a idea of what the thought process must have looked like for those that were trapped with an inevitable fate. I thought about it that day, the next day, even weeks later. Having loved ones that lost their life that day I don't find it offensive, or insensitive. Those last minutes were sheer terror and I agree with Brooke that it is insensitive to not think about what those people must have gone through. K

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    3. Dear New Yorker,

      Please STOP it I was at the Pentagon. Every American suffered and people process there thoughts like that. My mother-in-law was there as a 5 year old at Pearl Harbor and she does not get offended when people reference it. Everyone has had pains I suffered a miscarriage but I don't fall apart at the mention for others because all have had pains! Now what are you going to do wallow in self pity and let the terrorist win or say it happen I am over it not forgotten but it is over and just the mention of it will not phase me!.

      Now for the writer keep writing and you are doing a great job!

      T

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    4. Hi New Yorker. First off, my sincere apologies to you if you found the reference to 9/11 in this chapter in any way offensive or insensitive, it was certainly not my intention. However,even though I personally was not actually there in New York at the time, I can honestly say that I was so terribly upset and moved by the horror those trapped people faced, that I have many times thought of them as I've been looking out of a tall building, wondering what I would have done if it had been me, and thanking the dear lord with all my heart that it was not.
      In this chapter, Taylor is doing his job by acting on what he can see, and not taking any chances that Christian might be about to jump, but if you read the chapter again, you will see that Christian never actually formulates a plan in his mind to jump. It's something he will broach with Taylor/Flynn at a later stage.

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    5. I agreed with Brooked.
      I thought that it was nice to tribute to 9/11.
      Please stop it! The author put so much working and emotion to write this great chapter. Do not take away her credit.
      K

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    6. I, too, was near NYC on 9/11 and had to drive on the NJ side of the River to pick up my husband and several coworkers, so I saw the aftermath first hand. I also lost a friend who worked at Cantor Fitzgerald. When I read the reference, I have to admit I was taken aback - sort of jolted out of Christian's head. But, after a few breaths, I reread the paragraph and could totally understand what he was saying. What an awful decision many had to make. Christian was actually showing some much needed empathy here. I don't think the decision to include these thoughts was irreverent or used for shock value at all. Thank you ChristianGrey50Shades for writing these wonderful chapters showing us Christian's POV! I look forward to More.

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  56. OMG... my heart is still pounding! I love your writing and can't wait to see MORE!!!!
    Lori x

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  57. Simply perfect. I love seeing how the people around him care, even I he can't see it himself.

    Can't wait to keep reading!

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  58. You have gone and done it now...you have brought on an even higher form of respect from me than I had before, and even then you were pretty far up on the level of sainthood. You my dear are the master of your craft, this was brilliant. Oh wait a minute, here I am trying to be all serious and I just realized I called you master. At least now I am laughing through my tears. What a way to get me to quit crying. I guess that must have been some Freudian slip or something, lol. Though I must say that before I unknowingly made myself laugh at my own joke I had been crying pretty much from the very beginning of this section. This was so tragically brilliant that I'm having almost a hard time explaining just how much this meant to me. Ever since I started reading your interpretation of this series, the temporary break-up between our favorite couple has been the one section that I may have been most excited, yet nervous for. It has always been heartbreaking to me reading in from Ana's POV, but now reading it from Christian's it's almost like Ana is devastated, but Christian is not only devastated, but broken as well. Thus showing in the way that Taylor and Gail have both reached out to Christian. I think I may have cried harder at that part because it was so touching and shows just how much they care about him. They took it upon themselves to call Dr. Flynn. When Taylor came out to bring him away from the ledge and Gail was standing in the bedroom w/ her hand over her mouth I just couldn't believe that this man would think that people don't see the real him and just how much he does for them. Because if he didn't mean something to them they wouldn't have done that. Another case-in-point is Taylor sitting down and sharing about his ex-wife. I just loved this so much, I just can't get enough of it! Thank you so much, I really appreciate all that you do to bring this to us!

    XOXO,
    Ang

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    1. Hi Ang. This is your master speaking - haha.

      I think we see by then end of the books that Christian wants special housing built for Taylor and Mrs Jones at the new house, so I think he considers them as almost family by then, with Sophie even being allowed to take Teddy for a short walk. And so I thought maybe that was in part for how well they helped him through his personal crisis.

      Thanks for your support :)

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  59. Oh my god. This chapter was amazing and I cannot wait for part 2!! When I was reading the books, I always wondered what Christian was thinking and doing during this time and I have to say that it is amazing to read it! You're amazing at writing these chapters and I cannot wait for the next part! I was so mad when I got to the end of this part because of how you left us hanging. But, now I am waiting impatiently for part 2! Amazing job!! Thank you so much for writing these and I cannot wait to read more. =)

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  60. Omg....I loved the part when he was actually tearing up,i was crying for him.This chapter was brillant,can't wait for pt2....thank you again and again....great job!

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  61. Excellent!! Can't wait for more!!

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  62. Thank you so much for writing Christians POV for us! I can't imagine how much time and effort it takes to perfect every chapter especially when you have family of your own to take care of! It blows me away that you can pump out early out every few days! I just hope you don't get overwhelmed and have to stop. We can all be patient people so take your time. I would love to continue reading your work as it has filled a void for me and I have to sincerely thank you for that. Keep up the great work!!

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  63. The tears keep flowing... beautifully written...what a broken man ~ Thank you~ Can't wait for the next.chapter.

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  64. Thank you for sharing the heartbreak and devastation from Christian's point of view. This was a great chapter giving us those insights and sharing the angst that I felt was there. Again, so glad you are picking up all those little crumbs and putting them into such great writing!!

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  65. Poor sad lonely Christian - how awful that he is the way that he is. I love how we get to see what he does when Ana leaves - when he realises how well and truly fucked up he is... I never considered that he would even consider jumping off the balcony an option to end it - and oh Taylor, such a wonderful man - I love him! Great work, looking forward to the next chapters!

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  66. Oh my goodness, I can't stop crying. You absolutely nail it when it comes to Christian's POV. And the way Gail and Taylor took care of him. I personally like this better than Ana's POV of the breakup. Thank you, can't wait for the next chapter.

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  67. Oh wow. I wondered what he might have gone through during their separation, but I never imagined this. It is, however, perfect. You are doing an amazing job of portraying his self hatred and despair. Perfect. Can't wait for the next chapter!

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  68. This was the best chapter yet.
    I am still crying. It was so
    sad. But amazing. These are the things I wanted to
    know about and read. I feel so bad
    for Christian and seeing him
    like that. I always wanted to
    know. And hearing Taylor and
    Gail with him. Best chapter
    yet!!! Amazing work!! Please
    do the next one quick. LOL
    Need more. I can't wait to
    see what Flynn says. Again,
    there is so much
    I want to say. But basically amazing
    sums it up and you capture
    Christian and everyone so
    perfectly. Great job! Thank
    you for keeping this up for all
    of us! I can't imagine not
    reading anymore.

    Again amazing work and thank
    you! :-) <3.

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  69. Wonderful job as always! I can't wait for part two. You are a amazing writer and I just can't get enough. You get Christians point of view so well and always leave us wanting more. I hope you are going to do the other two books as well. There are parts of both that I always have wondered what was going through his mind and I would love to find out. Thanks so much for writing these and sharing them with us!

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  70. Are you sure you aren't really E.L. James? I honestly can't tell a difference in your writing styles. You're amazing as is this fic.

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  71. Another great chapter. You really write Christian's perspective perfectly. I enjoy each chapter and look forward to the next. Hopefully it will be "sooners rather than laters". Laters, baby.

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  72. I loved, loved, loved this chapter. I am with everyone else, please update sooner rather than later.

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  73. *Still drying my tears and picking my jaw off the floor over how good that was* You do a wonderful job of interpreting E.L. James words to give us Christian's thoughts and reactions, but when you are given open license with your own original words, thoughts and scenarios, it is simply extraordinary.

    When we first hear from Christian again in book 2, it is Wednesday and he emails Ana (I'm guessing because her blackberry goes off with a text from Jose reminding her about his art show.) That Christian is "Determined Christian"...That Christian already has a plan to win her back. So it was fascinating, interesting and very sad to read your interpretation of those lost 4 days of Christian's life.

    In the books, as readers we never get an idea of the depths Christian's despair. What he says to Ana afterwards is that time was "eternal night and endless darkness." I always assumed he resorted back into old habits and started drinking, and then saw Flynn the following Monday. But what you have come up with is nothing short of amazing. Like his subconscious decision to automatically run to Flynn's. Somewhere deep down he knows change is possible! The numb, unknowing disconnect he had to cutting his hands and the whole balcony scene (and the 9/11 victims) was chilling. The most endearing thing to me was the way Gail and Taylor took care of him. Gail's face as Taylor is walking back in to the bedroom with Christian from the balcony spotlights the seriousness of the situation and the real need for Flynn.

    So I can't wait for the next chapter (which I say with every review,) but don't rush it. I know you will want it to be perfect. The talk with Flynn should be awesome and enlightening...that said, I know there will be a talk in there somewhere with Elena as well. I already hear her telling Christian he is better off without her and it's best that this got sorted out early on. It's my sincere hope that by the time he speaks to her "the penny will have already dropped" for Christian and he will realize (with Flynn's help) that he is in love with Ana.

    Again, brilliant chapter! You are one amazing story teller! Cheers, Adrena

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    1. Hi Adrena.
      Yes, the weekend must be his blackest time, because by Monday he is sending her flowers to celebrate her first day at work, so he's trying to open negotiations. So all the blackest hours are on Saturday and Sunday when he has to work out his feelings and what he can do about them.

      Thanks for your support :)

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  74. Wow, Having him on the balcony BRILLANT! You truly brought out his human side. We can all relate to a major heartbreak in our lives and the pain that goes with it. I can't wait for the next part to see how Dr. Flynn will help Christian see he does deserve to be loved and these feelings he has is because he truly does love her. I think Mr. Grey's well built walls are about to come down. Keep up the great work.

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  75. Wow...that wa amazing and my chest got tight and I was about to cry..you do a great job.

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  76. Hands Down. You are the best of the best. You captured Christian's inner soul(; Amazing. Post everyday! Whoop, I can't wait for the Leila part on book 2 ! Whoo!

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  77. This is really fantastic! I cant wait for more!

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  78. Great Chapter!!! Emily :-)

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  79. I'm weeping here:-(
    What can I say...another one, so beautifully written..
    Thanks a million....Till the next one...
    Joyce

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  80. OMG LOVED IT!! I'VE BEEN WAITING!! I LOOK FORWARD TO MORE!!

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  81. I'm nearly speechless right now, such an amazing chapter! My favorite part were Mrs. Jones and Taylor taking care of him and calling Dr. Flynn, so sweet. Your writing is really addictive, I love all the details you are giving us. Thank you so much for sharing your awesome talent with us. :))) Ellen

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  82. oh i need more now!!! this is sooo sad! but kind of nice to know he feels the normal things we all feel in a difficult break up. the fact he didnt realise he had cut himself, the fact he was staring over the balcony without realising what he was actually doing. I really hope you write some more soon PLEASE!!!!!
    Lucy

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  83. Zanadu from MaineJuly 29, 2012 at 9:16 PM

    Oh my. I had to stop reading half way through this chapter to go find a box of tissues. I was bawling so hard I couldn't see the page anymore. I'm going to go now and read it again...tissues in hand. Can't wait for the next chapter.

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    1. I should have bought shares in tissue supplies!

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  84. Brilliant chapter, so sad but lovely, well done again, looking forward to the next one :-) Sare x

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  85. Drying my eyes! Simply fantastic! Looking forward to part 2! Your writing is amazing!
    Thank you, thank you so much for keeping Christian POV going! I love it!
    Alison

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  86. This is an amazing job you are doing!! Thank you so much for writing christian's pov. Can't wait to read more!!!

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  87. Hi,
    I really thought i was ready to read this chapter, Well im in tears here, my stomach is knotted and i was afraid to push the page up cause i didnt want it to end.
    The love story between Christian and Ana is so beautifully told by E L James and YOUR blog, that i have been so addicted to reading them, over and over.
    Sadly this chapter just leaves me wanting more,more more.
    Thankyou for your amazing work and keep at.

    xxxx

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  88. U r brilliant and this is the best chapter thus far. I can't thank u enough for writing such amazing words for such a heart-wrenching part of Book 1. Thank u!!!!

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  89. Loved it! I especially liked the balcony scene. You are wonderful. I know eventually this series will end and Im sad about that but till then, keep it coming so I can enjoy the ride. Can't wait for some more stories by you.

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  90. Amazing how Gail and Taylor step in to take care of Christian. This was a wonderful twist to the story. Oh, I can't wait for the next chapter.

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  91. He's in love. why cant he understand that? . . . oy. this pov is even more depressing than Ana's i guess cos he has so much more to lose since he gained more from Ana cos he's the fifty shades of f'ed up one. good job with this! cant wait what Christian and John will be talking about.

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  92. That was so good, I would have to say this is as close as I would of thought what would of happen to Christian when Ana left him. Gail and Taylor help was unexpeced but very good. Your writing inspires me to want to write something about this book too, but my life again is full of mummy duties. Look forward to the next part, and once again THANK YOU for keeping this beautiful story going.Sigrid

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    1. Hi Sigrid - I'm out the other side of mummy duties, that's why I've now got time to write. Your day will come, never fear :)

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    2. In fact it was 'empty nest syndrome' that got me writing!

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  93. Awesome! can't wait for more!!

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  94. Omg. I just found your blog yesterday and read all chapters yesterday. I couldn't wait for this chapter and now I cannot wait for the next one. You are doing fantastic. I was going through fsog withdrawal and you have sooooo fulfilled that void!!!!! Please don't stop. Please continue with it til the end!!!!!!! Thank you for your dedication.

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  95. wow, that was a brillant chpt. hats off to you. i knew christian would be absolutely devastated and boy was i right. it really comes through, we have all been through heart break. that feeling that your chest hurts and you just cant breathe it hurts so much. christian is an adolescent emotionally and we all remember how soul destroying first love heart break was,and this is what christian is feeling and he never learned the coping skills to deal with this. i always wondered if he contemplated ending it. i always felt taylor, gail and flynn would be there for him and im glad you had that, taylor taking him off the balcony, gail cleaning his cuts and calling flynn, all excellent. they genuinely care about him and taylor telling him he can change was great. lol i also knew that he would continue having her watched even while they were apart, to much of a control freak not to. im on pins and needles waiting for your next chpt., you have a real talent :)

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  96. wow amazing loved it! I've always wondered what Christan did after she left. can't wait to read more! are you doing all 3 books?

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  97. Truly amazing! I am in awe...THANK YOU!!!! I look forward to the next chapters! You are a brilliant writer, keep up the great work. The thoughts going through Christians head, the care and love shown to him by his staff, then Dr. Flynn showing up...perfect!

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  98. You are amazing!!! I check my blackberry several times a day for updates, pleeease hurry with part 2...

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  99. When is Christian going to realize that he has people around him who love him, like Taylor and Gail. Can't wait for more of my Fifty Shades fix.

    ~Annalee

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  100. To our fabulous writer,
    I know everyone is entitled to their opinions, but please don't let one over-sensitive person question your work. The rest of us respect and appreciate your stories. This last chapter was beautifully written. Keep up the good work and don't have us hanging for too long!
    Jo (L. A. )

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  101. Oh poor Ana and Christian. I can't stand it. I feel like crying. You're a goddess!

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  102. WOW, don't know what to say except another amazing chapter. Your story & the way you told it was excellent. Thank-you for helping me with my Christian & Ana addiction. Once again, you very hot "Brit" did it again! Love, love, love it!!
    Thank you so much for taking the time to do what you are doing and as always, can't wait for more.

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  103. Wow,wow,wow thank you for another wonderful chapter you write these just as they should be.cant wait until the next one.. You are an amazing writer please don't stop with the first book and carry on with them all.thank you again.

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  104. Wow,wow,wow thank you for another wonderful chapter you write these just as they should be.cant wait until the next one.. You are an amazing writer please don't stop with the first book and carry on with them all.thank you again.

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  105. I was just lucky to have found your blog. So fantastic read all chapters in 1 day and I cannot wait for new chapters to be added. Thank you, thank you, thank you! So brilliant

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  106. Holy carp, Batman!! Awesome! I knew Christian wasn't the type to curl up to sleep & weep but you've nailed it! I predict nightmares & poor Taylor going sleepless with all the piano playing through the nights.

    Brilliant! Thank you!!

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  107. Thank you for writing in Christian's pov. This is amazing...love it!! can't wait until the next chapter is done.--Brenda

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  108. Oh, well done!! I seem to have joined the tears streaming down my face club. Thank you for you ability to put thought to paper so clearly and dramaticly.

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  109. WOW! I was anxiously anticipating this chapter and of coure you did not disappoint! I too wondered how someone with that kind of need would have a sudden change of heart. Well talk about you come to Jesus moments! Thank you for enlighten us and allowing us to bare witness to Christian's inturnal turmoil and misery! He hasn't even fathomed the fact that he truely love's Ana. You are truely a brilliant wrinter and you have nailed the! I cried all the way through the chapter. I can't wait for the second half and for the beging of book two! Please don't stop your writing is genius! I may be more exciting then the original. I reread the book while reading you blog at the same time.... Having both points of view at the same time has been an emotional ride! I just can't get enough! Thank you!

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  110. What a phenomenal job! Can't wait for next update. thank you for sharing ;-)

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  111. Sobs, sobs, and more sobs! Omgosh! (screams) Christian!!!! My poor Fifty Shades of Fucked Up!

    Well, That was very emotional. *breathe, Sandy, breathe*, murmurs. . .

    But, that was awesome! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

    So delicious! More, please . . .

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  112. Oh my gracious!! I think I was holding my breath through that whole chapter!! Very close to tears!!! That was perfect, you are amazing!!! Hurry hurry hurry with more!!! Cannot wait for more!!!!!!

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  113. Omg I need more I can't get enough. I feel lost there is no more to read.

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  114. My favorite part of my day- babies sleeping and a chai while reading your blog. Thank you for sharing!!

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  115. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!!!!! OH.EM.GEE!OH.EM.GEE!OH.EM.GEE!!
    I freakin love it, love it, LOVE IT!!! Tears in my eyes, SO GOOD!! My heart is breaking for him, Excellent writing!! What a wonderful imagination and connection you have with Christians character...it's Amazingly Awesome!!! My Favorite Chapter of it all...You feed my need for Christians POV perfectly!!
    A million times Thank You!!! I will continue to patiently wait for more as I don't want to rush you and your superb writing =)
    Your faithful reader, Jaz

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  116. As expected, I wept thru reading this chapter. Seeing Christian wrestle his hope of having more with Ana against his self loathing was so profound. I cant wait to see where it takes him in part 2.

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  117. I haven't finished the story yet but I HAD to check the last chapter. PLEASE say that you're skipping work and the Olympics to finish the Trilogy (and Grace's blog too)!

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    1. I may have sneakily watched some of the Olympics....

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  118. That was the best of your work yet...loved it loved it loved it....i cant wait for book 2, any idea on when its coming?

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  119. Wow! The last two chapters were my favorite!! While I loved them from Ana's POV, they just really hit me when I read them from Christian's POV. Tightness in my stomach, tears, the works! Your understanding of Christian's character is beyond perfect!! I doubt E.L. could've Done a better job!! I am such a big fan of your work! I've got my fingers crossed you continue the rest of the trilogy and I am also looking forward to reading your story as well! Thanks again for sharing your great work?m I've been a following fan since you first posted on fan fiction. Is there any way you would be able to email me a PDF version? Again, I just love your work!

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    1. Sorry I forgot to include my name, I'm Michelle from California and again a HUGE fan! Lmk about the PDF and I'll message you my email. Thanks again =)

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    2. I don't have a pdf version available as yet - this is still a work in progress, so people should be aware that sometimes I go back and make little tweaks here and there. But I know people are already printing copies out, putting it on their Kindles etc.

      So maybe when this version of the story is complete, I'll see about making a pdf available.

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  120. Actually I'm going to read this chapter again....

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  121. Im in tears here, he is descovering his heart!!!! Love everything about this chapter... Listen to the song heartbeats of Jesús gonzalez, christian put it in the IPAD for Ana ... Its Sad thats the mood of my love, Christian Grey...

    Carmen Grey

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    1. Correction Is José Gonzales

      Xxxx

      Carmen Grey

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  122. Wow. What an amazing chapter. It's very rare for a story to make me cry but I cant stop. I have no words to describe how heart wrenching it is to see Christian feel he's not deserving of love. It's obvious to Ana and all fans how disturbed but irresistable Christian is. I'm so thankfull for Taylor and Gail. Its so sentimental to see Christian descover his feeling and heart. I am so looking forward to the next chapter xx

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  123. Thank you so much for your for this OUTSTANDING chapter that touches both body and soul... You made my day!

    Andrea

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  124. That was amazing, you really need to keep up this amazing work. What a tear jurker this was. thanks again for some amazing qriting xx

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  125. WHY DID IT HAVE TO END??!?!!?!?
    omg this was so brilliant!!! My tears had finally subsided when Flynn came in and i was like, omg this is going to be so good to read *started freaking out in excitement* and then it ended and i was like NOOOOO and started crying again because i just want to keep reading!!

    You honestly write this so well that it seems like it is the actual planned story line! I actually think that even if E. L. James writes her version of Christian's side of the story, i dont know how she could possibly make it better than this because you do it so amazingly well.

    and i was in tears last chapter as well when you said you were going to continue into the next book! THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I dont know what i would have done if you had of said you weren't going to, it would have been terrible!! thank you so much for all the hard work you put into making these for us!

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    1. Well I did warn you it was part 1 of 3 because I knew everyone was very anxious about this part of the story!

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  126. what an emotive chapter, you really do get in to Christian's head, I just wanted to give him a big cuddle!!

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  127. The balcony stuff was excellent, and so was G&T's care. Flynn really needed to show up to give him a different perspective, 'cos Christian is really messed up.

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  128. Another amazing chapter! I was reading it whilst being driven home on the motorway in floods of tears! Felt like I was going through the break- up myself! Can't imagine what the other motorists must have thought! Lol! But I didn't care! What wonderful talent you have keep up the amazing work! Xxxx

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  129. OMG.....best chapter yet.....you literally took my breath away!!

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  130. i hope you continue. Please don't leave us hanging.

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  131. Excellent. The 9/11 comment was tough being I saw it first hand but I know why you used it so one can feel and see his emotional mindframe.

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  132. INTENSE INTENSE INTENSE INTENSE! whew! thanks!

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  133. WOW!! Cannot wait till part 2!!! Please hurry lol!! I knew it would stop here and leave us hanging!!

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  134. amazing as usual!
    ~Tess

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  135. sara from the uk :)July 30, 2012 at 4:16 PM

    wow totally amazing love love it :) thank you and hopefully not much longer till the next chapter :)

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  136. I keep refreshing the page every few hours to check for the next chapter! please update soon(:

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  137. Awwww.... this was so good!! A totally different take on the way Christian reacted to Ana's leaving then what I had played out in my head. Have an even greater love for Taylor and Gail now.... especially Taylor. thank you and I cannot wait to see what's next, as always.

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    1. Hi Nancy - what did you envisage then, out of curiosity?

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  138. OMG your most amazing chapter to date! I've loved every chapter, including Grace's blog, but this chapter has given us the most insight into how much Christian suffered. You've made me feel Christian's agony. One of the things I've struggled with is how quickly Christian changed (Ana left Christian 2 weeks after their first sexual encounter). But now I understand, can sympathize with Christian's torment and FSD makes more sense to me. Thank you SO much for that, and for including more insight into Christian's relationships with Gail, Taylor and John. Their reactions adds to the explanation of Christian's changes.

    Who can watch The Olympics when we're waiting for your next chapter???

    KEEP CALM. Breathe, Mapili. Breathe. Stow your twitchy palms and go back to chapter one.

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  139. You captured Christian in such a perfect way! You are truly amazing!

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  140. I'm so Addicted to you chapters :) So glad you have decided to continue past the 1st book.

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  141. I'm a lurker but I just had to finally leave a comment after this one. Wow!

    I have enjoyed your version but honestly I thought his thoughts were probably even more fucked up than you were writing until these last two chapters. His thoughts in the playroom with the belt made my insides clench. I was holding my breath. So terrible and intense. And then this ... GAH!!! Heartbreaking.

    The little details like the shampoo bottle are perfection. He's so far out of his depth. Taylor and Gail were perfect too.

    Great job

    Jenn

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    1. Hi Jenn the lurker. Thanks for going public :)

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  142. I have just finished this chapter for the third time...I can't get enough. You have done an incredible job of getting into our beautiful boy Chritian's head. I have not left a comment yet, this is my first. I can not, in good faith, keep reading unless I THANK YOU for your WONDERFUL WRITING! THANK YOU! Looking forward to part 2, 3, etc...<3

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  143. Well done. This was always going to be a very difficult chapter and you've done brilliantly. I was overcome with frustration when I finished FSOG, how could they both be so silly? But of course it comes right in the end. You are doing a great of getting inside Christian's head, I can't wait to read more but take time to enjoy the Olympics. A medal for the British men in the gymnastics? Who hoo!

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    1. Get in, team GB :)Doing well in the men's hockey too. Well I am allowed to watch a bit of it as it's all on my doorstep ;)

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  144. Omg¡¡¡¡ love it we can see exactly how christian feels when ana leave him that´s just amazing really suffer with him... cant wait to see your next chapter¡¡

    Mony

    Pd: Greetings from México¡¡¡

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  145. i keep refreshing awaiting an update plz plz dnt leave it too long :) xx

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  146. THIS was the part of FSOG that I wanted SO badly to hear from Christian's POV. When I finished the 3rd book, I kept going back to this scene in my mind wondering what those days apart were like for him. He described them as "perpetual dark" but he is REALLY dark, so it had to be BAD.
    You have done a fantastic job of filling in the gaps, including Christian's feeling of helplessness and hopelessness....emotions that are shaking his very foundations enough to make him reconsider his lifestyle.
    Great writing and emotion packed! Keep them coming!! LOVE LOVE LOVE it (in SHOUTY capitols, LOL).

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  147. Chritian, Your blog has so much emotion in it. How does it feel to have this much power with all of us hanging on to every minute waiting for part 2. The emotions I feel, are a mixture, Love, Lust, Anger, Sadness, and Happiness, I had to go back and read all your Chapters again. I can't remember when I cried over a story before. You my friend have done a fantastic job on giving your POV. Waiting patiently for part 2 and the rest of the story.
    Joanne T, FL (Gulf Coast)

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  148. I was so moved by this chapter. It was so powerful I was in tears. It is incredibly well written, intelligent, passionate, emotional, powerful. I think you are an incredible writer and LOVE this story. Thank you. Can't wait for the next chapter.

    ~Harper Montgomery

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  149. This introspection on Christian's part was a masterpiece !!!! Keep the chapters coming. They have been nothing short of amazing !!!!

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  150. I get so excited when I see a new chapter! I am just half way through the chapter and I am bawling my eyes out! This is BY FAR my favourite! Keep them coming!

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  151. I cried when i read this part in the book and i bawled when i read this chapter, cant wait for the other 2 parts :)
    Great work :)

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  152. Can't wait to see what you write for the next couple of days.....
    YOu are a wonderful writer.........
    Looking forward to Part 2 and Part 3......
    Thank you for continueing with the books........
    jen

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  153. The 9/11 mention is something I wonder every day. My sister was in the tower. I wonder if she was able to choose her fate. I do love your writing and thought it was wonderful. Please next. Chapter in need of distraction.

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  154. When do you think you will have the next chapter out?? I am dying for more!! You have captured my interest and i check back several times daily (kinda feel like Ana checking for Christian's e-mails). Can't wait for more ;-)

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  155. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  156. This was great!! Didn't want to enjoy it feeling disloyalto James...but then all the shades of Grey! Great! More please...more.

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  157. ok...I need you to post the next chapter...quick, fast, and in a hurry! I have to know what happens next!!!!

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Thanks for taking the time to leave a comment. Be sure I read each and every one, even if I don't always reply individually.