19 June 2012

Chapter 14 - Tears Before Bedtime

As I step into her bedroom, I can see that Ana is sobbing uncontrollably into her pillow, completely and utterly distraught.

"Jesus, Ana."

I feel the blood drain from my face because I'm shocked to the very core to see her like this. I need to find out exactly what's caused her to be so upset, although I have no doubt it is in some way connected to how I treated her tonight. 

I feel like a total shit. You heartless bastard, Grey. Look what you've done to this sweet girl. But she seemed fine when I left, just a little quiet. Why the fuck didn't she say something to me? She was a consenting adult. She could have said 'no' when I told her to come over for me to spank her, but she didn't. She could even have safe-worded, but she didn't. So I assumed she was okay with it all. 

Clearly I assumed wrongly.

She glances up at me and then squints at the harsh light, so I flick it off again, and quickly go to her side.

"What… are… you… doing… here?" 

She's in such a state that she can barely get the words out between sobs.

I switch on the sidelight so I can see her better, but before I can speak, Kate is back on the case.

"Do you want me to throw this asshole out?" she asks Ana, fiercely hostile as she glares at me from the doorway.

I don't appreciate being treated this way, especially by a female, but now I see how upset Ana is, I guess I can understand Kate's protectiveness. But I just need her to butt out so I can sort this out – in private.

I'm thankful that Ana shakes her head to dismiss her friend, who then rolls her eyes in defeat. She really doesn't like me at all, but I can't blame her. I don't like me much at the moment either.

"Just holler if you need me," she says gently to Ana. Then she glares at me again. "Grey – your cards are marked."

She leaves us alone, but doesn't close the door completely.

I look down at Anastasia, and pass her a handkerchief from my pocket to wipe her eyes. Beautiful, sweet, Ana, reduced to this state by me, although I don't quite know why. So different from the other night when we had our first vanilla fuck, when she smiled at me and was so happy. Now this. Why?

"What's going on?" I quietly ask her.

"Why… are… you… here?" she asks. Her tears seem to be drying up, but her body is still heaving with dry sobs.

"Part of my role is to look after your needs. You said you wanted me to stay, so here I am. And yet I find you like this. I'm sure I'm responsible, but I have no idea why. Is it because I hit you?"

As she pulls herself up to sit and face me, she winces, clearly still in pain from her spanking.

"Did you take some Advil?"

She shakes her head. I resist scolding her for not following my earlier instructions to take some when I left, but instead get up to go and find some.

Of course Kate is hovering nearby, and if looks could kill I'd be ten feet under by now.

"Anastasia has a headache. Do you have some Advil she can take?"

"Look Grey, I don't know what you've done to upset Ana this time, but maybe you should just take a hike and leave her alone. I mean, just look at the state of her, you're not good for her. Just because you're obscenely rich and used to getting what you want all the time, doesn't mean you can intimidate her and trample all over her feelings just so you get to lay her whenever it suits you."

At least Ana doesn't seem to have told her anything about tonight's spanking. I think Kate really would have taken me by the balls if she knew anything about that.

"What did you mean when you said she cries all the time since she's met me?" I've never seen her cry before. Why would she be crying?

"Exactly that. Since she's met you, she's been so up and down. I've never seen her like this before. She's just a sweet, naïve young girl who's not had a boyfriend before, and here you are, Mr Powerful Megabucks sweeping her off her feet and overwhelming her. She's worried that you are just too different, and I think maybe she's right."

"Do you now Miss Kavanagh. Well I'm not sure it's any of your business, but I suppose I can appreciate that you're being a loyal friend by trying to look out for her. I can assure you that it has never been my intention to upset Anastasia, and all I want to do now is to sort out this misunderstanding."

"Hmm. Elliot won't say much about you, all he says is that you're a great guy, and that you never usually date. But there's something about you Grey, something dark that I can't quite put my finger on yet. But I'll work it out."

Jeez, Kate's instincts are pretty hot. She'll make one helluva of a good investigative journalist at this rate.

"Look, do you have some Advil I can give to Ana, or are they packed away? I can go get her some if needs be."

Kate sighs and rummages in a box of things in the kitchen to produce some painkillers, fills a tea cup with some water and then hands both of them to me.

"Just be warned Grey. However rich and powerful you may be, I won't just stand by idly and watch Ana get hurt."

She looks me straight in the eye as she tells me this, and I have no doubt that she means every word.

"Duly noted Miss Kavanagh. And please trust me when I say that I only want what's best for Ana."

I make my way back to Ana's bedroom, and sit next to her on the bed as I hand her the pills and water.

"Take these," I gently order her, and watch to make sure she does. Now I have to get to the heart of what is going on here.

"Talk to me. You told me you were okay. I'd never have left you if I thought you were like this."

Ana doesn't say anything. She won't look at me but instead looks down at her hands. This is bad. Really bad if she won't even open up to me, and I'm even more worried now.

"I take it when you said you were okay, you weren't."

Ana blushes and struggles to put her thoughts into words it seems.

"I thought I was fine," she whispers.

She was trying to be brave. Pretending she was okay, lulling me into a false sense of security. Idiot that I am, I knew deep down inside that she wasn't fine at all. She couldn't look me in the eye then any more than she can now. I've rushed things with her in my eagerness to get what I want. If only she had spoken up, I'd have come to my senses. This is the trouble with dealing with someone so inexperienced. In a funny way, I'm out of my depth just as much as she is.

"Anastasia, you can't tell me what you think I want to hear. That's not very honest. How can I trust anything you've said to me?"

If I've got this all wrong, is there really any hope for us? 

Maybe what I want is just too much for her. I need to find out how she really feels about the actual experience. She was very aroused and turned on and came almost straight away, so I know she didn't hate it on every level.

"How did you feel while I was hitting you and after?"

"I didn't like it. I'd rather you didn't do it again."

"You weren't meant to like it." It's a punishment. That's the whole point.

"Why do you like it?" I just do, baby, that's the way I'm made.

Her question takes me by surprise. Enjoying what I do has been part of me, of who I am, for so long that I'm not sure quite how I can explain it.

"You really want to know?"

"Oh trust me, I'm fascinated," she replies sarcastically. I hate sarcasm from a woman, and even now I find it displeasing that she speaks to me in this manner.

"Careful," I warn her.

"Are you going to hit me again?" she challenges. So Miss Steele still has her smart mouth.

"No, not tonight." Even I know that would be a really bad idea.


"I like the control it brings me, Anastasia. I want you to behave in a particular way and if you don't, I shall punish you and you will learn to behave the way I desire. I enjoy punishing you. I've wanted to spank you since you asked me if I was gay." And I'm not going to apologize for it, because that was one well deserved spanking. That was an incredibly rude and intrusive question when you'd only just met me. For Christ's sake, no one could be less gay than I am.

"So you don't like the way I am."

Anastasia floors me with this statement. She couldn't be more wrong. Is this how she interprets my actions? That I want to change her? Doesn't she realize that I'm doing it to control her and thereby protect her, because of just how perfect she is? I wouldn't bother if that wasn't the case. I just need her to learn to be polite and not displease me.

"I think you're lovely the way you are."

Truth is, I think you're pretty much perfect, if you would only fucking well stop defying me.

"So why are you trying to change me?" I'm not, I just want to look after you, because you are mine.

"I don't want to change you. I'd like you to be courteous and to follow the set of rules I've given you and not defy me. Simple."

Ensuring she follows the rules means that she stays fit, healthy, and safe. If the rules are broken, she has to be punished because she has put herself at risk. It's for her own good. She has to learn that her defiant actions have consequences that will be seen through to the conclusion.

"But you want to punish me?"

"Yes, I do." And yes, I enjoy it. Simple truth.

"That's what I don't understand."

Oh for fucks sake, we're going round in circles here.

"It's the way I'm made Anastasia. I need to control you. I need you to behave in a certain way, and if you don't – I love to watch your beautiful alabaster skin pink and warm up under my hands. It turns me on."

"So it's not the pain you're putting me through?"

Well yes actually, the pain aspect does really turn me on too, but how can I word this, how can I explain it without completely freaking her out?

"A bit, to see if you can take it, but that's not the whole reason. It's the fact that you are mine to do with as I see fit – ultimate control over someone else. And it turns me on. Big time, Anastasia. Look I'm not explaining myself very well… I've never had to before. I've not really thought about this in any great depth. I've always been with like-minded people."

Ever since Elena took charge of me as a teenager and successfully channeled my rage and anger, I've never questioned why this lifestyle works for me – I just know that it does.

"And you still haven't answered my question – how did you feel afterwards?"


"You were sexually aroused by it, Anastasia." 

I close my eyes as I remember how wet she'd been when I felt her, how ready for me she was, how perfect she'd felt when I fucked her…

Anastasia clearly remembers too, because now she's looking up at me with eyes that are smoldering with desire, and it's there again between us, that electricity, that undeniable connection, and under different circumstances, we'd be fucking again before we knew it.

"Don't look at me like that," I tell her, turned on but knowing that I can't respond to her for so many reasons.

She looks hurt and bewildered now.

"I don't have any condoms, Anastasia, and you know, you're upset. Contrary to what your roommate believes, I'm not a priapic monster. So, you felt confused?"

Ana squirms and seems reluctant to answer me.

"You have no problem being honest with me in print. Your e-mails always tell me exactly how you feel. Why can't you do that in conversation? Do I intimidate you that much?"

Ana is looking down at her quilt as she thinks about her answer.

"You beguile me, Christian. Completely overwhelm me. I feel like Icarus flying too close to the Sun," she whispers, as she turns those mesmerizing blue eyes on me.

But that is how I feel, exactly how I feel. She is the one who has beguiled me. She has enchanted me, captivated me, however you want to phrase it, I am under her spell. I'm the one who is about to get burnt here.

"Well I think you've got that the wrong way around," I whisper back.


She seems to be totally unaware of the affect she has on me. How can she not see it?

"Oh Anastasia, you've bewitched me. Isn't it obvious? You've still not answered my question. Write me an e-mail, please. But right now, I'd really like to sleep. Can I stay?"

It's late, and I think we've gone as far with our discussion tonight as we can, and I don't want to get into discussing my feelings any further now.

"Do you want to stay?" She sounds so sweet and hopeful.

"You wanted me here."

And at least if I stay, then I can make sure she doesn't start crying again behind my back. I'm not going to spell it out any further, but she doesn't give up.

"You haven't answered my question," she persists.

"I'll write you an email," I tell her testily. All I want to do now is give in to my desire to curl up with her in bed, so I can inhale that sweet scent of hers, and feel her soft, warm body next to mine.

So I empty my pockets, get undressed down to my T shirt and boxers, and go round to the empty side of the bed.

"Lie down," I instruct her as I slide in next to her. As she lies there looking up at me in disbelief, I lean up on one elbow.

"If you are going to cry, cry in front of me, I need to know."

If she had burst into tears before I left tonight, I'd have known she was upset and it would never have gotten to this.

"Do you want me to cry?"

"Not particularly. I just want to know how you're feeling. I don't want you slipping through my fingers. Switch the light off. It's late, and we both have work tomorrow."

Once she's switched off the light, and we're in darkness I tell her,

"Lie on your side, facing away from me." 

I can only bear for her to touch me on my terms, and I think this will work. Once she's done this, I carefully move over and put my arms around her and pull her to my chest. Oh and she feels so fuckingly, amazingly good, I wonder why the hell I resisted so strongly spending the night with her.

"Sleep baby," I whisper, as I put my nose in her hair to inhale and have a fix of my favorite drug in the world – Anastasia.


I slowly wake up and realize where I am. I'm tightly wrapped round Anastasia, my head on her chest, my arm resting over her, one of my legs hooked around both of hers. It's as if I've caught her and don't want her to escape. I breathe in and relish her smell – what a great way to wake up. 

I realize that it's light so it must be morning. Clearly, I've slept the whole night through, and it seems that being with Ana is the same as having my own personal sleeping pill.

"Good morning," I mumble when I see she is awake. "Jesus, even in my sleep I'm drawn to you." Such strong magic she weaves.

I've got a huge, rock hard erection of course. Seems a shame to waste it but I'm out of condoms, although we could go oral…

"Hmm…this has possibilities, but I think we should wait until Sunday," I whisper, as I nuzzle her soft little ear. Save it all until then, because I know it's going to be fucking wonderful.

"You're very hot," she murmurs. I think she's probably referring to my actual temperature, but I choose to misunderstand her.

"You're not so bad yourself," I whisper as I press my erection up against her to prove my point.

Then I prop myself up on my elbow to gaze down at her. This is such a nice way to wake up in the morning, and I lean down to gently kiss her.

"Sleep well?" I ask, and as she smiles and nods happily at me, I swear I feel a warm fuzzy feeling wash over me, which is just plain stupid. Man up, Grey - are you going soft or something?

"So did I. Yes, really well. What is this all about? 

"What's the time?"

"It's seven thirty."

What? Fuck! I've overslept! I never oversleep!

"Seven thirty… shit."

I jump out of bed and start throwing my clothes on, as Anastasia sits up and watches me with some amusement.

"You are such a bad influence on me. I have a meeting. I have to go – I have to be in Portland at eight. Are you smirking at me?"

"Yes." She grins at me, and it's such a lovely sight that I can't be cross. Instead I grin back at her.

"I'm late. I don't do late. Another first, Miss Steele."

Before I leave, I bend down and grasp her head between my hands.

"Sunday," I say, and we look into each other's eyes, both hot with anticipation. I kiss her, then grab the rest of my things.

"Taylor will come and sort your Beetle. I was serious. Don't drive it. I'll see you at my place on Sunday. I'll e-mail you a time."

Then I'm out of there.

Taylor knows I don't do late, so I'm not surprised when my cell rings at one minute past eight, as I'm driving at speed to get to the meeting.

"Is everything alright, sir?" he queries, as I answer on my hands free.

Of course Taylor knows exactly where I've been all night, and I'm sure he thinks he knows exactly why I'm late. He probably wouldn't believe that I've just overslept, because I don't fucking well believe it myself.

"Yes, I'll be there in five."

"Very good, sir."

I don't give a fuck that when I walk into my breakfast meeting, everyone else is smartly suited up, while I'm wearing the jeans and T shirt that I went out in last night. 

The walk of shame. 

But I swear I see the hint of a smirk cross Taylor's face. 
Today has already been a day of many firsts.

I don’t own any of the Fifty Shades Trilogy or the characters therein. They belong to E L James. I’m just borrowing them for fun and not for profit. Please refer to the Legal’s page for further details. This work is not to be copied or reproduced in any way without permission. 


  1. I love how you describe his confusion about his new feelings. This chapter has been really sweet. Thanks, Ellen.

    1. Hi Ellen. Poor boy isn't used to dealing with upset women is he? Thanks for reading and commenting:)

  2. For some reason this is pretty much my favorite part of the book, when he comes back to sleep with her. I knew from then on that she has him wrapped around her finger. Hearing his take on it just makes it better. I live that just when he thought he was getting his way as a dom, he cam
    e through for her.

    1. Hi Julie - glad you're enjoying the blog :)

    2. Ooh! I totally agree! I love Christian's internal struggle to give in to his wanting to sleep with her. Sigh...^_^

    3. Thats my favourite part too... Thats when my feelings of christian started to change and it became the sweetest love story

  3. loving this story, its great to get into Christian's mind seeing what he thinks and feels. looking forward to the rest and more soon

  4. BOMB! This was absolutely the bomb!!! *giggles*

    So delicious! More, please . . .

  5. I am so so loving this!!! Thank you

  6. Oh this was by far my fave chapter in the books too. So sweet of him to go back and make sure she was Okay even if it was mostly to put himself at ease. And I'd always wondered what kind of conversation he might have had with Kate... As always you write an amazing story and I'm addicted! Thank you!

    1. Hi Andrea. Christian's inner nice guy surfaced for a brief moment, didn't it?

  7. "Sleep baby," I whisper, as I put my nose in her hair to inhale and have a fix of my favourite drug in the world – Anastasia.
    So perfect! I can't thank you enough for your writing!

  8. I have only started reading last night as a friend suggested I do. The writing is perfect! This is exactly how I pictured Chrisitan as I was reading the books.

    1. Hi Sierra. Glad your vision of Christian seems to match mine. Thanks for reading and leaving a comment.

  9. So happy I found this I can't get enough of Christians side of the story you are telling it perfectly

  10. love the convo with Kate, it was just a murmer in the book, thanks for filling it in with your imagination All I can say is oh so yummy!

  11. Kate is one of the few women immune to Mr Grey's charm, isn't she?

  12. "Jesus, even in my sleep I'm drawn to you." This has been one of my favorite quotes that I have highlighted in the book. I was so happy when I read it in his POV. Just wanted to let you know that you are doing a marvelous job of capturing everything I thought Fifty was thinking. Please continue. Thank you!

  13. Really a lol moment when he walks into the meeting late and Taylor smirks at him.

  14. I'm so thankful for this. I was in Fifty shades withdrawal and didn't know what to do. And you update regularly! This is so good. So glad I found it. Keep up the great work!

  15. great take from his side its filling a hole thank you so much love it xx

  16. such a great chapter, i love this "human" christian! so cute!

  17. you are amezing, thank you for writing this , Im enjoying this tremendously!!

  18. I think Christian is afraid of Kate. Although I think she interferes a bit to much.

  19. i dont do late lol.... christian sounds so yummy ..xxx

  20. this chapter is realy describe his POV!
    good job well made:)

  21. "I don't give a fuck that when I walk into my breakfast meeting, everyone else is smartly suited up, while I'm wearing the jeans and T shirt that I went out in last night. " ABSOLUTELY love this sentence! He is the BOSS :D

    1. Yep, Christian is the man, no question. That's one of the things we all love about him, isn't it?

  22. So, Christian is Ana's favorite scent and Ana is Christian's favorite drug. You're a genius.

    So much love from the Philippines. :)

  23. i have just found this site and have read solidly its now 2,40am and i need to get some sleep has i have to go into hospital tomorrow for an operation but i cant stop i want to read the rest so im just going to carry on i can sleep on the operating table and hopefully dream of christian once again thankyou this chapter has made me laugh and took my mind off whats coming in a few hours time.

  24. i really love how you have christian and his two voice talking to him....that is awesome....and i really like how you added kate into the story..we really didnt hear much from her in the books and she is like a mother figure to ana...YOU ARE AWESOME!!!!

  25. I am completely addicted to your story:)

  26. I am completely addicted to your story:)

  27. Je suis impressionnée, c'est tellement bon!


  28. Thank you so much for this. It's so great reading the story over again -- but in Christian's pov!

    I love how Ian is your Christian. He's mine - too! The picture's at the beginning of each chapter are great. :) Also - great casting on Elliot and Kate. If the 50 Shades movie had this exact cast, there is no doubt it will be wonderful.

    LOVING the chapters and LOVING Ian!! I blame you for my lack of motivation at University... Here I am, missing classes to have my latest fix of your chapters, but I can't help myself. I love it. Keep it up!

    1. Naughty naughty Anna! Your studies should come first, with a Christian fix as a reward for studying hard! Easier said than done, I know :(

  29. I love reading Christian's POV. He's so confused about how Ana has betwixt him! I have a feeling I'll be up late reading tonight! Thanks for posting these chapters! Keep up the amazing work!

    p.s. I also see Ian as Christian. I really hope they cast him as Christian in the movie. Dark, mysterious but also caring at the same time :)

  30. Wow! My fave chapter... love Kate! :)
    I enjoy these Greysessions! Thanks so much!

  31. Im doing this the other way round.. reading christians thoughts first..then I will read the book. I hope that the book lives up to your writing standards.
    You have easily become my favourite author xx

    1. Interesting way of doing thins - let me know what you think ;)

  32. I have never loved a book as much as I love this trilogy. It speaks to me on so many different levels......... this insight to how christian is thinking make my attachment to this book even more profound...... thank u for this sweet chapter...

    *Enthusiastic Reader*

  33. God! Can i love it any more? Its perfect and I am more hopelessly in love with Christian..love your writing.. ��


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