19 June 2012

Chapter 4 - Run From The Beast


As I stand under the shower and let the scalding water run over my body, I try and get my head around the fact that last night I slept with Miss Anastasia Steele in my bed, and I slept well, really well. No nightmares. Just deep, refreshing sleep. I rarely sleep that well, in fact I can't remember the last time I did.

I've never shared my bed with anyone. Because of my fucked up childhood, I have deep issues which mean that I don't want to be touched on certain areas of my body, or have any kind of personal contact unless it is on my terms. Having someone sleep with me in my bed would put me at risk of being touched inappropriately.

Being a Dominant gives me the control I crave and ensures that I will not be touched anywhere I don't want to be. I never start a relationship with a new submissive until I have the paperwork in place. That way there are no misunderstandings about what is expected. This is comprised of a detailed contract with clearly defined rules, plus the soft and hard limits for both parties, signed by both parties. She also has to sign a Non-Disclosure Agreement, to ensure details of my lifestyle don't end up in the papers. I also have other insurance measures in place to prevent this.

My submissive is always securely tied up or bound or shackled for sex so she can't touch me, and I always instruct her in very clear and exact terms what I want her to do, or what I am going to do to her for my pleasure. I instruct her  exactly how I wish her to touch me with her fingers or mouth if I wish her to pleasure or fellate me. I am free to use her body in any way I deem fit, as often as I want. She gets her pleasure from obeying me and pleasing me. I punish her if she is disobedient or displeases me, in whatever manner I deem appropriate, subject to the agreed hard rules.

Once my needs are fully satisfied, there is no need for any further contact between us. She sleeps alone in her bedroom; I sleep alone in mine. I expect her to be available to me for the whole of every weekend for the sole purpose of serving my needs. I don't have any contact with her during the week unless exceptionally I request it. This is the basis of my Dominant/submissive relationship. That's what's always worked for me. It suits me perfectly.

Flynn interprets this behavior as objectifying women; he says I treat them as an acquisition, something to be used and then discarded when I've gotten bored, pretty much like a car or a piece of furniture. He also says that I compartmentalize women in order to remain in control and avoid dealing with any kind of personal feelings to complicate my ordered and structured life. This is largely a result of the shit I carry around thanks to my crappy start in life.

I guess he's right, and I don't really have any problem with this interpretation. My lifestyle has allowed me to concentrate on building my business empire extremely successfully, and now I'm one of the wealthiest men in America although I'm not yet thirty. Works for me.

As I see it, it's a mutually beneficial, consensual arrangement with my sub. She goes into the agreement with her eyes open, she understands how things work, exactly how it will be. I look after her and treat her well. I provide her with everything she needs to enjoy a very nice lifestyle – car, clothes, whatever she needs. And if at any time she expresses any dissatisfaction or a need for anything more than this, the agreement between us is swiftly terminated. It's all clear cut and controlled.

So where the fuck does my sleeping so well with Miss Steele in my bed last night fit into my well-ordered, solitary world? I just don't understand. I have some very vague memories from when I was first adopted of my mom coming to soothe me and sleeping with me in my bed when I had bad nightmares. So does this mean I see Ana as some kind of a maternal figure? Shit no, not feeling the way I do, wanting to fuck her into next week. I'm so confused, and I'll have to see Flynn to talk this through, see what he makes of it all.

I spent a long time last night just watching Anastasia sleep. She is so enchantingly sweet and beautiful. I think she is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside, unlike me. The more I see her, the stronger my feelings are becoming. And yes, no question, a very large part of these feelings is sexual, but I'm beginning to realize that maybe there is more to it than that. I want to look after her and protect her. I want to know everything about her. I want to see her smile, and I want to be the one to make her smile. I want to hear her laugh and her giggle. I want to make her happy. In short, I don't think I see her as an object, I think I see her as a person, one that I want to spend time with.

But I know my limitations, what I'm capable of, so how can that be? I know what my needs are, and I can only offer what I know works for a fucked up man like me. Can I persuade Anastasia to push her limits enough to embrace my lifestyle and become my latest submissive? Will she trust me enough to hand control over to me, so that she can fit into my life in the way I want?

I'm brought back from my reverie with the sudden realization that while I'm in the shower, I've sent Taylor away, and left the bag of new clothes in the bedroom with Ana.

Shit. She could panic and run.


 I don’t own any of the Fifty Shades Trilogy or the characters therein. They belong to E L James. I’m just borrowing them for fun and not for profit. Please refer to the Legal’s page for further details. This work is not to be copied or reproduced in any way without permission. 


36 comments:

  1. I liked to read what's going on in Christian head and I think you did realy well. Thanks.

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    1. Thanks ;) Not sure being in Christian's mind is that good a place for me to inhabit, but it's great fun writing his pov.

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  2. I'm liking reading Christians perspective.

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    1. Hi spikesgurl. Glad you are enjoying the story :)

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  3. You are doing a great job here! I love reading about his emotions and exploring his sight of the events.

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    1. Hi there. Thanks for reading and your comments. Nice to know people are actually reading what I'm writing :)

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  4. Love it!! You are awesome! Thank you so much.

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  5. I'm really enjoying reading " From Christian's perspective" you are nailing it.

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    1. Hi there, welcome on board. Glad you're enjoying the story. xxx

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  6. Thank you for writing! I'm really enjoying reading :-)

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  7. I am soooooo happy I found your writings! I am on my third time around at reading the Fifty trilogy because I just can't get enough. It's better each time I read it, but it is nice to read it from Christians perspective too. Thank you!

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  8. Wow! That was insightful. So delicious! More, please.

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  9. I am so thrilled to have found this site. I wasn't sure how I was going to handle going cold turkey after completing the trilogy. You have nailed Christan's persona perfectly and have Ana down cold also. Can't stop reading his POV, it was what was missing. Please don't stop! If you aren't him your doing a great job channeling him.

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    1. Thanks very much. Glad you made your way to my blog :)

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  10. Just loving it, after reading the 3 books twice, this it just perfect to continue my fix

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  11. Viola KumaritakisAugust 3, 2012 at 4:10 AM

    The more and more i read i love it !! GREAT JOB !! Thank You !

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  12. <3 <3 it!!Checking constantly since two weeks ago when I found your blog.You are doing an amazing job!!Can't wait for the next chapter!!Love the street scene when he picks her up to carry her back lol want to know what was going through his head then!! :)

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  13. So far so good. This is just what we needed!!

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  14. i love it! read it four times already just like the book!

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  15. I am hooked - hands down!

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  16. oh no!!! im hooked again and i cant stop reading lol... its wicked well done xx

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  17. agreed - hooked and can't stop reading!

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  18. im now speechless its like you have somehow hooked into the authers mind and writing it for her please keep going.

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  19. hooked and cant stop reading!..thanx

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  20. I didn't want the books to end. So happy that I found this. Now I can get my daily Christian fix. :-)

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  21. This is AMAZING...Just what I needed after reading the last book in the trilogy. Thank you so much for this!!

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  22. I'm so glad I found your blog. Your amazing, I love it. Thank you for putting it out! I can't stop reading it.

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  23. Heureusement que j'avais lu Mater of The Universe en anglais avec Google Translate. Enfin, j'ai lu le premier livre en français, j'ai bien hâte de lire le tome 2 et 3.


    J'adore votre POV Edward(Christian). Ça me fera patienter!

    Fleur50

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  24. Greetings! I can clearly see the fact that you really get the sense of what you are writing about here. Do you own a degree or maybe an education that is somehow connected with the theme of this blog post? Many thanks in advance for your answer.

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  25. I have been immensely enjoying reading Christian's pov. You have done an awesome job, can't wait to read the next chapters. Thank you!

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Thanks for taking the time to leave a comment. Be sure I read each and every one, even if I don't always reply individually.