Chapter 4 - Run From The Beast

As I stand under the shower and let the scalding water run over my body, I try and get my head around the fact that last night I slept with Miss Anastasia Steele in my bed, and I slept well, really well. No nightmares. Just deep, refreshing sleep. I rarely sleep that well, in fact I can't remember the last time I did.

I've never shared my bed with anyone. Because of my fucked up childhood, I have deep issues which mean that I don't want to be touched on certain areas of my body, or have any kind of personal contact unless it is on my terms. Having someone sleep with me in my bed would put me at risk of being touched inappropriately.

Being a Dominant gives me the control I crave and ensures that I will not be touched anywhere I don't want to be. I never start a relationship with a new submissive until I have the paperwork in place. That way there are no misunderstandings about what is expected. This is comprised of a detailed contract with clearly defined rules, plus the soft and hard limits for both parties, signed by both parties. She also has to sign a Non-Disclosure Agreement, to ensure details of my lifestyle don't end up in the papers. I also have other insurance measures in place to prevent this.

My submissive is always securely tied up or bound or shackled for sex so she can't touch me, and I always instruct her in very clear and exact terms what I want her to do, or what I am going to do to her for my pleasure. I instruct her  exactly how I wish her to touch me with her fingers or mouth if I wish her to pleasure or fellate me. I am free to use her body in any way I deem fit, as often as I want. She gets her pleasure from obeying me and pleasing me. I punish her if she is disobedient or displeases me, in whatever manner I deem appropriate, subject to the agreed hard rules.

Once my needs are fully satisfied, there is no need for any further contact between us. She sleeps alone in her bedroom; I sleep alone in mine. I expect her to be available to me for the whole of every weekend for the sole purpose of serving my needs. I don't have any contact with her during the week unless exceptionally I request it. This is the basis of my Dominant/submissive relationship. That's what's always worked for me. It suits me perfectly.

Flynn interprets this behavior as objectifying women; he says I treat them as an acquisition, something to be used and then discarded when I've gotten bored, pretty much like a car or a piece of furniture. He also says that I compartmentalize women in order to remain in control and avoid dealing with any kind of personal feelings to complicate my ordered and structured life. This is largely a result of the shit I carry around thanks to my crappy start in life.

I guess he's right, and I don't really have any problem with this interpretation. My lifestyle has allowed me to concentrate on building my business empire extremely successfully, and now I'm one of the wealthiest men in America although I'm not yet thirty. Works for me.

As I see it, it's a mutually beneficial, consensual arrangement with my sub. She goes into the agreement with her eyes open, she understands how things work, exactly how it will be. I look after her and treat her well. I provide her with everything she needs to enjoy a very nice lifestyle – car, clothes, whatever she needs. And if at any time she expresses any dissatisfaction or a need for anything more than this, the agreement between us is swiftly terminated. It's all clear cut and controlled.

So where the fuck does my sleeping so well with Miss Steele in my bed last night fit into my well-ordered, solitary world? I just don't understand. I have some very vague memories from when I was first adopted of my mom coming to soothe me and sleeping with me in my bed when I had bad nightmares. So does this mean I see Ana as some kind of a maternal figure? Shit no, not feeling the way I do, wanting to fuck her into next week. I'm so confused, and I'll have to see Flynn to talk this through, see what he makes of it all.

I spent a long time last night just watching Anastasia sleep. She is so enchantingly sweet and beautiful. I think she is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside, unlike me. The more I see her, the stronger my feelings are becoming. And yes, no question, a very large part of these feelings is sexual, but I'm beginning to realize that maybe there is more to it than that. I want to look after her and protect her. I want to know everything about her. I want to see her smile, and I want to be the one to make her smile. I want to hear her laugh and her giggle. I want to make her happy. In short, I don't think I see her as an object, I think I see her as a person, one that I want to spend time with.

But I know my limitations, what I'm capable of, so how can that be? I know what my needs are, and I can only offer what I know works for a fucked up man like me. Can I persuade Anastasia to push her limits enough to embrace my lifestyle and become my latest submissive? Will she trust me enough to hand control over to me, so that she can fit into my life in the way I want?

I'm brought back from my reverie with the sudden realization that while I'm in the shower, I've sent Taylor away, and left the bag of new clothes in the bedroom with Ana.

Shit. She could panic and run.

 I don’t own any of the Fifty Shades Trilogy or the characters therein. They belong to E L James. I’m just borrowing them for fun and not for profit. Please refer to the Legal’s page for further details. This work is not to be copied or reproduced in any way without permission.